13 How to have Jurassic World in one's tummy.

"The things I do just to see you happy," Uncle muttered, shaking his head as he took a basic Nokia cellphone from his drawer and handed it over to me.

I smiled at him, looking as innocent as possible.

"Oh, don't look at me like that, Uthra."

Uncle tried to look annoyed but his lips were quivering with a borderline smile.

"I know you love me, uncle," I said as I pocketed the cell phone, "otherwise, you wouldn't let me go out with these guys."

Uncle just nodded in response.

I knew what I was doing was too unsafe but hey, in my defense, I had very little time left at the school, and when the guys knew I wasn’t a guy, I wouldn’t be able to talk to them ever again. So I might as well make as many memories as possible, ‘cause sitting on the floor and doing homework doesn’t make the best memories that'll make you all tingly years after.

And yes, when I was leaving, I was planning to tell the guys that I was a girl. They deserved to know it. Okay, I was saying this like I was going to tell my ex-neighbour Grandma that she shouldn't wear her trademark sleeveless nightgown, but I knew it was not going to be that simple.

Well, let's say that I didn't even want to think about it.

"Well," I said, clapping my hands together, "I'll be back by evening. And what did he..."

I stopped. Uncle looked at me as if he knew what I was asking. His eyes were sad and I tried to swallow the tired sigh that was threatening to erupt. What was my father's problem, exactly?

First he lets me go to stay with guys when I insist, and then he goes and acts like I just came up with this idea out of the blue because of my inability to control my hormones. I promised that I would come back after my eleventh grade so why the hell would he show his displeasure at every single possible moment?

"Just tell him that I don't give a damn," I said coldly.

"Hon—" Uncle started, but I wasn't there to listen.

"Where the hell were you, bud?" Ryan asked as I came out of the corridor to enter the school grounds.

"Um, just there," I replied lamely and though Ryan looked at me as if I were an utter stupid, he chose not to reply and instead walked with me to the dorm. We chatted excitedly about our little outing because schools letting boarders going into the town was not a common thing here. Like, ever.

Rohan and the guys were waiting outside our dorm gates. Rohan smiled at me when he saw me and the mini zoo in my stomach returned.

Like, seriously... it's just a small smile. Why the hell would you get all tingly inside, Uthra Parthiban? I'm not dumb enough to not notice what’s going on. Just remember that YOU. ARE. ENGAGED. TO. ANOTHER. GUY.

Jeremy.

The same tired sigh threatened to spill again. What mess have I created inside my own mind? I got pulled from my guilty conscience by Hrithik-anna's friendly pat on my shoulder.

"How are you?"

I let out a dry laugh. "Seriously anna, I’ve spent so many months here, leading a rough life among you guys and just because you know my secret doesn't mean I'm suddenly a damsel in distress who needs a knight in shining armour," I whispered, and anna gave a discreet sheepish grin. "Cut out with the 'Are you alright' and 'How are you' stuff. They'll find it fishy."

Hrithik-anna and I slowed a bit from our walk so that we were out of earshot of everyone else.

"I'm just... queasy, y'know," he said, "every time the guys invade your personal space, I feel like I want to push them aside and shout that you're a girl."

I stared back at him in alarm.

"Don't worry, idiot," anna said, laughing as he poked my forehead, "remember that I owe you? Wouldn't spoil your thing."

And even though his tone was like he was doing this all because he felt indebted, I knew that he cared. That's who anna really was. Glad that I finally figured him out.

I smiled.

The walk to the bus station was brisk and lively. We all made fun of each other, pushing and punching each other and making a lot of noise, which earned disapproving looks from the elders but who cared... this was what I wanted.

The bus actually had zero empty seats, as it was peak hours. So we all ended up standing.

A middle-aged woman occupied the space before me while the space behind me was occupied by, yeah you guessed it right, Rohan.

His breath was fanning the back of my neck, which made the hairs on my neck stand on end. The now familiar black hole formed in my stomach and my fingers gripping the railing over my head tightened. The shrill whistle of the conductor pierced the air and the driver pushed the brake.

Bump.

This time not only the hair in the back of my neck rose, but also those on the backs of my hands. Rohan's chest pressed into my back and his breath now brushed my ears. I could feel my cheeks getting warmer and the mini zoo was replaced by Jurassic Park. And right when I decided to move a little away from him, the bus shook and I stumbled forward. Rohan's huge hands enclosed my waist, holding me in place. I felt heat colouring my cheeks.

Great, this journey was going to be so great. Note the sarcasm.

*

*

*

"What's her score? Out of five," Shravan asked, pointing at a girl who was looking at something in the showcase.

"Four," Ryan said, and Rohit nodded.

"Three," Hrithik-anna said.

"Four." That was from Shravan.

I glanced at Karan-anna, who looked deep in thought. "I don't know," he said, "maybe somewhere between three and four?"

"Brother, can't you even decide on one? Will ya be this indecisive even during—" Hrithik-anna stopped and glanced at me. He coughed and let the sentence just hang there. I fought back the cheeky grin that was growing on my face as I glanced back at anna winking. Pfft, guys and their dirty talk.

When I felt the eyes turn on me I muttered a 'four' since... well, that's what came into my mind at that moment.

"What's your score, man?" Rohit asked Rohan.

That girl wasn't beautiful, in a sense. She was... glamorous, I guess. Her tight dress clung to her body, defining her curves. A truckload of makeup covered her face while her eyes looked like they were surrounded by black holes. She had a nice body but what the guys saw in her was a mystery.

I wondered what Rohan would give her.

"Half... or probably zero?"

With wide eyes, I turned towards him and I bet I may have torn a ligament with the velocity. Or earned a whiplash.

Wow.

"Mate, she's hot," Ryan deadpanned.

"She looks like an institute whose 'in' was replaced by a 'pro.’"

Rohan's trademark stoic voice made an appearance against Ryan's and the inner cheerleader in me did cartwheels for my cru— what the heck, friend. I purely meant friend.

Yes.

Friend.

The slap-happiness in me from just a moment before faded.

Crush? Seriously, what's in your mind, Uthra?

Is this how cheating housewives feel? Maybe being in close proximity with a guy was starting to cloud my mind.

Ryan and Rohan were bickering about the girl's “honest” score when I returned back to earth.

"You're hopeless," Ryan muttered.

"She's so fake," Rohan said with finality.

Ryan scoffed. "Don't tell me your type is the I-won't-take-my-eyes-from-the-ground-cause-I'm-so-awkward girls!"

Rohan rolled his eyes.

"Those girls don't exist anymore," he said, and Ryan waved his hands dismissively.

"Whatever."

And they continued scoring girls as we made our way to the food court while I settled for the most rated numbers.

I noticed that Rohan's scoring never exceeded two and a small smile fought its way onto my face. What would he rate me?

I kicked the other voice in me as soon as it made it's appearance.

You don't have to bother with Rohan scoring you. The only person who can do that was... um, is... er... Jere— yuck, I could never say things like that involving Jeremy!

My toes curled as I remembered how we would be marrying each other in the future. Maybe... maybe I wasn't in love with Jeremy like I thought? I sighed, shaking my head as I looked around the food court, deciding which shop I should get my lunch from, when I froze.

Two people sitting in the middle of the food court laughing made me want to bury myself in the deepest pit on earth.

Seriously, what have I got myself into?

*

*

*

Jeremy and Ayisha hadn't noticed me and for that, I was grateful to all the gods in the world. Thank you Lord Shiva, Lord Vishnu, Baby Jesus, Prophet Mohammed, Gautam Buddha, Mahavir, Zeus, Poseidon, Hade—

Hazel eyes interrupted my thank you speech.

It was just a mere glance from Jeremy but my heart was undergoing a first class heart attack.

It's been months since I last saw Jeremy and Ayisha but my heart wasn't jumping with joy. Instead it was screaming “ABORT MISSION!” with red lights flashing.

I let out a sigh of relief when Jeremy turned back, but the sigh got stuck in my throat when he turned to me with more curiosity.

Hazel eyes into black ones.

I was dead.

Yep.

I was literally dead.

Thank you amma and appa for giving birth to me.

Jeremy rose from his seat.

Thank you Varsha for being such a cute little sister.

Jeremy said something to Ayisha.

Thank you uncle for being there for my family when even my own blood uncles and aunts weren't.

Jeremy started walking towards me.

Thank you Ryan, Hrithik-anna, Rohit, um... Ka... Ka— Karan-anna (heck you're going to die so at least try to be nice) for being my friends. And finally, thank you Rohan for showing me what having a crush feels lik— what?!

NO! No no no no no. No!

I have to run. Yep, run.

"Guys, I'll be right back," I blurted out and started walking away as fast as I could towards the exit.

I could feel the guys’ eyes on me, but I didn't stop.

Reach the trench if you want to live, soldier!

But the feel of long fingers around my wrist made me halt.

Well, I would be dead in a minute. Goodbye earth and earthlings. Don't forget to mention on my headstone that I was a genius who decided to dress as a guy. Farewell, belov—

"Uthra?"

"Yeah?"

I turned back as slowly as I could, brushing off my severe urge to reply with a “Who the hell is Uthurrraa? Dude, I don't understand you. I don't speak English. I'm a Japanese kid born in Africa and my name is Pepeto Akira Obama” but even I knew that was a really bad choice of words.

Jeremy laughed.

"For a moment I thought it wasn't you."

He sounded different.

"Oh." I sounded mega lame.

"Yeah."

"Mmm."

God, can it get any more awkward?

"Uh... Ayisha and I came here and we just saw you. Wanna join?"

Wanna join? Wow, he just made me feel like a total outsider. What happened to my best friend slash fiancé who just dragged me places with full authority?

"Uh, sure."

We slowly made our way towards the center of the food court. I could see in my peripheral vision that the guys were a good number of tables away from us, but I felt queasy.

What was I going to tell them?

Way to make good memories, Uthra.

Jeremy turned sideways and my legs froze when he gazed at the table occupied by the guys.

"Who are they?"

I pretended to be surprised. "Who?"

"Those guys who look like they're here to steal something."

To say I was highly offended would be an understatement. Yet I swallowed my irritation and lied through my teeth.

"I don't know."

"Oh," Jeremy seriously sounded different, "I thought you were talking to them."

"Um, really?" He hummed and I didn't bother with a reply.

Was it me or did Jeremy seem distant? Impulsive Jeremy was annoying, but I preferred him to this guy. We reached the table to face Ayisha's trademark bored face.

"So it was really you," she said, giving her signature smirk and I smiled back happily.

Ayisha wasn't exactly best friend material, and half of the things that came out of her mouth were insults. And I can assure you that I wasn't a masochist. But I just loved her so much and I know she loved me too, even if she didn't show it.

"How you been, girl?" I asked as I joined the table.

"As effingly awesome as possible."

"Er... okay," I said as I tried to ignore the fact that my friend just used a censored form of swearing.

"So," I started again, "what are you guys doing here? In this mall? There's a much bigger and more beautiful one in our town."

Well, my old town, but whatever.

"Bored with it," Jeremy said bluntly, and I nodded.

I glanced at their almost finished dishes. "Finished eating?"

"Nah, we ordered scraps," Ayisha muttered as she looked at her manicured fingers.

The smile on my face wavered for a second but I reminded myself that this was Ayisha and this was how she behaved.

Jeez, I guess I was so caught up with my own drama that simple things were starting to offend me.

"Now that I'm talking to you, I realised that I missed your itch with a b- ness very much."

Ayisha rolled her eyes and Jeremy looked disinterested. I tried to wave off the light hurt in my heart. Maybe I’d changed. That's why I feel like they were so distant. Jeremy felt a little... off, and Ayisha... well, she sounded meaner than ever.

"Why did you cut your hair?" Ayisha asked, flipping her gorgeous brown hair.

"It's the new trend," I said, winking, and she scoffed back in response.

I opened my mouth to reply when I felt strange suddenly. It felt as if someone’s were drilling into my back.

I turned back to see Rohan looking at me. His eyes lit up when my eyes met his. I smiled back as discreetly as possible and turned back when I heard Jeremy talk.

"But seriously, look at you. Your attire..." he trailed off as he motioned for the waiter to bring the bill.

I faked a laugh.

I straightened my collar. "It's the new fashion."

"Fashion?" Ayisha sneered and I rolled my eyes.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked as we started walking away.

I was actually glad that my attire included simple black skinny jeans and a plain button-down whose sleeves rolled up. It was a neutral look. I could be a punk girl or teen idol guy.

"Nothing, Fashion Queen."

And even though I tried hard to control my eye muscles, they contracted themselves into a glare. Orbicularis oculi, I'll blame you if I lose my best girl friend. Just because I didn't dress stylish didn't mean that I was not aware of what was fashionable. Was she implying that fashion means dressing provocatively like her?

Whoa, whoa, hold your horses, woman! This is who Ayisha is and you love her for that. Just because it's been months since you last talked doesn't mean that she is mean to you or that you can get angry at her.

I decided to ignore her.

I let the two walk forward and turned back towards the guys' table. They were all talking as they shoved food into their huge mouths and I chuckled. Rohan perked up suddenly and turned towards my direction.

I smiled at him and he gave back one of his breathtaking smiles. It started the tornado inside me.

I pointed to Jeremy and Ayisha and then pointed to me. The I showed my watch and waved my hand as if I was asking them to go. He nodded and shot me a thumbs up and I have him a victory sign, grinning goofily at how he was able to get me.

With a final salute, I turned back and followed my two best friends who didn't, thankfully, notice my tiny exchange with Rohan.

*

*

*

By six in the evening, my friends and I were ready to leave.

After the mall, we went to a local carnival. We had loads of fun as we tried all the fast food from the stalls, played the silly children games, took horrible selfies and made fools of ourselves by behaving like little kids high on sugar. We laughed a lot (well, Ayisha's laugh was always sarcastic, but let's not mind that) but there was small part of me which was nagging about how it would feel to be at this carnival with the guys.

Pain clenched my heart when I realised that it wouldn’t ever happen because the end of the year was nearing and I was going to reveal my secret to them. "Okay, I'll be leaving," I announced as I wiped my hands in my jeans.

"At last," Ayisha sighed happily and I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, your love for me overwhelms my heart," I commented sarcastically.

Ayisha shrugged and Jeremy chuckled.

"Okay, then," Jeremy said as he stepped closer to me. Closer than is acceptable in public. "Bye."

He raised his hands and caressed my cheek and as if it was reflex. I stepped back.

"Whoa buddy," I breathed out, "your hands are quite active today, aren't they?"

Jeremy smiled sheepishly and Ayisha faked a tired yawn.

"Someone said they gotta leave soon," she muttered, stretching her hands over her head, which made her flimsy t-shirt to ride up, revealing a sliver of the skin on her belly.

To put it bluntly, I was leaner than Ayisha but I never dressed to show it off. But Ayisha never cared about others and just dressed--I'm sorry to say this--skimpily. Which, let me tell you, is more like a crime here.

"Yeah yeah, I'm going. Night, guys," I said and started walking away.

Thankfully our school was only a ten minute walk from where we were. As I jogged through the chilly night air, my mind played back to how Jeremy was making subtle advances at me today. I may look naive, but I wasn't blind. He held my hands as if he was dragging me somewhere but never dropped it whenever we reached the destination. Instead he would use the position of our hands to brush my thigh lightly. His hand would make its way to the small of my back as if he was trying to get my attention, but then he wouldn’t drop his hands once I turned back to him. He’d frequently invaded my personal space at the carnival.

Okay, yeah, I was going to marry him someday, but his actions still made me squirm and I was very confused as to why. Because with Rohan... he placed his hands around my shoulders, we held hands and heck, each night we slept hardly two feet away from each other. But why was it that I felt safe around him and not around Jeremy, my best friend with whom I'd spent most of my life?

I sighed. God, this is driving me crazy. I let out another sigh as I rested my hands in my pant pockets and slowed from my active jog to a lazy walk. My hands hit the bottom of the pocket and that's when I realised that something was missing.

Wallet... check.

Handkerchief... check.

Cell phone... check.

Wait.

Cell phone.

I groaned.

I gave it to Jeremy when Ayisha and I decided to ride the amateur rollercoaster. It was a small one since this was a carnival but we were asked to hand our things to someone before entering the car.

Oh god, I was such a fool.

I wondered if I should simply to leave it with Jeremy and ask Uncle to retrieve it, but decided against it because that would cause too much trouble and questions since Jeremy would wonder why Uncle needed my phone.

Jeez, the pain of lying. I let out yet another sigh and started running in the same direction as I had come from.

It hadn't been more than three minutes since I’d left so if I was lucky, I might even be able to catch them since they were going to walk towards the bus station to take a bus to our town.

Thanks to my athletic skills, I reached the park where we’d parted. I was glad when I saw Jeremy and Ayisha only about a hundred metres away from me. Thank god for Ayisha and her snail-slow stride. I thought of calling after them but minding that I was so out of breath, I quickened my pace.

I was surprised when Ayisha pulled Jeremy into an alleyway suddenly. An alleyway? Why? Maybe they’d found a stray kitten or puppy?

I smiled at how Jeremy was around pets and followed them. But I wondered why, sadly, he let go of his animal-raising after he started middle school.

Still with the smile on my face, I turned into the alleyway. But what I saw there knocked the air out of my system.

Let's just say that I wasn't ready for it.

Heartbreak I was an openminded person. I had never gotten jealous when girls flocked around the handsome Jeremy because I knew I was what was in his heart. It was a fact that Ayisha and Jeremy were closer than me and him and it had never bothered me. Not even once. Because seriously, they were best friends, too.

But do male best friends pin their female best friends against a wall while the said female friends have their hands around the male friend’s neck? Is that a “best friend” gesture that I wasn't aware of?

I thought of walking forward but my legs halted when I heard what they were talking about.

"She is an absolute prude," Jeremy said as he buried his face in the crook of Ayisha's neck.

"I've been pointing that out for years now, Danuj," Ayisha said and laughed out loud. "Did you see how she squirmed and backed off every time you made a move?"

Were they talking about me? Jeremy scoffed.

"I effing wanted to pull her aside and do things. Seriously, what can she do? She's just a spineless bitch who calls me 'Jeremy' in that annoying happy and squeaky voice of hers. I'm the good guy in her eyes, I'm Jeremy, her Prince Charming who gives his girl space. God, how can someone be that naive?"

“Uthra. Stop crying. We can call the rabbit Gonzales but you can call me Jeremy.''

“You look like a tomato.”

“Shut up.”

“Pet.”

“Jeremy.”

I felt sick. Did he just use the f-word in a sentence? Did he just call me the b-word?

"Why do you need her when I'm here?" Ayisha purred, and they did something that made me want to throw up my dinner.

I had never seen someone kiss before. Even in the movies, I would lower my head when the leads start looking at each other with googly eyes until they were done with their business. But this time, even though I was seeing it live and not on screen, I couldn't turn my head.

“This girl's very mean! Why are you even friends with her? Ayisha, my foot.”

“Uthra, I think... I may like you.”

“Uthra, Gonzales... died. Can I hold your hand?”

“Wow, school first in the boards?! My girlfriend is a G-E-N-I-U-S.”

“Will you marry me if I ask you now? Haha just kidding, look at your face!”

“Why go to another school for eleventh grade? I'll miss you…”

“I love you.”

My hands rose up to touch the warm liquid flowing down my cheeks.

Why?

My knees felt weak and it was like someone was mercilessly groping my heart.

Why?

And before I knew what I was doing, I retched so hard that a second later my dinner was decorating the ground.

"U—Uthra?"

Jerem— Danuj's face had gone pale and he looked shocked beyond belief. Ayisha, on the other hand, had the same bored expression on her face.

“Wow, Jeremy, you don't even get afraid of the Principal…”

“Jeremy, how can you go and confess that you broke his nose this fearlessly? You'll get expelled, idiot!”

“Jeremy, just try to act a little scared even once, will ya?”

The Danuj I knew was always brave, fearless, someone who would look you in the eye with no remorse even if he was the one who had done wrong. But the Danuj in front of me looked scared, guilty... he wasn't even looking me in the eye.

"Why...?" I whispered finally.

Ayisha rolled her eyes.

"You calling her spineless was a fact, I guess."

"Shut the hell up, Ayisha!" I growled and I was taken aback by how menacing I sounded. "I wasn't talking to you."

Danuj's hands were virtually shaking and he looked at me with something close to fear. But suddenly, as if a switch was flipped on, his lips slowly curled into a deadly smirk and his face slowly got its colour back. "Because you're a prude, Uthra."

When did being modest become prudish? A sudden anger surged through me and I straightened myself to my full height. I couldn't show weakness in front of these betraying foxes. "Look, Danuj," I said fiercely, "just because I reject your inappropriate gestures and just because I won't eat your face the way she did doesn't mean I'm prudish. If you can't understand it, just understand this: he engagement is off."

Danuj let out an inhumane laugh and sneered.

"My dear Uthra, our engagement was discreetly called off the day your daddy went bankrupt. You didn't know? Oh my, guess daddy didn't want his baby to get her tiny heart crushed. Poor, poor, little Uthra." How could someone change into this disgusting person in a span of a few months?

Ayisha cackled like a hyena beside him and I clenched my fists. Was he even the guy I grew up with? Was it all a lie? "My father engaged me to you because of your company. You were richer than us. But why marry you when you are potentially a beggar now? Well, I really used to like you, y'know. But let's just say that I like willing girls. But I still have a soft spot for you and I may even help you if you mind ente—"

I punched him.

A sickening crunch filled the night as Danuj howled back in pain. I didn't even bother to look at Ayisha as I punched his face again. "Entertain you? You're just seventeen. Maybe this immoral girl here would kiss your feet, but I'd be more than willing to kill you. Who do you think I am, Jeremy? Still the girl who cried for not naming a rabbit a nickname? You changed and so did I. Show your pathetic face to me ever again and I can assure you that you won't be able to see daylight again," I said and started walking.

But I was painfully yanked back by my hair.

"You think I'd let you go after you punched me?" Danuj spat.

I heaved an exasperated sigh as I gripped his hands and peeled his fingers off my hair. Did this senseless boy forget my knowledge of martial arts?

It was tough--he was a strong guy--but the anger in my veins made me even stronger than I already was. His other hand shot up but before it could hit me, I dodged. I kneed him where it would hurt him the most. Danuj howled as he doubled over in pain, clutching his groin. It made my heart clench when I saw my best friend like that, but I remembered his betrayal, and without my permission, my leg kicked his stomach. He fell down and I let out the last bit of my rage with yet another kick to his stomach. He groaned in pain and I turned aggressively toward Ayisha, who backed off.

I returned back to Danuj and, brushing off my inner conscience (which was urging me to nurse the traitor's wounds), I gave him a smirk. "Don't show your pathetic face to me again."

With that, I turned on my heels and stalked out of the alleyway. In my peripheral vision, I could see Ayisha scramble away without helping the pathetic scoundrel.

What if he's in so much pain that he passes out? Maybe I can go back and just check on hi—

NO!

I marched with my head high but after making it one block, the anger in me drained away and the agony I felt took over. I stumbled down onto the pavement, heaving hard. Yeah, I’d acted all high and mighty in front of my “friends,” but to be honest, my insides were screaming in pain.

I had known Danuj since I was seven and Ayisha since I was eleven. They... were my best friends. My family wasn't exactly close with my relatives since their marriage had been against their parents' wishes. So after my immediate family, I only had them. How could they do this to me? I love—loved them, and I’d thought they had reciprocated the feelings. How could all our time together, all the laughs, all the jokes be fake? How could the warm, sweet guy I’d loved be a liar? How had I never found out that beneath that sweet, caring facade was a cheating, vicious creature?

I sighed. My footsteps were sluggish and I kept stumbling. I didn't think I could walk to my dorm in my state. Luckily, there were a few auto-rickshaws around and I hailed one. I realized that Danuj still had my cell phone. I guess uncle has to deal with it after all. I told the driver my destination and leaned my head against the window as if it weighed a thousand pounds.

"You okay, kid?" The driver asked. His eyes seemed worried as they gazed at me via the rearview mirror.

I smiled weakly. "The dinner I ate made me queasy."

He nodded and started rambling about how all the eateries, from roadside stalls to big hotels, used things that are bad for people’s health just to improve the taste taste. I blocked what he was saying out but kept nodding and humming occasionally to imply that I was listening. When we reached the gates of the dorm, I paid the driver the fare and dragged my feet along the well-lit corridors to my room. All I wanted right now was to sleep. To just get lost in oblivion.

I walked in without knocking. Rohan was studying Chemistry. "You're late," he remarked as he glanced from his book. I did not reply as I went and sat on my bed.

"Did you eat dinner?" I did not look at him and bent my head down further. I was afraid to even open my mouth since I knew I was on the verge of breaking down.

I heard Rohan get up from his seat and a few seconds later, two feet entered my vision.

"Hey, are you alright?" Rohan asked, placing his hands on either side of my shoulders. "You... look pale, buddy. What happened?" His voice was soft and there was real concern colouring it.

I looked up only to nearly drown in two obsidian orbs which were filled with worry to their core.

"Rohan," I said, but all that came out was a broken breath. And that's when I started crying. Embarrassing, I know. But that's what I did. I cried. As if there was no tomorrow.

"He-y, buddy...?" Rohan breathed out. "What happened?" I did not move my hands, which were covering my face, and continued crying harder.

How long had I known this guy? Six months? And he was worried about me and there for me. How long have I known my “best friends”? Six to ten years? Yet they were the cause for my tears.

Suddenly I felt two big hands embrace me awkwardly. Rohan patted my back with even more awkwardness. "My mother always does this to me when I'm upset," he explained. I didn't reply as I snuggled into his arms. This wasn't anything like manliness. Heck, this wasn't even boyish. But screw it. I couldn't pretend anymore.

"You know, I'm always here, Uthra. I can lend you a shoulder to cry on. Or if you want to talk, I'm all ears. Just trust me, okay?" I nodded. How did his father ever think he was rude, moody, and a delinquent? How could he—

My internal speech was interrupted by Rohan's chest vibrating. I looked up to find him chuckling. "God, that was so corny, wasn't it?" He laughed and I couldn't help but give a chuckle. Could I love this guy any more?

We laughed a bit but soon my forlorn mood returned. "What happened, Uthra? Did the boy and girl you were with in the food court do something?" Rohan whispered.

I was infinitely sure that I was going to regret the decision I was about to make. But I wanted to let this off of my chest, and Rohan deserved to know the truth. After all, I was planning to tell him the truth in the future. So what was the loss anyway? I motioned for Rohan to come sit by my side. He came and sa,t but his right arm was still around my shoulders in a protective gesture. Seriously, what did I do to gain this amazing boy's friendship?

"Do you remember the time when we played 'I've never'?" I asked, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah... kinda." Rohan sounded unsure.

"Do you remember how I was in love with a Jeremy?"

"Yes, Jeremiah... Alice, right?"

I laughed, sounding downright humourless. "Right," I agreed sarcastically. "Well... today I saw with my very own eyes how the love of my life cheated on me with my best friend. The funny thing about that is? I loved them both, while they were just... there."

"Uthra—"

"Don't interrupt, Rohan. Otherwise I will never get the guts to tell this ever again. You deserve to know this, y'know..."

"Okay..." he whispered.

I took a deep breath.

Well, here goes nothing.

"Do you know how I joined here midyear? Well, my father had a construction company. It was successful and I was filthy rich. Long story short... because of some rival company's foul play and my father's pride, my father lost a huge contract, as well as all his money. We went bankrupt. We had nowhere to go.

“This school's owner, Vimal-uncle, is my father's best buddy. He offered to help but my father turned it down because... you know, pride and all. So uncle proposed a deal. A very strange one. I would join his school and become his partner's moody son's friend while my family would end up well-off and not having to worry about money. And I accepted it. I had to.

"But after coming here, I found that this moody boy wasn't anything like what they had portrayed. In fact, he has the most beautiful heart I've ever seen, and what started as a mere mission turned real. He became my best friend ever and I love him."

At the part where I mentioned the deal, Rohan's hands had frozen, but with all I had, I hoped he would wait and not be judgemental.

God, please help me.

"But the strangest part of the deal was that I had to disguise myself. This is an all boys school and if I wanted to gain this boy’s trust, the easiest way was to be his roommate. But— but how could I be his roommate when I'm a" —I laughed weakly— "girl...?"

There. I said it’d.

Let the storm begin.

Crushed hearts and storms.

"Ha ha, very funny bud," Rohan said, his voice shaky, "you totally got me for a moment."

"Rohan, do I look like I'm kidding?" I whispered.

Rohan tried to smile at me, but it came out as a grimace. "Who told you to prank me?" he asked. "Come out, guys," he called out, and I looked helplessly at him. "You got me. You win," Rohan said and laughed. It was high-pitched and artificial.

God...

"Rohan?" I said in my voice. My real voice, the feminine one, and he visibly cringed at it.

"What did you say...?" Rohan's voice sounded so weak and the sight of his face crushed my heart.

I'm so stupid. Stupid Uthra. Stupid, stupid Uthra!

I took a breath and started from the beginning, but Rohan interrupted me. "No, I get that. What were you--" he stopped a took a deep breath "--what did you mean by… disguise?"

"I'm a girl, Rohan," I stated. Black met black but those black eyes weren't the eyes I loved. They were just black dots. Slowly, Rohan's eyes dropped down. Then they looked up at me and then down again. Then up, then down. He did it for at least five times.

"So, you lied." It wasn't a question. Just a statement.

"Yes."

"This was all pre-planned?"

"No--" I started to explain, but he interrupted me by raising his hand, palm facing me, and the words died in my mouth just like that.

"I wasn't asking for an explanation." His voice was deadly cold. "Yes or no?"

Rohan's not judgmental...

Guess he is.

"Yes."

Why is it suddenly cold?

Why am I shivering?

I waited for him to tell something. One minute. Two minutes. Ten minutes... Nothing came out.

"Hrithik-anna knows," I whispered it as if it was going to save me. But my hope crumbled when I saw the hurt and disgust in his eyes.

"Hrithik knows," he said through gritted teeth. "That freaking bastard knows and I don't?! Wow, this is what friendship is?"

"Rohan, I told him because I had to! Not because I wanted to. If I hadn't told you this now, you wouldn't even know that I was a damn girl!"

"Oh, what a sacrifice," he said sarcastically. "When did you two become that buddy-buddy?"

I sighed. God, I'm tired.

"Why do you hate him so much?" I whispered.

"Why do you care?" he barked and I scowled.

What was Rohan's problem? Where was the kind guy I knew? "Maybe because he cared for me, unlike a certain someone?" I yelled and then remembered that we were in the dorm and lowered my voice.

"Oh, so now I'm the bad guy? I don't care? Right." Rohan sounded so bitter but his face held zero emotion. The stoic mask was back on. But this time, it was impenetrable.

"Why are you taking it so badly? Hrithik-anna isn't the problem here. Why are we fighting about him? Roha-"

"Don't you dare say my name," Rohan, for the first time since the fight had started, whispered.

My voice died and I looked at him, eyes wide. "Wha-what?"

"Don’t you dare try to see me ever again."

And with that, he was gone. Not even the sound of footsteps, the sound a door slamming, the sound of Rohit asking Rohan what the hell was going on, pulled me from my state of mind as I stared into nothingness, my eyes still wide and burning.

Don't you dare try to see me ever again.

Why are you so sad, Uthra? This was bound to happen one day or another. You were prepared, remember?

I was prepared.

But it didn't hurt any less.

*

*

*

One day later...

Rohan transferred his bed and things to Rohit's room. So yeah, some of his things were still in the room. But... he had officially moved out.

Two days later...

With my tray in my hand, my legs automatically took me to our table in the mess hall. But when Rohan saw me, he took his tray and left.

I ate on the playground. All alone.

Three days later...

Maybe sitting beside me felt like floating near the sun for Rohan. Because he switched seats with Ryan.

Four days later...

Hrithik-anna came to our--my room and asked “what the eff was going on.”

I told him everything. But instead of helping me, he confused me further.

He said, "Do you see, Uthra? You were only angry at your fiancé when you came to know about him cheating you. But look at you, it's been only a few days since Rohan stopped talking to you and you look like a complete mess. I wonder who you actually love."

I had only stared back at him until he ruffled my hair and was gone.

Maybe Hrithik-anna was right. Maybe it was Rohan I was in love with.

Five days later...

Rohan changed his usual dinner timing. We used to be some of the first people to enter the dinner hall, but he started coming really late to, obviously, avoid me. But the dinner was over by then, according to Hrithik-anna. I wanted him to eat well. So I did the natural thing.

I stopped going to the mess hall.

Six days later...

I hadn't seen Rohan other than at school, and only his back. I missed his black eyes. I wanted to melt in those obsidian oceans like before but I guess it was too much to ask.

Seven days later...

My throat felt scratchy and my voice came out hoarse even without me even trying. Guess I caught a cold.

Eight days later...

It hurt so much to wake up daily beside a barren bed. Rohan and I didn't make any crazy memories in this room. But still, the simple memories of him and me doing homework together, talking as we laid on our respective beds in the dark, waking him with a bucket of water too often, and the small silly chuckles we shared with our momentary lame jokes, was too much.

It still hurt.

I wondered why I hadn't transferred schools, since the reason I’d stayed was pushing me away.

Nine days later...

I felt tired. I hadn't really slept well and the cold wasn't doing me much good. I kept coughing all day in class. But at the end of the day, when we were all leaving, Rohan's eyes met mine.

His look was stoic. I couldn't read anything in it, unlike how I could read him in the past when we were practically strangers. But... I was happy. At least I got to see his eyes after so long.

Today...

I fainted in class.

Maybe it was the cold or my empty stomach that caused me to faint, but I fainted nonetheless. And even though I regained my consciousness the next moment, the teacher asked me to rest since I, if I exactly quote him, look like “the ugliest zombie ever.” And I bet after hearing his words you figured out who the teacher was. Yep, you guessed it right. It was Snape's doppelganger.

So Ryan, being an awesome class rep, went to the office, got me a permission slip, and offered to help me to my room. I declined. Taking the slip in my hand, I thanked Ryan and staggered towards our dorm, which was unfortunately far away from my classroom.

I just hoped Snape's doppelganger didn't report this to Uncle. When I reached my room, the sight of the bed felt like heaven on earth.

Giving a watery smile, I fell face forward onto the bed, with my shoes still on.

I’ll remove them after a good day's sleep.

*

*

*

I stirred in my sleep after feeling something warm brushing my forehead.

Amma?

Nope, it's not possible.

I tried falling back asleep but a c,reepy sense of someone watching me made me unwillingly open my eyes.

It was blurry. It was so blurry that all I could see was two foggy black drops, but those were two beautiful eyes I would recognise anywhere, blurry vision or not. Heck, I'd recognise them even if I was blind!

I blinked once. It was still blurry. I blinked again and this time, Rohan's not-so-beautiful-yet-beautiful-to-me face came into my vision. He smiled at me.

He smiled at me.

He smiled at me?

HOLY GRILLED CAPRESE NAAN PIZZA WITH EXTRA CHEESE! DID ROHAN CHAKRAVATHY JUST SMILE AT ME?!

Guess I died of severe cold and starvation.

Maybe this was heaven. Oh, right, maybe that's why everything is foggy.

Wow, heaven offers this kind of stuff? Thank you God, who took this sinful creature to heaven and showed her an awesome Rohan hologram.

Hologram Rohan chuckled.

God, it even sounds like the original one.

"Uthra, this isn't heaven and I'm not a hologram," Rohan's trademark deep, yet mellow voice said, and I frowned.

Can holograms talk? This one can read my mind. Maybe heaven holograms are hybrids. Or mayb—

"OW!" I shouted, rubbing my forehead.

The pain subdued after five seconds or something like that, but even though my forehead had been flicked countless times by a certain someone, it still hurt. But that's when I noticed the familiar roof and the familiar things.

Oh... so I was still here. So why—why the hell was he (you know, someone-who-shall-not-be-named) here?!

"Because I was worried," Rohan said and I frowned.

"When did you start reading minds?" I asked suspiciously but then, I mentally facepalmed.

Seriously, Uthra? You talk to him after 10 days and this is what you can ask? Wow, I'm ashamed to say that you are me.

Rohan gave his infamous chuckle and I couldn't help but melt a little.

Ew, love-struck Uthra is gross.

"What are you chuckling at?" I barked, annoyed, but then when I saw the mischievous grin on his face, it struck me.

"Oh my god, did I say that all out loud?!"

Rohan burst out laughing. "Ding, ding, ding. A hundred points to Gryffindor!"

I rolled my eyes.

Rohan's laughter quieted and he stretched his hands towards me. I looked up, to look at those black eyes and boy, the longing washed over me like a freaking tsunami.

How I’d missed looking at these eyes. How I’d missed the familiar glints in them. And just by looking at them, I knew. So I did the obvious thing. I placed my hands on his and he pulled me up from my bed. Once I was in a sitting position, though I didn't want to let go of his hands, I dropped them. It was just too weird, you know?

Rohan came and sat near me, a good foot of space between us, but it wasn't nothing new. He’d always maintained his space. We were both silent and I didn't know what was going on his mind. The atmosphere in the room wasn't palpable tension, yet it wasn't glistening sun and sparkles. It was just... the kind of silence that was waiting to be filled.

Okay. Time to fill it.

"So..." I started, "you came back."

"Yes."

"Just like that?" I asked, glancing back at him, but his eyes were trained on the wall in front of us.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't stay away."

"Right."

And once again the silence stretched.

"I talked to Hrithik."

"Okay..." I didn't know how else to reply.

"And... we talked."

"Well, no shit, Sherlock," I muttered sarcastically and Rohan laughed lightly.

"You must be thinking that I'm a first-class douche."

"Nah," I said, shrugging. I felt Rohan glance at me and a cheeky grin grew up on my face. "I think that you're a platinum-class douche."

This time Rohan burst out laughing. "Glad you're still the same."

I shrugged again. And, the silence was back.

"I want to punch you, you know," I said suddenly.

Rohan chuckled and puffed out his chest a little.

"Go ahead—" I raised my arm "—but I'll punch you back." I dropped my hand and this time Rohan doubled over laughing.

"Jeez Uthra, I was joking. Look at your face, idiot!" I didn't reply as I kept staring at the wall. It was nice to talk like nothing changed but I seriously needed some kind of closure. I needed an explanation.

And I guess Rohan understood that. Because I heard him take a deep breath.

"So like I was saying," he started, "I talked to Hrithik. It was absolutely rude of me to tell such..." — Rohan winced — "rude things to you especially when you trusted me enough to tell me such a huge secret."

"Yeah, it was," I agreed and Rohan's face fell, "but... it's alright. It was the most natural reaction anyway." I smiled at him and he gave back a watery smile.

"When I heard you say... all that stuff, I felt overwhelmed, even frustrated. It felt like I was suffocating and at that moment all I wanted was to do escape it. So I did just that. I moved out."

I nodded and gestured for him to continue. "At first I was angry. Then bitter. Then confused. Then... then I felt guilty. Then ashamed. I didn't know how I could come and just talk to you after all those days. But I sucked it all up cause I wanted my best friend back. So... here I am.

"And Hrithik told that you'll be... leaving after this year and there isn't much time. And I—heck, I just want my time with you to be well spent instead of in a stupid fight. Okay, yeah, it was for your family that you came here. But you stayed here for me. Now it's my turn to make it up to you. And I'll start that by accepting you for who you actually are."

I looked at him and Rohan looked so... vulnerable and scared. And I knew what my reaction was.

"Your best friend never went away for you to get her back."

Rohan laughed in disbelief. "You didn't just insinuate—"

"I just did."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Are we quoting The Fault in Our Stars?"

"Maybe."

"Okay."

"Okay." We still had so much to talk through, but at that moment, as I sat beside Rohan in comfortable silence, only one thing was in my mind: a quote by Kasie West.

“Because you know everything is going to be okay. This is like the calm after the storm. Everything has settled, and even though it left destruction in its wake, you know the worst is over.”