Chapter 36 CHAPTER 036
"Amelia. I was just teasing, you don't have to answer, I have got an imagination, you know. Wait, why do you look like you are about to start hyperventilating?...oh shit."
Ashley rushes to my side and starts massaging my back with gentle strokes and asking me to take deep breaths.
I told my stepfather I loved him. I have been fucking my mother's husband. My mother who is dead. My mother who never once treated me like a daughter because she didn't want to be a mother. He said they were separated before she died but what difference does that make?
I told him I loved him! Oh God. This is bad. I shouldn't have agreed to come back. What was I thinking? I don't even remember how he convinced me. I should have stood my ground knowing I had more to lose. I had something precious to protect. Myself. For fuck's sake, I have loved that man since I laid eyes on him.
I dismissed it at first as a silly teenage crush. Then it was a rebellion against my mother whom I was never enough for. I felt good nursing those dirty fantasies about Linc Dmitri, my mother's new shiny husband. It felt good to steal glances at him and pretend we are in this glamorous affair right under my mother's nose.
Then it became clear it was none of those things. At which point I ran off to college even though I didn't feel ready yet. I wanted to take the year and just chill and discover myself. But living with Linc in that house was too much. I couldn't handle myself. My silly crush had blossomed into something that threatened to swallow me whole. I was having sex dreams about him.
Though, worthy of note, the reality far exceeds the dreams. Like, by a million miles. But I digress.
"Oh God, Ashley. What am I going to do?" I grip her hand tight as she directs me to a couch.
"He probably didn't hear." She doesn't even put in the effort to sound convincing.
"He did." I just know he did. There was a pause before I drifted off to sleep. A palpable pause that said a million words.
"Okay, then maybe it is not such a big deal. You are probably just blowing it out of proportion."
I pull my hand away from her, "I am the one blowing it out of proportion?" I glare at her. Her reaction to the situation was what set me off. At least I managed to survive three whole days without losing my mind over it. Till now.
"Whatever. I am sure he didn't take it as a big deal." Ashley says, waving off my glare.
"Wouldn't that be just as worrisome? Why wouldn't he take it as a big deal? In case you are not fully caught up to the situation yet, he is my stepdad, Ashley. That is not something stepdads and stepdaughters say to each other!" I raise my voice without meaning to. I bite down on my lip in quiet apology to her but I can see her flaring up already.
"Well, Amelia. Thank you for reminding me how much of a train wreck your life is at the moment. You know, I almost forgot."
It stings. But I know she is right. I never get involved in messy situations, that was her specialty but New York has made us swapped places. If we were not currently glaring at each other, I would have said it out loud and we would laugh about it.
"Ah, ladies..." Marcus walks in, he looks between me and Ashley and smiles, "I think I have walked into something. What is wrong? A little lover's spat?" Marcus laughs at his own stupid joke. The man really believes he is funny. One of the things I am slowly getting sick of about interning here is his lame attempts at being the cool quirky boss. He is quirky alright, but nothing cool about him and his balding head, round midsection and weird khaki pants he insists on wearing to work on Fridays.
"Nothing here, Marcus." I snap, probably for the first time and I like how it feels a bit too much when his face falls. The poor guy. I am projecting my fear as anger at him but I don't even care.
"Oh well. I have been looking for you, Amelia. Mr. Dmitri asked for you to see him in his office ASAP." Marcus says and my heart plummets to my feet as he walks away.
Me and Ashley's eyes meet at the same time. Her panic mirroring mine. We can never be mad at eachother for too long.
"What do I do?" I ask, my heart is beating wildly in my chest. I can't see him just yet. Three days is not nearly enough to gather my senses. But I also can't refuse to see him now that he has asked. That would be weird.
"Go?" Ashley answers with a question.
"Ugh." I groan.
"I am like seventy percent sure he is not calling you up there to talk about it." Ashley offers. I feel sick to my stomach with dread.
"And the thirty percent?"
"Deny it. Say you don't remember." Ashley says and I manage to force out a laugh.
"Yeah right." I whisper. I am so fucked.
But what is the worse that can happen anyway?
He is definitely not calling me to tell me he loves me too and we should get married and live happily ever after. I am self aware enough to know that that is not how this ends for us. It breaks my heart and I don't like thinking that far ahead but it is what it is.
He is forty one, he has a better handle on his emotions compared to me. Not that I am nursing the delusional hope that he maybe feels the same way. Nope. Not at all. I am not that far gone. I am old enough to separate emotions from sex.
"Amelia?" Ashley's worried voice pulls me out of my rambling thoughts.
"Yeah?" I ask, absentmindedly. Craving a cup of tea out of nowhere. Maybe because someone is brewing one at the makeshift kitchen island in the lounge. People are coming back from their break and filling up the quiet.
"You should probably go now." Ashley says. I look at her face and see the blatant anticipation on it. She wants to know what he is calling me up for more than she cares about my nervous breakdown about the situation.
"Right. Remember me to throw you out of my apartment and life when I survive this." I say, getting out of the couch. I hear her snorting behind me and it makes my lips tug up with a smile inspite of my stomach knotting with nerves.