Chapter 85 Two days of hell
LISA
Everything hurt, so bad.
My heart, every joint in my body, and everything that made up my entire being. At this point, I felt like I was barely holding on to my will to live and I wasn't even fighting back all of the depressing feelings that had flooded my mind for the past few days.
I could never ever forgive myself for betraying Axel and insulting his ego by confronting him like he didn't mean anything to me. As his wounded face flashed through my mind's eye, I punched my pillow weakly and fell back into my bed with my face facing the sheets. I had hated every second of my life from the minute I saw how much Axel was in pain and it only got worse by the day. It had already been two days since I'd sabotaged his mission but life had only kept getting more and more miserable for me, doing anything was a chore and I couldn't stop beating myself up for how everything had played out. I hadn't gotten a blink of sleep for two nights and anyone could see that I looked like hell, every day seemed to go by like a blur and nothing mattered to me anymore.
I felt like a fuck-up, it seemed like I was an expert at ruining every good thing that ever showed up in my life. Axel didn't deserve how cold I'd been towards him when he had shown me nothing but love and care all the while we'd been together.
My eyes were puffy from how much I'd been crying and my hair was a mess from being dragged in frustration by me every now and then. I had been wearing pajama bottoms and old big T-shirts as though I was mourning a death. But in a way, I was the death of the only true love I'd ever had.
The only memory of Axel I deserved to keep was the one of how I'd ridiculed him while he lay helplessly with blood dripping from his face. After everything I'd done, I didn't deserve the memories of Axel where he was happy, free-spirited, vulnerable, sensual, or affectionate towards me, I didn't deserve to relive those memories and feel joy or longing for him, all I deserved was to wallow bitterly in the knowledge that I had lost the one man that would ever love me unconditionally in this lifetime or the next.
I'd practically stopped living because life made no meaning to me at this point, the one thing that gave me a new purpose had been torn to the ground and it was irreversible. What was even worse is that I had a hand in everything, I had made a conscious decision to betray Axel and I followed through with it to the very end despite knowing how badly he'd be hurt by it.
My entire body was weak because I'd barely eaten anything except a bag of chips, I was also dehydrated because I hated the thought of deriving satisfaction from eating or drinking. I didn't deserve any of it so I was only consuming whatever was at arm's reach for the sake of sustenance. I needed to stay alive until Axel had rightfully gotten his revenge, or else life didn't have anything worthwhile to look forward to.
I couldn't stop thinking about all the lies I'd told Axel while staring him dead in the eyes, the hurt I saw in his eyes made me want to drop the act and pull him into my arms but I knew I'd gotten too far to turn my back on my mission at that point. He looked so weak and shocked, I wish I could've somehow told him how sorry I was and how much he meant to me despite everything that had
conspired.
But deep down I knew that I would never have to chance to talk to him again after how I'd crushed his heart in my palms like I didn't give a fuck. I held up the entire act so well because I needed him to believe every single thing that was happening, that way he wouldn't make excuses for me later on and forgive me after all the shit I'd pulled. I knew that if I succeeded in making him hate me, then I wouldn't stand a chance at being forgiven, and for his sake, I hoped he never leaned towards forgiving someone like me who had betrayed him in a heartbeat.
My family had forced me into spearheading the mission despite how much I'd already done for them. How could they have been so cruel to me knowing that I loved Axel so dearly? They treated me like a puppet with no feelings and pushed me toward doing them well even if it meant I'd be hurt and torn apart afterward.
Even now, as I'd been depressed and disconnected from the rest of the world for days, they never bothered to check on me.
The entire scene that led me even deeper into the mess that was "betraying Axel" replayed in my head and I wished I'd stood my ground rather than gone through with it.
"Your real mission starts here" A sinister smile spread across my father's face and I knew things were really about to get fucked up.
I froze where I stood as the words left his lips and muttered "fuck my life" lowly because I had really had enough of their controlling shit, what did they want from me this time around?
I took my hand off the door handle and turned around to face my father and angel with a look of immense confusion plastered across all my features. They looked very comfortable where they were seated and an unusual look of determination was visible on my father's face which equally made me wonder what eBay they'd planned for me.
"What do you even mean by that? I've done my part, I got you all the information you needed and I'm washing my hands off the rest of this God-forsaken operation." I had my arms akimbo as I stared back at them, an anger as a result of their audacity had begun stirring inside me slowly as I waited for a reasonable response.
"From the airtight security and the quantity of the shipment, you should know that this is an important high-profile operation from now henceforth. Because it's on a large scale, we'll be needing all hands on deck, and as our most powerful person, you'll have to be the one that leads the mission" Angel spoke before my father could muster a response, she sounded fucking insane for asking me to head the operation, they were all self-centered pricks and didn't give a fuck about how any of it would affect me.
"That's never fucking happening? Do you even hear yourself? There's no way I'm going that far, have you not done enough? You can't be fucking serious right now, I would never lead a mission to attack Axel, No way!" I laughed with my head thrown back as I flared up angrily, my laughter was directed at how unbelievable what they were making of me was, it had to be a damn joke. "Don't you think it's too late to be acting like a saint, miss? You've already betrayed whatever love you claim exists between you both by recording the details of his meeting and bringing it to us, so what's this act for? You might as well see the mission to the end instead of being whiny and pretentious about it" Angel replied calmly as though my anger and refusal had absolutely no effect on her, she seemed fixated on having me lead the rest of their screwed-up mission and it only got me angrier.
"No shit, I did that, yeah? But you all ganged up on me and forced me to get information on him and breathe down my neck every second, so how on earth could I have gotten away with saying No to that? But this that you're asking of me? No fucking way! I could never go out there and lead an attack on the man I love, you sound crazy ask-" My cheeks stung like crazy as a huge slap landed forcefully on my face while I was mid-sentence, I immediately moved my hands to hold my cheek and rubbed it to soothe the pain it had been inflicted with.
As I held my cheek, I turned to face my father who had just slapped me and at that moment a hate I didn't recognize I held for him stirred in my heart and I looked at him straight in the face angrily. How could he dare to put his hands on me like that? He acted like a freaking psychopath who had run loose.
"If you want to remain a member of this family, you'll lead that mission as we've asked of you, I don't want to hear another peep out of you about loving that asshole starting now." My father said point blankly and without any remorse in his eyes that he'd just slapped me without restraint.
For nights I stayed awake pondering on what to do after my family had given me those options; lead the mission against Axel and be turned away by the family completely. None of these designs. appealed to me in the slightest bit, but I needed to pick which of them was the lesser evil so that I could get on with it.
It was emotionally draining to have spent every waking moment deciding if I was going to further hurt Axel or disobey my family's orders. But eventually, I had decided to go with my family's wishes as I'd done before. I had already dug the grave where I and Axel's relationship would be buried so I might as well shove the coffin and close it up.
Besides, no matter how dysfunctional my family was, they were the only thing I had left after having betrayed Axel by handing over the recording to them. I knew I would be hurt beyond a reasonable doubt if I led the mission and had to watch Axel in pain, but I decided to just get it over with once and for all.
At least, he deserved to know who ruined the mission when it eventually got sabotaged, I couldn't have hidden that from him after he got attacked by family, whether I was present at the mission or
not.
I couldn't bear the thought of killing Axel despite how my men had protested against me sparing him, but I knew I would regret my decision soon enough. Knowing Axel, it was more than certain that he would come for me and I would be punished for betraying him, and in my own twisted way, I was sure that I deserved it no matter how gruesome his revenge might turn out to be.
As if the universe was in tune with my thoughts, my window opened that very moment and a masked man jumped in and landed on his feet securely. Even in a mask and an all-black overall, I knew that the masked man that had entered my room was Axel from his unique build and his familiar scent.
No divinity above or under the earth needed to spell out the reason why he'd come here for me, I knew that he'd come to punish me.