Chapter 89 Punishing myself
I didn't deserve a morsel of food.
I didn't deserve anything good, I knew that and that's why I didn't want to eat anything that had been brought to my room in the last two days. It'd been ringing in my head non-stop that I didn't deserve the comfort I was being offered here as a prisoner, I wasn't here to be fed or given a comfortable bed to rest my head on, I was here to be taken revenge on and I truly wished he'd get on with it already before the guilt I felt ate me up inside out.
When would he finally torture me as he'd kept threatening to? I impatiently wondered. Instead, he'd just been here ordering me to eat as though I was going on a hunger strike to protest being kidnapped, little did he know that I was simply punishing myself for being a bitch to him. But I knew that I couldn't tell him that, I wasn't seeking pity or sympathy from him, I just needed him to level the playing ground by exacting his revenge on me for my betrayal so that we'd finally be even in a way.
He looked so angry when I kept refusing to eat no matter how many times he'd asked but I also felt like he'd been trying hard to cover up the fact that his insistence might've stemmed from the fact that he was worried about me. Despite my exhaustion and how overwhelmed I'd been from the whole back and forth concerning eating my meals, the sudden realization that he might've possibly been worried about me encouraged me to eat as he'd commanded me to.
I also didn't want to fight him, I wasn't here to go against his wishes or make things any harder for him than I already and if I kept going back and forth with him, it would completely ruin what I was trying to achieve by completely surrendering without a fight when he kidnapped me a few days back. I was weak physically and mentally, but emotionally I was strengthened by the need to give Axel some sort of solace by letting him get revenge, there wasn't much to live that interested me anymore so that was my sole driving force at this point.
While I ate I noticed that he'd been staring at me, it was almost like he was looking through me after a while. Even when I looked up at him, he didn't notice that I was staring back at him because his gaze didn't shit and neither did his expression. It was as though he was looking through me or past me at something else that I couldn't figure out. It seemed like he was only physically present in the room at that point, but mentally, he was somewhere else.
He looked like he was in turmoil based on whatever he was thinking about and how it made him feel, I wished so badly that I could calm his wandering mind and soothe the turmoil he'd been feeling. I noticed how his features softened as well, he no longer looked like the man that'd been raging with fury while speaking to me earlier and that made it a bit easier to look at him without guilt stabbing my heart relentlessly.
I looked away from him and kept eating instead, it somehow became so hard to swallow each spoon of my meal but struggling to eat was far better than looking at him, and while I knew that I was most likely the reason why he was experiencing turmoil as he stood inches away from me. I tried to fill my head with anything other than Axel while I gobbled up my meal but it seemed impossible to think of anything else, my heart was fixed on him and I had no idea how to avert my thoughts to dwell on anything else.
After a while, I'd finally finished eating and I heard his shoes brush the floor as he moved to lean against the wall better. I knew then that he'd finally gone past whatever emotional threshold he'd been holed up in for the last few minutes when he'd been staring blankly through me. I still didn't raise my head to face him, instead, I was hoping he'd leave the room since I'd eaten my meal as he asked me to. Wasn't that why he'd been policing me like I'd stop eating the moment he left the room?
But instead of leaving, he spoke and I froze in the spot where I sat on the bed the moment the words left his lips.
"Were any of those moments real?" He'd asked softly which caused me to tense up, my brain had stopped working and I felt as though I was in a trance.
What had caused me to tense up immediately he asked was the fact that every single beautiful moment we'd shared that I'd locked away because I didn't want to feel good about anything had come rushing back wickedly. My heart felt as though it would burst because I knew that as much as those moments meant the world to me and were easily the happiest moments of my entire life, I couldn't share that with him after I'd betrayed his trust.
"No, they weren't." My gaze was directed at anything but he, and my head was down as I replied to him. I was surprised I'd even been able to gather myself together quickly after the shock I felt when he asked me the question.
"That won't do Lisa. Look me in the eyes when you answer my question, that's not too much to ask for from you, or is it?" He asked again, I didn't know what he sought to gain by coercing me to look him in the eyes while I answered him but deep down I knew that my eyes would fail me horribly if I attempted to do what he'd just asked of me.
I kept my head down as though I didn't hear what he'd said, my heart was thundering in my chest and my hands felt sweaty as fuck as I imagined locking eyes with him and denying that everything we ever shared didn't matter to me one bit. I'd had tougher days in my life but this was proving to be one of the toughest ever, nothing could've prepared me for the question he'd just asked me and I didn't have what it took to confidently lie about it to his face, it was all too much. How could he put me on the spot like this? My mind spiraled beyond my control as I stared blankly at the sheets that covered the bed I sat on.
"Answer me this moment, and look me in the eyes when you do. That's a direct order from your superior under these circumstances" He'd raised his voice slightly this time around and I knew that I was slowly getting on his nerves by ignoring him.
"Again, were any of those moments we shared together real?" His voice had an uncertainty in it that I recognized all too well. He was likely eager to ask the question but he was scared that the reply wouldn't be what he expected. And he was completely right to harbor feelings of uncertainty because I wouldn't attest to the fact that those memories were my reason for living.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I needed to stay calm and show him no emotions that would prove that I still deeply cared for him. I'd betrayed him once, but this time I wouldn't take away his right to seek vengeance against me by showing him that I still cared for him. With that in mind, I finally looked up at him and responded boldly.
"And again, no. None of those memories we shared were real." I answered and watched his expression remain neutral, he didn't flinch at my response and truthfully he seemed more unaffected than I'd expected. In a way, that stung my heart but I knew I didn't deserve to get a reaction from him, so I didn't let you know my expression faltered as well.
"You should've never trusted me because I clearly told you that seduction was my forte when we met. You knew that I was a trained professional that used seduction as a tool to lure my victims before getting rid of them, but you let yourself be vulnerable with me despite that - and that's on you" As every word left my lips it chipped away at pieces of my heart, I didn't enjoy being cruel to him but I had to protect from myself.
I was a disaster waiting to happen at every point, I'd fucked him up once and I didn't want to do that to him again so I used hurtful words to push him away even further and I'm certain that that helped to fuel his hatred towards me.
Most importantly, as I looked closely at him after I'd finished talking I noticed that his expression stayed neutral no matter what. I searched his eyes for any emotions that would signal hurt or at least some sort of shock based on my response, but there was nothing in his eyes or on his facial features that betrayed him. He seemed to have put up an emotional shield against me that wouldn't let me hurt him any further, and for his sake, that was probably the best thing he could've done in a situation like this.
"Then why did you keep me alive when you've never in your life spared any of your victims?" He asked calmly in a low tone and I couldn't come up with a tangible response that would prove that I truly
didn't give a fuck about him, but I knew that I had to respond quickly.
"Oh-well, That's not- uhm. That's not the point, it-"
Axel shook his head, swiftly turned around, and left the room in a flash.
Fuck, my brain had failed me.