Chapter 18 COUNTING DOWN THE FEAR
Alex
Five days left and Alex couldn’t breathe.
He woke up on February 9th with his alarm screaming and his heart racing. The reminder on his phone glowed in the dark.
Valentine’s Day in 5 days
Des was already awake, sitting on his bed with his laptop.
“You look like death,” Des said.
“Thanks.”
“Did you sleep at all?”
Alex had tried. Spent the night staring at the ceiling, counting down hours. “Not really.”
“Come on. We’re getting breakfast. You need to eat something that isn’t anxiety.”
The dining hall smelled like burnt toast and industrial coffee. Alex’s stomach turned. He grabbed plain oatmeal and watched it get cold while Des talked about his design project.
“You’re not listening,” Des said.
“Sorry.”
“Alex. Look at me.” Des waited until Alex met his eyes. “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“He sees me and realizes I’m not worth it.”
“And the best thing?”
Alex couldn’t say it. Couldn’t put words to the hope because saying it out loud would make it real and losing it would hurt more.
“Exactly,” Des said. “The best thing is worth the worst thing. Remember that.”
Classes were torture. Professor Hartley was lecturing about love poetry and Alex wanted to scream. Every word felt pointed. Aimed at him.
He checked his phone obsessively. No new messages. No new letters. Just the countdown timer he’d set.
4 days, 18 hours, 32 minutes
After class, he went to the library. Third floor. Elias’s spot by the window. Sat down and pulled out his notebook.
Started making lists.
Things that could go wrong:
I freeze
I run
He’s disappointed
I can’t speak
He laughs
He leaves
Everything ends
His pen pressed so hard the paper tore.
He turned the page and tried again.
Things to remember:
He said he’s falling too
He wants to meet me
He asked me to come
He knows I’m scared
He said only when I’m ready
But was he ready? Would he ever be?
“Excuse me, is someone sitting here?”
Alex looked up. A girl he didn’t recognize pointed at the chair across from him.
“No. Go ahead.”
She sat down and pulled out her textbooks. Started studying. Normal. Easy. Being a person was simple.
Alex watched her for a moment. She didn’t look nervous. Didn’t look like her whole world was about to crack open.
His phone buzzed.
Sana: How are you holding up?
Alex: Not great
Sana: Want company?
Alex: I’m in the library
Sana: I know. I can see you from here.
Alex looked up. Sana was three tables away, waving. She gathered her stuff and came over.
“You looked like you were spiraling,” she said, sitting down.
“I am spiraling.”
“Talk to me. What’s happening in your head?”
“Everything. All at once. I keep thinking about standing at that rose arch and watching him look at me for the first time and I can’t breathe.”
Sana pulled a paper bag from her backpack. “Breathe into this.”
“I’m not hyperventilating.”
“You’re close.” She pushed the bag toward him anyway. “Five days is a long time to panic. You need to find something else to focus on.”
“Like what?”
“Like what you’re going to wear. What you’re going to say. Whether you’re bringing anything.”
Alex hadn’t thought about any of that. He’d been too busy catastrophizing.
“I don’t know what to wear.”
“We’ll figure it out. What about bringing something? He’s bringing Neruda.”
Alex’s chest tightened. “Should I bring something?”
“Only if you want to.” Sana opened her laptop. “Let’s make a plan. Step by step. That way you’re not just thinking about the scary part.”
They spent an hour mapping it out, the laptop balanced between them as the afternoon slowly slipped away. What time to leave the dorm? What route to take? Where to stand. What to say if words came. What to do if they didn’t. Each question was small on its own, but together they made the moment feel less impossible, something with edges and shape instead of a looming blur.
“And if you need to leave,” Sana said, her voice steady and sure, “Des and I will be nearby. Not close enough to be weird, but close enough if you need an out.”
“You’re both coming?”
“Obviously. Someone has to make sure you actually show up.”
Alex’s throat felt tight. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet. Thank me if you go through with it.”
After Sana left, Alex stayed at the library. The window view showed the quad. The rose arch was getting bigger every day. More flowers. More lights. More real.
In five days, Elias would be standing there.
In five days, Alex would have to decide if he was brave enough to join him.
His phone buzzed again.
Des: I bought you a new shirt for Saturday. It’s blue. Trust me.
Alex: I didn’t ask you to
Des: I know. I’m being a good friend anyway.
Alex almost smiled. Almost.
The sun was setting. The library is getting quiet. Alex packed up his stuff and walked back to his dorm. The cold air bit his face. His breath made clouds.
Five days until Valentine’s Day.
Five days until everything changed.
Inside, Des had laid out a blue button-down on Alex’s bed. Not too formal. Not too casual. Actually nice.
“Try it on,” Des said.
Alex did. It fit perfectly. Made him look older. More put together.
“You look good,” Des said. “Like someone worth falling for.”
Alex’s eyes burned. He turned away before Des could see.
“I’m terrified,” he whispered.
“I know. But you’re doing it anyway. That’s what brave means.”
That night, Alex lay in bed with his phone. Scrolled through old photos. Found one from November. The first week he’d seen Elias. He’d taken it secretly in the library, Elias’s profile barely visible.
He’d been falling for months. Months of watching. Months of wishing.
And now he had five days to prepare for the moment when wishing became real.
His alarm was set for 6 AM on Valentine’s Day.
Be brave
Four words. Simple. Impossible.
Alex closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
Failed.