Chapter 58 Chapter Fifty- Four
Alex’s point of view
The words didn't make sense at first.
They sounded like they belonged to someone else, to a different night, a different version of us where things were clearer and easier and I wasn't standing under a flickering streetlight with my chest caving in on itself.
I think I'm in love with you, Alex.
I stared at him.
For a second, my brain did this strange thing where it latched onto details instead of meaning.
The way his hands were shaking.
The tear clinging to his lower lashes threatening to fall.
The way his voice barely held together at the end of the sentence.
"Demi" I said, because I didn't know what else to say, I don’t know how to react to this news.
He flinched, just a little.
"I know" he rushed on, like he was afraid I'd cut him off. "I know that's probably not what you want to hear. And I'm not saying it to pressure you or make you feel bad or-“
"Just stop, please" I said, holding up a hand.
He stopped immediately.
The silence that followed was deafening. My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was bruising me from the inside.
I searched my chest for something solid.
Relief?,
Happiness?,
Fear?
Revulsion?
Or maybe certainty.
Nothing lined up cleanly.
"I didn't plan to tell you tonight" Demi said quietly. "I wasn't even going to tell you ever. Bu-But then you asked why I looked heartbroken, and I ju- I just-" he took a small pause maybe to catch his breath.
He then laughed weakly. "I guess I am" he said to himself before he looked at me, his eyes were watery, he looked so vulnerable right now.
My throat tightened painfully.
"How long?" I asked quietly, I was a bit scared to know the answer.
He hesitated. "Does it matter?"
"Yes" I said. "It does" I really wanted to know.
Demi looked down at the pavement. "A while"
"How long is a while?" I pressed, I was growing impatient.
"After much thoughts, I guess it’s since before we crossed whatever line we crossed" he admitted. "Since before we started pretending this was just physical, I just didn’t let myself see it then, accept it too"
That sent a jolt through me.
"You should've told me" I said.
He looked up sharply. "And what would that have changed?"
I didn't have an answer.
"That's what I thought," he said softly.
I ran a hand through my hair, pacing a few steps away, then back again. My thoughts were a mess, overlapping, contradicting, refusing to settle.
"I don't know what to say" I admitted.
"I'm not asking you to say it back" he said quickly. "I just needed you to know. Because pretending I don't feel this way is destroying me."
Destroying.
The word echoed in my head.
I looked at him again, really looked at him. At the way he was standing there, exposed and raw, waiting for a response that could break him or free him or both.
And all I could think was how unfair it felt to be handed something this fragile when I didn't even know what to do with my own feelings.
"I care about you Demi" I said slowly.
"I know" Demi replied. "You've said that before, you keep saying that, it’s like that’s all you know how to say"
"But I don't know if it's-" I swallowed. "I don't know if it's what you really feel"
The hurt on his face was immediate, sharp.
"That’s not what I really feel?" he asked. "So you’re going to tell me what I feel and what I do feel" he let out a little laugh
"I’m not trying to do that" I said, panicked. "I just- I don’t know what to do or what to say right now, my brain is all mush"
"I know, let me just go" he said quietly.
"No wait" I insisted. "I'm just- confused."
He let out a shaky laugh. "You're always confused when it comes to me."
"Now that’s not fair," i snapped, frustration bubbling over. "This is a lot. You just dropped this on me, especially when one of our rules was to NOT fall for each other Demi, fuck this isn’t fair"
"You’re acting like it will affect you, remember you don’t like me back, so you shouldn’t feel or look so distressed, you’ve already rejected me" he shot back.
The word rejected hit hard.
"I'm not rejecting you," I said. "I'm just being honest."
"Honest about what?" he asked. "That you don't want to be with me?"
The truth sat heavy and ugly in my chest.
"I don't think we can be together," I said finally.
The words tasted like ash.
Demi stared at me before he scoffed at me. "Like I didn’t see that coming"
"I don't know what I feel," I continued ignoring his little comment, forcing myself to keep going even as something inside me screamed to stop. "And it wouldn't be fair to you to pretend I do. To drag you into something when I can't even stand the idea of being seen."
His eyes filled instantly.
"So because you're scared?, is that what you’re trying to say?" he said, voice breaking,
"That's not what I'm saying."
‘I’m not gay’ hanged so loosely at the tip of tongue
"It's exactly what you're saying," he replied. "Or at least it’s what I’m hearing."
"You’re twisting my words Demi" I said desperately. "I just see you as a friend and nothing more, you’re my BEST friend, I don’t feel that way about you."
He shook his head, tears spilling over now. "Im sorry, I don’t mean to- I’m- I’m sorry"
"I know," I said. "This is just a lot for the both of us"
"Just so you know, I don’t need you to love me back," he said, voice trembling. "I just needed you to know, I wanted to get it off my chest."
"I can't do this," I said, my own voice cracking. "I can't be with you the way you want me to."
Demi wiped at his face angrily. "I know”
My chest tightened. "I’m sorry Demi"
“I have to go” he said before he started walking away, or running away.
Panic surged. "Wait."
He didn't stop.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," I said, louder now.
He paused, shoulders shaking.
"I know," he said without turning around. "But that doesn't make it hurt less."
Then he walked away.
I watched him go, watched his back as he crossed the street, watched him wipe at his face like he was trying to erase what had just happened.
I didn't follow.
I couldn't.
I stood there under the streetlight, completely still, my heart breaking in a way I didn't understand.
I told myself I'd done the right thing. That honesty was better than false hope. That letting him go was kinder than trapping him in my uncertainty.
So why did it feel like I'd just lost something I'd never get back?