Chapter 75 It's my family
LISA
The past few days had been uneventful and underwhelming for me.
It was filled with me battling the thoughts of choosing between my family and Axel which didn't get easier as the days went by. I was slowly being drawn up into a shell of my own, one where I was constantly contemplating how to get out of this mess without hurting any of the people I loved and held dear to my heart.
Well, today I decided that I wasn't going to sulk aimlessly, especially since Axel and I had planned to meet up after my last lecture of the morning at the school park.
It was no secret that even emotional turmoil like what I'd been feeling recently was bound to feel much lighter and inconsequential when I got to spend some quality time with Axel and I was sure today wouldn't be any different and in a way, that gave me hope to get through my morning lectures since I had something worth looking forward to after they'd ended.
The professor prepared to leave the class after assigning topics to look out for in the upcoming quiz, and I jotted absentmindedly.
As soon as the lecture was rounded up and he'd left, I bolted out of the door and made my way toward the school's park.
The walk to the park was quiet since most students that had morning lectures usually retired to the hostels as soon as they were over rather than lurking around the school's premises. I was grateful for the silence that gifted me as I strolled, because my mind was a mess, now more than ever because I'd hoped to calm my nerves and racing thoughts before I met Axel to avoid him catching wind of my situation.
As soon as I reached the park, I saw an empty bench that rested on a huge and beautiful maple tree in the center, and in a way, I could swear that it was calling to me.
I walked towards it and made myself comfortable. I leaned against the back of the bench and slightly slumped into the bench to relax completely while I waited for Axel.
He'd mentioned that he had a quick zoom meeting this morning and I'm sure he must've rounded up a little later than when I finished my classes but I was assured that he'd be with me soon since the drive from his house to school was less than an hour without traffic.
I stared at the tree branches while I waited for Axel and slowly my mind wandered to the same recurring thoughts that had been plaguing me for days.
My mind was particularly focused on the conversation I had with Angel a few days ago where my ego was crushed and every fragment of my being hurt because of how unbelievably disrespectful and unhelpful she'd been to me despite knowing how desperate I was.
Desperation sure as hell didn't look good on anyone, but I should've been able to bare my soul and be desperate with my family especially since they were the ones that put me in an impossible situation that I detested with my entire being.
I knew Angel had guts and hardly ever gave a fuck about others, but knowing that she also had a soul that was void of compassion, even for her family members fucked me up and pissed me off in ways I didn't know how to possibly express.
My heart had been unbelievably heavy for days and it hurt so much that it didn't look as though it would get any lighter anytime soon since my family was hell-bent on making me betray Axel to get their hands on the shipment he'd been expecting.
While my conversation with Angel was terrible and pointless at the end of it all, the conversation I had with my dad, later on, was even worse and nothing on earth could've prepared me for it. After Angel declined my request to call things off, I was enraged and I decided to go home and confront my dad after the meeting with her.
I thought that it couldn't get any worse than what ensued between me and Angel, but I was met with a harsher reception than I got from her, and because he was my father, it hurt me to my very bone that he'd treat me with such disregard no matter how much I tried to prove my points to him.
In no time, the unwanted memories of the horrible and unfruitful conversation I had with my dad came flooding back and I shut my eyes briefly as they hit me without warning.
"You're a failure, a disgrace to this family, and a shameless little whore, nothing more! The sight of you irritates me after what you've done so how dare you ask me to call off hijacking the Ivanovs' shipment?" My father raised his voice at me and threw insults at me that made my heart squeeze in disbelief, how could he not hear himself?
He was being so inappropriate and I was fucking pissed.
"I'm not doing it! I can't betray Axel because I love him, why don't you understand that?" I raised my voice at him but I was careful to not throw insults back at him despite being so angry at how he dared to address me like I meant nothing.
"I expected so much better from you! I mean, you could've been anything else but instead, you decided to become a common whore to our family's rival? How dare you make it seem rational? Love? You have no idea what love is!" He seemed to have somehow made his voice louder and it was obnoxious and infuriating just like every word that left his lips, I was convinced that he didn't think or process his thoughts before speaking.
"I do, what I feel for Axel is love and it's real" I retorted immediately as the anger that I felt somehow grew more and more as I heard him spit rubbish, he was being so impossible to reason with and I was terribly stressed out.
"I knew you'd not listen, I guess apples don't fall far from their trees and your behavior concerning siding with the enemy confirms it," He said, his voice was a little lower this time but his statement confused me greatly, I couldn't for the life of me understand what he'd meant this time around.
"What do you mean by that?!" I asked, even though I didn't trust that he'd give me a reasonable or satisfactory reply anyways.
"If you ever want me to see you as worthy in my eyes again, you better pull off this mission and help us get information to hijack the shipment Axel is expecting. For the first time ever, put your pussy to good use and get all the details regarding the operation out of Axel by any means necessary, I don't care what you do" He uttered abusive words that irritated me to my very core as they left his lips. He had the right to be angry but he sure as hell had no right to speak to me in the manner that he just did, what the actual fuck?
I mean, how you'd know that he was my father was that I was just as hard-headed as he was and my anger could be easily triggered, so I understood that his anger could cause him to overreact and blow up unnecessarily. But what I'd never come to terms with is how his anger made him insult me without thinking but I always tried to keep my anger under control even in those instances.
I hated how much the entire situation had spiraled in less than a week and I happened to be at the receiving end of all the insults, disrespect, anger, manipulation, and anxiety. I'd been absent-minded several times while I was in the hostel or even during important lectures and I just needed everything to be over as soon as possible.
It felt as though my family only loved and respected me when I was of use to them, otherwise, they'd treat me like garbage until I did their bidding. For the first time in my life, I'd found someone that loved me unconditionally, trusted me with his life, adored me, protected me without a second thought, and treated me with the utmost respect, and they wanted to fucking ruin it.
As angry and dejected as I felt at this moment, I still hoped in a way that might seem delusional that they would come to their senses and understand my plight, and maybe then they would see a reason to reconcile with the Ivanovs instead of dragging on this rivalry. But deep down, I knew I was simply being delusional, especially after the way they'd acted towards me in the past few days when I tried to reason with them about calling off the mission.
I could feel my head spinning with uncertainty when I suddenly felt a hand tap my shoulder and bring me back to reality. I was briefly startled before I regained myself fully and instantly thought of a defensive tactic to dish out to whoever dared to pull me out of my deep thoughts..
I grabbed the person's arm in a swift moment that he or she would've never been able to predict but as I turned over to painfully twist the person's arm to teach them a lesson, I noticed that it was Axel that'd been hovering over me.
He had a deeply concerned look covering his features instead of fear or alarm from almost being dangerously tackled by me and I wondered why that was his initial reaction in such a scenario. I watched him walk over to the seat beside me with a concerned look and that further confused me.
"Red, are you okay?" He asked in a low and caring tone that made me guess that he must've been watching me for a while before he tapped me to get my attention.
"Yes, I'm fine. I've been waiting for you for a while now, I just got bored" I said in hopes of covering up the situation and changing the topic.
"You know, I've been calling your name repeatedly for a while but you didn't respond. That bothers me and I doubt you were just bored. "He countered my excuse quickly and I realized that I might need a better excuse to get out of this.
I cleared my throat and sat up properly while his eyes wandered about my face probably to read my expression and gauge my current mood better.
"I'm really worried about you Red, you looked really out of it. Tell me, what's wrong?" I couldn't bear the fact that I'd made him so worried, he sounded conflicted and I figured that several thoughts might've crossed his mind while he tried to find a reasonable explanation for how he'd seen me looking earlier.
"I'm okay baby, I just missed you soooooo much and I'd been looking forward to seeing you so I was a little sad that you weren't here when I arrived which made me miserable, but you're here now so everything's perfectly fine" I quickly whipped up a cuter excuse and batted my eyelashes innocently at him while I hoped dearly that he would believe me and let it go already.
"I don't believe that either. I was standing right beside you and calling out your name but you didn't even flinch, what's got you so worked up? Please tell me" He managed to speak kindly to me even though he knew that I'd lied about what had put me in such a sour mood earlier.
"I don't want you to worry, I promise I'm fine and I'll take care of it okay? It's nothing serious" I said in a bid to quickly hash the conversation, but he looked at me with a determination that made me certain that he was nowhere near dropping the conversation as I'd just requested.
"That won't do either, Red. You looked like you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders with the way you slouched into the bench and you were staring absentmindedly at the sky" Axel was always a determined person when he set his mind on a goal, and right now I knew that he wouldn't back down until I'd told him the complete truth about why I was deep in thoughts earlier. As that realization registered in my mind, I knew that I had to make a decision and I had to do so quickly because I didn't enjoy having Axel worried sick about me and my excuses were only making him worry more and more.
I exhaled loudly, a breath I didn't know that I'd been holding for a while and there, and then I knew that the very moment I dreaded had finally come to bite me in the ass. It was as though my life got crazier by the second, phew.
I finally came. terms with my decision that instant and I knew undoubtedly that the next words that would leave my mouth would most likely seal my fate with Axel, as much as it scared me, I knew that it had to be now.
I turned around to face him and began "It's my family...."