Chapter 43 SCARED TO ADMIT THAT KIMBERLY SLOANE IS MORE THAN JUST A RESPONSIBILITY.
43.
~RAFAEL~
Kimberly disarms me. In every way possible, she does. And it makes me more comfortable with her. I've always hated the idea of having someone around me, because people are very curious about everything, and I hate talking about myself.
But she never pushed it, despite the fact that the same person gave us trauma I'm not sure if we will be able to get over it.
Kim knew I couldn't continue talking anymore, and when she hugged me, I let down the high walls I managed to build around myself after my mom died, it undid everything in me. I sobbed so hard. so hard that it made me feel a little bit relieved.
I loved the idea of talking about everything with her, my day, work, the deals and even things she has no idea of, and how she's always attentive, the constant nods, crinkles of her beautiful and soft looking eyes, I wondered if I could have this if I let everyone else into my life but it's so hard, so hard.
Because I let Norman in, and he ruined every iota of trust I had in him.
It makes me angry, that he was able to know my darkest secret, even the ones I didn't tell anyone. Or about my second attempt.
But I think I'm more comfortable talking with people who had similar traumas with me, just like Rowan and Cora.
Cora, she's like the elder friend I never knew I needed, we talk almost every time, and she doesn't push to know anything about Kim, I wonder how she was able to let herself loosen up around me despite the fact that I'm her oppressor's son, she's been in a very good mood these days, school is going well and she's always anticipating her therapy sessions which surprises me because I always dread it a lot and it almost make me want to believe I could live that life someday.
Where I'm no longer scared of talking to a professional because of the fear of losing everything I've worked for.
But, is it worth getting scared of? Because the money I've acquired is enough to fend for my next twenty generation without them lifting a single finger, or the fulfillment I get from making donations to the suicide prevention groups but wasn't able to make an appearance because I was scared.
Cora and I have been in talks to fly her in for her 29th birthday but she prefers solitude which I really agree too, I understand that she's trying to get away from all the chaos.
Soon enough, the food is done, Kim offers to dish it and I let her.
I watch her dainty hands which pressed my cock in her not up to fifteen hours ago, handle the lad, I almost let out a loud sigh of frustration because I shouldn't have these thoughts around her. I've made up my mind not to cross that line for now, I want to be more comfortable around her without thinking about sleeping with her for clarity which is almost impossible.
"All done!" She claps her hands, giggling to herself, her hands pressed against her chest as she stares at the chicken meal I prepared for myself while she gets the premium beef paired with her favorite type of rice, Brown rice.
"Anyone who walked in would have thought you made the food yourself." I tease, humping her with my shoulders.
The ability to do something as casual as this with Kimberly still unsettles me, and it still scares me, so much that it kills me. Because I shouldn't get more attached to her.
She's not gotten over what she went through with my father yet, sometimes, she'd flinch to non existent things and stare into space with a frown on her face. If we're going to do anything, it should be with a clear head.
"I defrosted the chicken and prepared the pots to use." She answers proudly, folding her arms under her boobs which is confined behind the big top draped over her shorts.
"Yeah." I simply mutter, pouring her a glass of juice. We both settle down to start eating.
"You know, I've always thought the reason people have depression was due to monetary issues." I scoff, staring into my food, not daring to look up to her so I won't break again.
I've had enough today.
"I don't think so. I think making money is easier than fighting the demons in your head." She runs distant circles around her head in a demonstration and I nod, quite surprised that someone like her who never had any opportunity to make a hundred dollar for herself thinks that way but I'm glad Kimberly didn't trivialize my point. She never does.
"So when I finally had the opportunity to make money, I worked so hard, Kim. There are weeks I didn't get to have four hours of sleep because I didn't want to think about another suicide again so I continued working, but after I got myself established with Rowan, I became more depressed." I shrug, trying to defuse the intense situation I'd already created with my boring pep talks.
"Rafael, I want to ask a question." Kim clears her throat uncomfortably and drops her fork down the plate.
She kneads her palms against her knees under the table and a frown latches on her face.
"Shoot." I say nervously, hoping she won't ask me questions that relate to her because I don't want to lie, and I'm scared of saying the truth.
"Do you still have those thoughts? I know you're still probably depressed but do those thoughts still come to your mind?" She asks in a careful tone.
Instinctively, I run fingers on my slit skin of my wrists that have healed over and over again because of my addiction to knives.
Because I stopped having those thoughts and I'm scared of admitting that it's because of her, I still have so much work to do about myself and it has to be a solo thing. But how do I explain myself that ever since Kim walked into this house, right when she held my hand into Rita Williams party, the look she gave me on the hospital bed, it makes me feel responsible for her. And I'm more scared to admit that it's not only responsibility but something deeper so I just nod because it's too dangerous to admit that I'm in a better place because of Kim, because it might all be a fleeting moment, that a day will come and she will use my weakness against me so i nod again. Three times and try to offer a careless smile.
"Yeah, but don't worry, I won't do it while you're still married to me." I swallow down nothing, knowing that what I thought about is true, this arrangement will end soon and Kim will be gone before I can mourn it.
And it fucking unnerves me.
Sorry for the delay!
I'm back nowwww.