Chapter 34 WHEN FEAR GETS LOUD
Alex
Two weeks after going public, Alex could feel Elias pulling away.
Not physically. They still spent every night together. Still held hands on campus. Still kissed goodbye between classes.
But something was off. Elias smiled less. Checked his phone constantly. Went quiet in the middle of conversations like his mind was somewhere else.
Alex noticed. Tried not to panic.
“He’s stressed,” Des said when Alex mentioned it. “Job hunting is brutal. Give him space.”
But space felt like distance. And distance felt like losing.
On Thursday, Alex waited outside the TA office after his last class. Elias came out looking exhausted. Dark circles under his eyes. Hair is messier than usual.
“Hey,” Alex said.
“Hey.” Elias’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“Waiting for you. Thought we could get dinner.”
“I can’t tonight. I have three more applications to finish.”
“You have to eat.”
“I’ll grab something later.”
“Elias.”
“What?” It came out sharper than probably intended. Elias winced. “Sorry. I’m just stressed.”
“I know. Let me help.”
“You can’t help with this.”
The words stung. Alex tried not to show it. “Okay. Text me later?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
But Elias didn’t text. Not that night. Not the next day either.
Alex tried not to spiral. Tried to remember what Des said about space. But by Friday evening, he couldn’t take it anymore.
He showed up at Elias’s apartment with takeout and determination.
Elias opened the door looking worse than yesterday. Same clothes as the day before. Coffee stains on his shirt.
“Alex. I said I was busy.”
“You have to eat. And we need to talk.”
“I don’t have time to talk.”
“Make time.”
They stared at each other. Elias looked like he wanted to argue. Then his shoulders sagged.
“Come in.”
The apartment was a disaster. Papers everywhere. Empty coffee cups on every surface. Elias’s laptop was open to what looked like a cover letter.
“How many applications have you sent?” Alex asked.
“Fifteen. Got rejected from eight. Haven’t heard back from seven.”
“That’s not that many rejections.”
“It’s more than I expected.” Elias sat on the bed. Pressed his palms against his eyes. “I thought staying would be easier. I thought I’d find something local. But everything either doesn’t pay enough or requires experience I don’t have.”
Alex set down the food. Sat next to him. “You’ll find something.”
“What if I don’t? What if I graduate in six weeks with no job and no prospects because I turned down the one good opportunity I had?”
“Then we figure it out. Together.”
“How? You’re still in school. I can’t ask you to support me.”
“I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about being there for each other.”
Elias was quiet. His hands were still pressed against his face. His whole body is tense.
“I’m scared,” Elias said finally. “I’m scared I made the wrong choice. I’m scared I’m going to end up resenting you for it.”
The words hit like a punch. Alex’s throat went tight. “Do you already?”
“No. But what if I do? What if six months from now I’m working some terrible job and thinking about what I gave up?”
“Then you tell me. And we deal with it.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. You talk to me instead of shutting me out.”
Elias dropped his hands. Looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m not shutting you out.”
“You haven’t texted me in two days. You look like you haven’t slept. You’re clearly struggling and you won’t let me help. That feels like shutting out.”
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“From what?”
“From seeing me fail. From realizing you’re not worth what I gave up.”
Alex’s chest cracked open. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”
“It’s what you’re thinking though, right? That I’m going to blame you when this all falls apart?”
“No. I’m thinking you’re stressed and scared and taking it out on me instead of talking about it.”
They sat in heavy silence. The takeout was getting cold. Elias’s laptop screen had gone dark.
“I don’t know how to do this,” Elias said quietly. “How to be in a relationship and job hunt and graduate all at the same time. It’s too much.”
“So let me help carry some of it.”
“How?”
“Let me proofread your cover letters. Let me bring you food. Let me be here even when you’re stressed and scared.” Alex took his hand. “Let me be your person.”
Elias’s fingers tightened around his. “What if I’m too much? Carter said I was exhausting to love. What if he was right?”
“He wasn’t. He was an asshole who didn’t deserve you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. Because I love you and it’s not exhausting. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
Elias looked at him with something like wonder. “How are you so sure?”
“Because loving you makes sense. Everything else is complicated but that part is simple.”
Elias pulled him close. Buried his face in Alex’s neck. His whole body was shaking.
“I’m sorry,” Elias whispered. “I’m sorry I pulled away. I was scared and I didn’t know how to say it.”
“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again. Talk to me next time.”
“I will. I promise.”
They sat like that for a long time. Elias’s breathing eventually evened out. The tension was slowly draining from his shoulders.
“The food’s cold,” Alex said.
“I don’t care.”
“Want me to heat it?”
“In a minute. Just let me hold you first.”
So Alex let him. Let Elias hold on like he was the only solid thing in a spinning world.
When they finally ate, it was midnight. They sat on Elias’s bed with reheated Chinese food and talked about everything. The rejections. The fear. The pressure of making the right choice.
“I got another rejection today,” Elias admitted. “The high school position. They said they went with someone with more teaching experience.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“Feels like it.”
“It’s not. You’re graduating with a master's. You have TA experience. You’re qualified.”
“Then why does no one want to hire me?”
“Because job hunting sucks. Not because you made the wrong choice staying.”
Elias wanted to argue. Alex could see it. But instead, he just nodded.
“Okay. I’ll try to remember that.”
“Good. And next time you spiral, tell me. Don’t just disappear for two days.”
“Deal.”
They finished eating. Cleaned up together. Got ready for bed like normal people instead of two people barely holding it together.
In bed, Elias pulled Alex close. Kissed the top of his head.
“Thank you,” Elias said.
“For what?”
“For not giving up on me. For showing up even when I pushed you away.”
“Always. That’s what love means.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. Now sleep. Tomorrow we’ll tackle more applications together.”
“Together,” Elias echoed.
But as Alex drifted off, he couldn’t shake the fear. The fear that stress was just the beginning. That more rejections would come. That eventually, Elias would look at him and see regret instead of love.
He held on tighter.
Hoped it would be enough.