Chapter 16 BETWEEN PAPER AND REAL
Alex
Alex didn’t write back for three days.
The letter sat in his pocket, growing softer with each fold and unfold. He read it in class. Before bed. In the shower with the paper protected by a plastic bag because he couldn’t stand to be away from it.
I think I’m falling for you.
Des noticed.
“You’re being weird,” he said on Saturday morning, watching Alex stare at his coffee like it held answers.
“I’m always weird.”
“Weirder than usual. Have you decided?”
“No.”
“Alex. It’s been three days. You have to answer him.”
“I know.”
“So what are you waiting for?”
Alex didn’t know. Permission, maybe. Courage. A sign from the universe that this wouldn’t end in disaster.
His phone buzzed. Sana.
Sana: Study session. Library. Now. Bring your crisis.
He found her on the third floor. In Elias’s usual spot by the window. She’d done that on purpose.
“Sit,” she said, closing her textbook.
Alex sat. The view was different from this angle. He could see the whole quad. The rose arch glowed red even in daylight.
“Talk,” Sana said.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Start with the truth. Do you want to meet him?”
“Yes.”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
Alex pulled out the letter. Set it on the table between them. “What if I show up and he’s disappointed? What if the person he’s been writing to doesn’t exist?”
“That person does exist. You wrote those letters. That’s you.”
“But it’s the best version of me. The one that only comes out at 2 AM when I’m too tired to be scared.”
Sana was quiet for a moment. Then: “Can I tell you something? That version isn’t separate from you. It’s not fake. It’s just you who feels safe enough to be honest.”
“Exactly. I’m only honest when I’m hiding.”
“So stop hiding.”
Alex looked out the window. Students walking past. Couples holding hands. Normal people living normal lives without this crushing weight of fear.
“I don’t know how,” he said.
“You write him back. You tell him you’re scared. You show up anyway.”
“And if he doesn’t like what he sees?”
“Then at least you’ll know. At least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering what if.”
Alex touched the letter. The paper was warm from being in his pocket. “I have seven days.”
“Seven days to work up courage or seven days to write the best letter of your life. Maybe both.”
She was right. Alex knew she was right.
He went back to his dorm and pulled out the heart-shaped stationery. The last sheet. After this, no more hiding behind pink paper and careful handwriting.
After this, everything would be real.
He started writing.
E,
I’ve been carrying your letter around for three days. Reading it so many times the creases are starting to tear. I’m sorry it took me this long to respond. I’ve been trying to find the right words and realizing there might not be any.
His pen moved faster.
You said you want to meet me. You said you’re falling for me. And I need you to know: I’m falling too. Have been falling since November. Since I first saw you reading Woolf in the library and thought, there’s someone who understands.
But I’m terrified, E. Terrified in ways I don’t know how to explain. You’ve been falling for someone on paper. Someone who’s brave and articulate and knows how to be vulnerable. In person, I’m none of those things.
He stopped. Bit his pen cap. Kept going.
You said you want to know what my voice sounds like. It’s quiet. So quiet people often don’t hear me the first time. You want to know what I order at coffee shops. Black coffee because anything else feels too complicated. You want to see my face when I laugh. I don’t laugh much out loud. Just small smiles I try to hide.
I’m not impressive, E. I’m just someone who’s been watching you from a distance and wishing I were brave enough to be seen.
His hand was cramping. He shook it out and added more.
But you asked me to come. You said you hope I’ll be there. And that hope is louder than my fear. Almost.
So here’s my answer: I’ll try. I’ll try to be at the rose arch at 2 PM on Valentine’s Day. I’ll try to be brave enough to let you see me. I’ll try to close the distance between paper and real.
But if I can’t, if I freeze or run or disappoint you, please know it’s not because I don’t want this. It’s because wanting something and being brave enough to take it are different things.
And I’m still learning how to be brave.
He signed it with shaking hands.
Someone who sees you
For the last time, maybe. Because if he showed up, if he actually went through with this, he wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.
He’d just be Alex.
He sealed the envelope before he could change his mind. Grabbed his jacket.
“Where are you going?” Des asked from his bed.
“To mail this before I lose my nerve.”
“Good. Finally.” Des sat up. “Alex? You’re doing the right thing.”
“How do you know?”
“Because scared is better than sorry. And you’d be sorry if you didn’t at least try.”
The campus mail center was nearly empty. Saturday evening, most people are out doing weekend things. Alex stood in front of the Valentine’s drop box.
Last chance to take it back.
He dropped it in.
The sound echoed in the quiet room.
Done.
Alex walked back outside. The quad was strung with lights now, making everything glow pink and red. The rose arch looked bigger somehow. More real.
In seven days, he’d have to stand there.
In seven days, Elias would see his face.
In seven days, everything would change.
His phone buzzed.
Des: proud of you
Alex: I haven’t done anything yet
Des: You wrote back. That’s something.
Was it? Alex didn’t know. All he knew was that his heart was racing and his hands were shaking and he’d just promised to try.
He walked to their bench. Sat down even though the cold bit through his jeans. Pulled out his phone and set a reminder.
February 14th, 2 PM. Be brave.
Seven days.
He could be brave for one afternoon.
Maybe.