Chapter 85. Think about...
Jackson Johnson
She was silent. Her eyelashes fluttered quickly. She opened her mouth, but not a word came out. Then I realized the weight of my words.
"I mean 'with me' in the building," I said, smiling, trying to cover up my lie. "I'm the owner of this place, I can give you an affordable price on the apartment I have available..." She frowned and squinted her eyes.
"It didn't sound like that, but anyway, thanks, but I'll look in another area." Then she showed a beautiful smile, her cheeks had turned a lovely pink, and she turned her gaze to the food in front of us.
I felt like a fool. How could I ask her to live with me on our fifth date? What's wrong with you, Jackson? Then I got lost in my own thoughts, imagining waking up with Lilly every morning in this place, made me smile, having breakfast, dinner, lying on the couch to watch movies, using the pool in the afternoons, then the image of my mother having tea with her in her favorite room, both laughing while looking at my photo album, then I snapped out of my bubble when Lilly waved her hand in front of me.
"I'm sorry," I said immediately.
"Are you okay? You went quiet..."
"Yes, I'm fine, it's just that my mind wandered for a moment..."
"And where did it go?" she asked curiously, taking a sip of her wine without taking her eyes off mine.
"Well, just around... but I just know that in the future you'll get along very well with my mother." She raised her eyebrows.
"In the fut...?" she didn't finish her question.
"Yes," then I took a risk and asked, "Have you thought about us beyond the six dates?" She looked more surprised than she already was.
"Well," she cleared her throat immediately and straightened up. "To be honest? I haven't thought about it..." I don't know why her answer caused a pit in the center of my stomach. She looked away. "I haven't thought beyond because I prefer to enjoy the moment... Have you thought about it?" I urgently needed to change the subject and made eye contact again with her beautiful brown eyes.
"Are you hungry? My housekeeper left some steaks just the way you like them." Her expression showed confusion, then she smiled, understanding my drastic change of subject.
"Yes, of course." After moving to the main dining room, I set the table and served dinner. The dinner began with a trivial topic, but my mind was replaying that answer over and over. I put my utensils down next to my plate and let out a sigh. I looked up and glanced at her, who was saying something I wasn't paying attention to while cutting her steak. She noticed my silence and stopped talking and looked at me. "Is something wrong?"
"When you said you haven't thought about the future with me, is it because you imagine someone else by your side?" I paused. "Like Oliver?" Her face paled.
"What? No! Please, how could you think of Oliver? No, no, no," she seemed irritated in seconds. "He hurt me a lot and I'm done with that part. There's no need to mention him."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"If I said I don't think about the future, it's because I've done it in the past. And it didn't end well." The tone she used was one of disappointment.
"But not everyone is the same, Lilly," I replied to her words, and she just fluttered her eyelashes. Did I sound too direct and harsh? "I'm sorry."
"I respect how you think, but when you have experience, you'll understand what I mean." I froze in place, thinking about her words. "I didn't mean that..." I raised my hand to stop her words.
"I understand what you mean."
"Jackson..." I shook my head.
"Seriously, you don't need to say more. I know I've never had someone by my side and even less experienced making future plans and not knowing it would break my heart, but I want you to understand that you can't just assume I'll never understand what you mean." I paused, somehow, a part of me felt something inside, and I didn't like that feeling. Lilly put her utensils down next to her plate, took a long sip of her wine almost finishing it, then looked in my direction.
"You said it out loud and it sounds cruel, but I didn't mean it that way."
"So how? Every time we talk about something, will you point out my lack of experience?"
"No, of course not, I don't know why I said it."
"We know why you said it, in the end it's not a lie." An uncomfortable silence filled the room. At what point did we get to this?
"Why has everything become so awkward?" she asked, not taking her eyes off me.
"I was the one who led it down this path without realizing it. A part of me burns with jealousy just imagining you thinking of a future with someone who isn't me," I said out loud. Finally.
"Jackson," I looked at her. "Let's stop thinking about what could happen in the future, because we would neglect what we are living in the present. Don't you think?"