Chapter 23 Chapter Twenty-Three
Alex’s Point Of View
I woke up slowly, the morning light filtering softly through the curtains, casting a harsh glow across the room, I could feel Demi moving around, so I knew the sun was glaring hard on his face.
The air still carried the scent of last night, something unfamiliar yet oddly comforting.
For a moment, I lay there, eyes closed, trying to process what had happened last night.
But my mind refused to cooperate, instead, it spiraled into a tangled web of thoughts I couldn’t quite solve.
Why do I keep wanting to be near Demi so bad?
That question loops like a broken record in my head, but the answer remains stubbornly difficult.
Something tells me it’s not just about attraction, no, it has to be something deeper than that.
It’s like an instinct I can’t quite name, a pull I don’t understand but feel compelled to follow.
It’s like the voice at the back of my head is trying to over power the rest of my body and it’s somehow annoying.
‘Demi’ I mentally sighed as a picture of my best friend came to mind.
The name alone feels charged with something unspoken.
Whenever I look at him, I don’t just see a friend or a guy I’ve known forever.
There’s a flicker, of something raw, something that sparks in me and refuses to go out for some weird reason.
I wonder if he feels it too, or if it’s just me projecting my own mental chaos onto him.
Sometimes I catch myself watching him when he’s not looking, my gaze lingering longer than it should.
And it scares me because, I keep doing that yet I don’t know why.
It feels like there’s something wrong with me.
I tell myself it’s harmless, and it’s just admiration, maybe curiosity as to how he gets his skin so smooth and maybe it’s because I love how his kinky curls sat beautifully on his head.
But that nagging voice deep down, keeps telling me it’s more than that.
And I hate that it might be right.
Last night, when we were tangled in each other’s arms-and I mean serious tangled, God was he perfect last night, I never knew my best friend could be slutted out like that-.
I keep replaying it in my mind, trying to understand what it was, what it means, but the words don’t come.
All I have are feelings that refuse to be labeled or understood.
There’s this strange sense of comfort when I’m with him.
It’s not just physical, but emotional too.
Like I’ve found a piece of myself I didn’t know was missing.
And that terrifies me, because what if it’s just a fleeting thing?
What if I wake up tomorrow and realize it was a mistake, a mistake I wish I hadn’t made?
But even as I think that, I know I can’t deny the truth.
I keep wanting to see him, to be near him.
That’s why I had proposed we do the whole friends with benefits thing.
Maybe it will help me understand why I keep wanting to be near him and to keep touching him.
And not just as a friend but as more.
It’s like an ache in my chest, a craving I can’t satisfy.
But I feel guilty for feeling this way, guilty because I don’t know if it’s right, if it’s wrong, if it even matters.
I’m not gay, so why do I keep wanting all this with a guy.
I wonder how Demi feels about all of this.
Does he think about me the way Im thinking about him?
He did tell me he was gay the night we first slept together, did he say that because of Kyle or did he actually mean that he was gay?.
Or maybe I had thought of him saying it so that me sleeping with him won’t be as bad as it actually is.
Sometimes I catch myself imagining conversations, moments when he looks at me differently, when he smiles in a way that makes my heart race.
But I know I shouldn’t get carried away. I don’t want to ruin what we have, or what I think we have.
There’s this constant battle inside me, part of me wants to run, to push these feelings aside and pretend they don’t exist.
The other part is desperate to explore them, to understand why I feel so freaking drawn to him.
It’s like I’m caught in a storm I can’t see the end of, and all I can do is hold on and hope I don’t lose my footing.
I keep asking myself, why do I keep wanting to sleep with Demi?
Maybe it’s about feeling understood without saying a word, about finding someone who sees me for who I really am and doesn’t judge.
Maybe it’s just about needing to feel loved, even if I don’t fully understand what love is.
And then there’s the fear, fear that if I give in to these feelings, everything will change.
That the friendship I cherish will be damaged forever.
That I’ll lose him, or he’ll lose me, and I’ll be left with nothing but questions and regrets.
But even with all that, I can’t deny the truth in my heart, I want him to be with me forever.
I want to be close to him, to feel his touch, to hear his voice.
I want to know why this feels so essential, so inevitable.
It’s like a secret I’ve been carrying around inside me, and now that the moment has come, I don’t know how to handle it.
I felt him stir beside me, meaning he’s awake.
“Good morning” I greeted him making his body tense a bit before it relaxed.
I’m sure he probably thought he imagined us sleeping with each other and that it didn’t actually happen.
I know my best friend so well.