Chapter 97 WHAT IF I DON’T CARE?

Chapter 97 WHAT IF I DON’T CARE?


Desmond

“I am in love with you Desmond”

The moment she said those words, it was like my world had come to a stop for a few seconds. It felt like I was suffocating.

My heart was thumping loudly against my chest and my head felt so light, and even though it sounds dramatic, it felt like I was losing even a bit of my vision, everywhere just seemed so blurry.

“W-what?” I stammered out.

She began to pick at her fingernails, something that I noticed she always did when she was nervous, and although I usually tried to correct her, I just knew that this was not even the fucking moment for all of that.

Not when my head was this messed up, not when she had dropped this huge bomb on me.

“I know that it sounds absurd and just out of the blue, but trust me Desmond I have been feeling like this for a really long time and I just did not know how much longer I could hide my feelings. I really do love you”

There it was, she said it again, and looking deep into her eyes, with how much emotion that was behind those orbs, I could tell that she meant it… every single word.

This situation was fucked.

“No”

The words sounded so bitter coming out of my mouth, and my beast wailed with sadness from within my consciousness.

And in another time I would have said yes, screamed it from the rooftops that this short fiery woman was the owner of my heart, but even though I was a selfish fucking asshole, I could not do that to her.

She deserved more than a man who had slept with his ex because he could not tell the difference. Rut or not, I should have had more restraint and now my actions had fucked everything up.

She blinked, and I could see the light that was in her eyes earlier slowly fade away, and all it took was one single second for her sparkle to be gone.

“No?”

My jaw tightened. I ran a rough hand through my hair and suddenly it felt like I could not stand still. I paced to the window before finally turning back to her.

“No,” I repeated, my voice stronger this time. “You can’t do that.”

She stood up slowly. “I can’t do what exactly Desmond?”

It was back, I was now just Desmond, no babe no baby, hell I would even take asshole at this point than for her to say my name in that tone.

I sighed “You can’t… fall in love with me.”

A hallow laugh escaped her mouth, almost like she could not really understand what I was saying “I am sorry Desmond, but that is not really how the heart works” she said.

“You don’t understand.”

“Then fucking explain it to me!”

It was like there was something stuck in my throat, it hurt.

“You do not deserve someone like me… I am only going to hurt you” I said.

She took both my hands in hers “I don’t care Desmond. I love you and I know that you love me too”

I removed my hands from hers and turned away “you don’t know anything”

Those words hurt as much saying them as I knew that it would hurt her hearing it. But I knew that I was doing the right thing…. Andrew hurt her by cheating on her, someone that she loved.

I could not let her love me, and be hurt by what I did, and I was still so scared to say the truth. Not now, not when I could see the tears gradually fill her eyes. With the effort she was using to blink back her tears, it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart with a stake over and over again.

“I know that you feel a lot for me Desmond so… w-why are you doing this?” her voice cracked at the end.

“You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

“I’m not asking for anything,” she said, voice trembling despite her obvious effort to steady it. “I’m simply telling you how I feel.”

“And I’m telling you that you can’t” I said.

My beast wailed.

I was a cruel man I know and I doubt she would ever forgive me… hell I could not even forgive myself.

She searched my face, like she was looking for anything, any sin that she was not being delusional. “Do you not feel anything?”

I clenched my jaw tightly before I exhaled “That’s not the point.”

“Then what is?”

I licked my lips trying to put my words together like anything I said will fix anything “if you love me” I said, my voice barely a whisper, “it will ruin you.”

The room was so quiet I could literally hear a pin drop.

“And what if I don’t care huh? What if I’d rather be dragged through the pits of hell knowing fully well that it would be worth it if I was with you?”

My chest felt even tighter. She was so confident about me, had so much trust in me and here I was standing on the fact that I was a betraying bastard…. How do I say the truth?

“You think you don’t now, but you will, eventually”

She scoffed and took a step back, my hands itched to reach her, but I forced myself to stay still. I was losing her, after tonight… I just knew it.

The air has shifted and there was this look in her eyes and I wished she would never look at me the way she was right now. 

“I have to get the fuck out of here” she said and walked past me.

I grabbed her arm out of reflex “where are you going?”

“I need space Desmond or do I not deserve that much?” her eyes was red and puffy and her tone was sharp.

I let her go and nodded my head stiffly “ok”

She stormed off without so much as even changing clothes.

“Fuck!”

I punched the nearest wall, feeling nothing even when my hand was bleeding. The tears that I thought I could keep at bay finally let loose and my heart hurt, it had never happened like this before.

This was supposed to be a good dinner.

Kennedie was perfection if it ever existed, and I was lucky that she would even consider me as worth her time. 

If only things were different.