Chapter 192 Locked In
Let Me Go, Alpha Calhoun 192:
Kristen's POV
The torment I am suffering from Theodore's ghost has made me become a shadow of myself. Exhausted sleepy eyes, and bags around my eyes because I haven't had any sleep for the course of three nights, since the night I ran out in the rain, upon seeing Theodore on everyone's faces.
My skin is pale, I have lost over six pounds because I have been starving and lacking hygiene like a psychiatric patient. Nor have I changed out of my nightdress.
And I am as well afraid of going out in the open to socialize or even interact with people because I am scared I will see him again, and then I'll end up losing my mind, something which would make everyone see that truly, their Luna isn't sane anymore.
I shut myself out from the world and Calhoun inclusive. That man has been through a whole lot since I came into his life. It's been one problem after the other, and I feel too bad to even face him now.
"Kristen, you can't continue doing this to us," he's at my door for the third time this evening, and there's an earnest plea in his voice, not like an Alpha who wants his Luna but as a man who is missing his wife.
"Go away, Calhoun, I don't want you to see me like this," it takes everything in me to speak to him like this, when I on the other hand misses him more than life itself, but hiding is still the only alternative I have left since guilt slices deep through me each time I stare into his caring, eerily blue eyes.
"I have already seen the worst of you, please open up so we can talk," Calhoun implores with a gentle knock on the door.
"No, Calhoun, I don't want to see you as him anymore," I rub the side of my arm when a slight shudder runs through me from the quick unstable thought of seeing the face of the man whom I murdered, instead of my husband.
"I promise it won't happen," Calhoun's voice is soft, soothing and reassuring like he truly can handle this when in fact, it's beyond his power.
"Don't do that, you can't change anything," I tell him the bitter truth even though it will be a hard pill for him to swallow.
"I need you....Aiden needs you too," he rasps out.
And a bitter scoff rolls from my throat upon going through the flashback of the occurrence with my son three days ago. When he was brought to me by his nanny to nurse, he kept wailing so hard and acted as if I was a stranger to him. And I knew it was because of Theodores restless spirit revolving around me.
"Aiden isn't settled around me, he cries the whole time I try to nurse him," I remind Calhoun, although
he is already aware of this.
"Are you trying to say it has to do with you?" My husband inquires after a short pause.
And a sad smile creeps up on my face at this.
"Yes, my son doesn't even recognize me anymore, its best I stay away from the whole world," I make this known to Calhoun and surprisingly I am not breaking
into tears.
"You can't torture yourself like this, Kristen, there are people out here who care about you a lot. You are my wife, Luna of this pack, let me help you out of this, please," I wonder why Calhoun hasn't even break down this door when he's capable of doing so, or it can be that he's putting my feelings into consideration and he doesn't want to scare me. about my feelings that he doesn't want to scare me.
"There is nothing you can do Calhoun, just go away," I try to quietly shoo him off.
"No, it's been two days, I can't let you keep torturing yourself, what does that even make me?" An enrage Calhoun bangs his fist against the door but it's not loud enough to frighten me. He still cares so much about my feelings to behave violently.
But his words still affect me deeply, makes me feel like a selfish bitch, so, I choose not to give him any response, instead I suck harshly in my breath and stare at the ceiling. It's just so sad that Calhoun thinks I am torturing myself when the truth is that I am trying to protect him from any impending harm, because when I start seeing Theodore everywhere, I am unable to control my actions,
"Kristen, please open up. Don't let me break down this door to come get you,' Calhoun breathes out, and this makes my heart clench in my chest because I am starting to imagine the kind of distress is going through. Having a half sane wife, a fussy infant and a pack and other responsibilities to deal with its not
easy at all.
"Just go, Calhoun, do not make this worse for me," I
yell at him.
I wait for two minutes, and I don't hear any response from him. Not even when I wait for more seven
minutes.
A dull pain spreads through my chest upon my realization that he's finally gone,
I kept pushing him away, why do feel terrible now
that he has succumbed to my wish by leaving? It's just insane, because I feel way too guilty to face him like this. No man deserves to suffer as much as he.
My legs give out underneath me and I drop to the cold floor, wondering how long I'll continue living like this because it's like a curses. If I step out now or try to meet with anyone, it's Theodore Fitzgerald whom I would see.
"Kristen, open up," there's a loud bang on my door and the voice does sound like Sapphire. And there's
another person talking. Maddy.
"Kristen..."
"Why are you here, did Calhoun sent you?"
"Don't turn people away, Kristen. You need us to be
here for you," Maddy speaks up, her voice hinting on frustration and concern.
"I don't want anyone around me at this point in time,
so just leave," I use the same firm tone I was using on Calhoun earlier.
"Don't let this gain control over you, it's not
something that cannot be fixed," this is from Sapphire
"I killed Theodore Fitzgerald, so it's not like I can
bring him back to life," putting my chin on my drawn up legs, I sigh.
"He was trying to separate you from Calhoun and
Aiden, trust me, Kristen, I would have done worst if I were in your shoes," of course it's Sapphire
"He was my mate, I haven't heard of anyone killing their mate before, I think I am the first to do this, that's why I keep seeing him everywhere," I point out the obvious hoping, they'll believe me at least.
"It's not real, Kristen, it's all your mind playing you games," Sapphire continues stubbornly.
"I know what I've been seeing and hearing," I say
more to myself than my friends because it was futile trying to make them believe me, when they think it's
just a fabrication of my thoughts about seeing the face of Theodore everywhere.
"That's why Calhoun wants to help you, shutting him out is just worsening the situation, although he can't use force to get you out of there, he's considerate as ever, putting your feelings first because he doesn't wat to hurt you along the way," Maddy makes this known to me in the most calmest and soothing manner possible.
And my ears raise in alert upon hearing this from her.
"Calhoun told you all that?" I ask with keen interest.
"No, but the look on his face says it all. He cares about you more than anything in the world, don't try to turn him away like this," It's Sapphire who does the talking this time.
"You know nothing about this, just leave please," my
voice is stern and unfriendly as possible, so as to shoo them away just like I did to Calhoun, because I am exhausted from all of the talking. "Fine, we'll leave as you want, but know you can't
stay in there forever. And starving is just stupid, you
have a baby growing inside of you," Sapphire doesn't cease to express her disappointment, "Let's get the hell out of here and let her be," she directs this to
Maddy. And just like that, my friends take leave, upon realizing that their persuasion is futile. Exasperated, I hold my eyes tightly in their sockets, wishing I can make all this go away, but its impossible because this is my repercussion for killing
my second mate,
The sound of Aiden crying can be heard by me, right
before I start hearing footsteps approaching my door. I would have said it was Sapphire returning to say something mean because she's mad at me, but the cries from my son gives out that it's his nanny, Cynthia. "Yes?" I ask because she's silent and I can tell she's contemplaring on knocking or not, but Aiden is still wailing so hard that I'm afraid he'll have a headache "It's only me, my Luna. Aiden has been crying nonstop, I'm guessing he wants to see you again,"
From the way she sounds, it's obvious she's bone
tired.
"Take him away, I am not in the position to see him,"
I command, my tone dismissive.
"But he wants you," there's an earnest plea from
Cynthia.
"I said go away," I growl upon not wanting to hear
Aiden's cries further, because it only makes feel worst about my condition.
And at last, I hear her footsteps retreating. My shoulders sag as I drag my knees up to my chest
and wrap my arms around them, wanting the tears to come but they don't.
Mom would be happy if she finds out what I am currently going through, she told me I will never know peace. Somehow, I think her words are following me,
because she brought me out into this world, and I unintentionally ended up ruining things for her when she was about tasting happiness for the first time in
her life.