Constellations
BEN POV
Many times I wish that it had just been a bad dream.
Many times I wish that I had never pushed him away when I really needed him.
Many times I wish that I had told him how much I loved him.
Many times I wish that I had never given him a hard time... I should have pulled him close when I wanted to be alone.
But it was too late to take it all back.
But it was too late to ever feel the proximity of his body molding into mine.
It was too late to ever hear his voice again.
It was too late to ever caress his face again.
It was too late to ever feel his lips on mine.
His gaze imprinted deep in my mind; I knew that I would never find a man like him.
A walking temptation.
My taste of heaven and hell.
The man who had stolen my heart in one night.
He was gone, and now he was going to be put to rest in his hometown.
He had always wanted to bring me to Italy.
Nolan and I were traveling to Italy on his private jet, and I was thankful that Clay and Marcelo had tagged along for the funeral.
Clay wanted to keep me company.
Throughout the flight, I had been quiet, thinking how things would have played out if I had never gotten Ambrose involved in my mess with Zane.
I had lost the love of my life.
Someone placed their hand on my shoulder, and I snapped out of my thoughts and found Clay watching me.
He had a worried look on his face.
“Hey.”
I forced a smile.
“Are you doing okay? You’ve been oddly quiet, Ben, and I know that things are hard for you, but honey, it’s not good to keep your emotions bottled up.”
What I felt in this moment was invalid.
It didn’t matter whether I screamed or cried my eyes out; nothing was going to bring him back.
I sighed deeply.
“I just think people react to grief differently, Clay… some cry, but I’m not one of those people.”
He grasped my hand gently.
“Ben… you practically watched him die.”
Our eyes locked in a frenzy.
“Clay, I think you should keep Marcelo company; he must be homesick, so don’t worry about me.”
He kissed me on the forehead.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here for you, bitch.”
He winked at me, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I actually heard my own laughter, and it sounded foreign to my ears.
I sounded like I was some robot trying to fit in with the humans.
Clay went back to his seat, and I was left alone with my thoughts.
My gaze lingered on the window, watching the clouds.
They did look as soft as cotton candy.
“Nice view, right?” he asked, trying to play casually.
He has to stop doing this.
Ever since I got discharged from the hospital, Nolan has been keeping an eye on me or, better yet, actually acting like my babysitter.
Our eyes met.
I nodded quietly.
“It’s not a bad view.”
He cocked a brow at me.
“Are you still talking about the window or me?” he taunted.
I frowned at him.
It was like I was talking to a totally different person.
When did he become so smug?
He sat down, looking at the window in silence.
“How are you holding up? I know that Ambrose was the only family you had… and now that he’s no longer here, it must be hard.”
Our eyes locked, and he just watched me.
“He was my only family, but over these past few weeks, we were sort of mortal enemies, and I wanted nothing to do with him. I was a jerk to him, and I wish I could tell him that, no matter how much I hated him, I didn’t mean anything I said to him. It was all out of anger and spite.”
He gave me a sad smile.
“But now it’s too late.”
I looked away.
“Nolan… I’m sorry. I wish that things had taken a different turn for us, but it was just out of my control.”
I will always love Ambrose, and that is a fact.
He gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Relax, Benedykta. I’m not here to ambush you about the past... I just came to ask you what your plans are after my dad’s funeral. Do you still want to leave the country?” he asked curiously.
I had completely forgotten about my plans.
I was only leaving the country to protect the people I love from Zane, but now he was out of the picture.
I was safe again.
There was no need to hide and leave Clay behind.
He was my best friend, and I wasn’t going to abandon him.
“I don’t know... I wish I could stay in New York a little longer, but I already sold my house and bought an apartment in another country.”
He smiled.
“So you do want to stay in New York?” he taunted.
I rolled my eyes at him.
“I know that Marcus would offer for me to stay with him, but he has this new relationship, and they need their privacy and not have to deal with a pregnant woman.”
He entwined our hands, looking into my eyes.
What was he doing?
He released my hands.
“Sorry.”
I swallowed hard.
“I have a solution to your problem. Move in with me in New York, and you won’t be homeless anymore. Plus, I have plenty of space for a nursery.”
I sighed deeply.
“Nolan, I don’t think you understand what you’re saying.”
He cupped one of my cheeks.
“I know what I’m saying, Ben, and I promised my father that I would take care of you and the baby as well… I just want to make sure that the two of you have everything that you need.”
I wasn’t going to have this conversation with Nolan now, especially on some damn plane.
“I don’t think I want to have this conversation with you right now.”
He nodded quietly and left.
I sighed deeply.
I had enough on my plate.
When we finally landed, all the excitement I had faded away.
Italy was a beautiful place, but I was here to say goodbye to Ambrose, and maybe the realization was starting to kick in.
I was never going to see him ever again.
We took a day to ourselves to rest.
Ambrose would be put to rest tomorrow.
I changed into my pajamas and got in bed.
My hands were still trembling, and I felt terrified.
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him.
Not yet.
Then there was Nolan.
He asked me to move in with him like nothing ever happened between his father and me.
I was carrying his sibling.
The next morning the wind whispered gently through the olive trees, stirring the golden leaves with the same hush that had settled over the mourners gathered by the lake. It was a place of quiet beauty—soft hills cradling the water, wildflowers painting the grass with their pale colors. This was where he had grown up. This was where he’d wanted to grow old.
I stood at the edge of the water, my hands trembling as I clutched the small urn to my chest. The sun cast long shadows over the lake, glinting off the surface like shattered glass—so much like my heart now, cracked and gleaming with grief.
I hadn’t spoken since the ceremony started. Words had caught in my throat, tangled with the sound of the priest’s voice and the murmured prayers of the few who had gathered. His family. Friends. And me.
I stepped forward as the silence thickened around me, pressing the urn close, to my belly barely rounded beneath the black fabric of my dress. The life growing inside me ached with every breath I took.
“I don’t know how to do this without you,” I said, voice raw. “I don’t even know how to breathe in a world where you're not.”
My fingers tightened around the urn, the weight of it unreal, impossible. This wasn’t how our story was supposed to end.
“You saved me,” I whispered. “You didn’t even think—you just threw yourself in front of me. You always said you’d protect me, but I never thought you’d mean it like that.” my voice broke, crumbling like paper under fire.
I looked to the sky, as if he might answer.
“I was supposed to grow old with you. Watch you chase our baby around this farm, complain about how stubborn they got it from me.” I let out a broken laugh. “I was supposed to kiss you goodnight every day for the rest of my life. Not this. Not—ashes.”
The priest nodded gently, and with shaking hands, I opened the urn.
Nolan wanted me to spread his ashes.
The wind caught the ashes and carried them out over the water. For a moment, it looked like he was dancing—like the wind itself mourned him, scattering what remained of him into the place he had loved best. The lake shimmered, ripples spreading wide like a heartbeat stilled too soon.
I collapsed to my knees, arms folded protectively around my belly, tears carving silent tracks down her face.
“I will tell them everything,” she whispered to the water. “About how kind you were. How you laughed with your whole soul. How you made me feel safe.”
I bent my head, forehead pressed to the grass.
“And I will love you until my last breath. You live on in me. In them. And I swear, I’ll make sure our baby knows your name means home.”
The lake was quiet again. But in the rustle of the wind, in the hush of the leaves, in the heartbeat she carried inside her—I heard him.
Not gone. Not really.
Just waiting, somewhere beyond the light.