Entry One.
Today, I saw him. I saw Chase again. I couldn't believe it! He's a grown up now. He was so handsome and amazing back then, but it couldn't be compared to what he is now. He's perfect. I've only seen him in magazines and on the television after that day happened but I'm so happy I got to see him again. I was absolutely glad I went to New York. I know it will be hard, but I will do my best to do this. I know I can do this.
Entry Two.
When my hand touched Chase's, I couldn't hide the red face I had anymore, so I quickly tried to cover it by yelling at him. He seemed to be annoyed by my sudden rising voice and I couldn't help but smile inside. He's too cute even with the disguise he was wearing but always fails to cover his face. Again, I had to chuckle inside so he wouldn't see. I stared at his face for a few more seconds, and all I wanted was to scream "It's me". I really wanted to tell him, but I knew I couldn't. And I shouldn't. So, I kept the details of his beautiful face in a special place inside my head.
Entry Three.
I was so happy, so, so happy that he agreed to my peace offering inside the cafe. The sweets here are really delicious and I'm so happy Chase liked them as much as I do. I couldn't hide the excitement inside me, so I kept talking in front of him. I knew it had to stop though the moment my phone rang. It was Tristan. He called to tell me George and Reese were mad as hell and demanded an explanation for my sudden leave. But I couldn't help myself anymore…I wanted to see Chase. I wanted to meet Chase…again. Even if he doesn't remember me. Even if he can't remember me.
Entry Four.
I confessed. In the end I wasn’t able to control myself. I love him. I love him so much. He told me he loves me too. I could die out of happiness now!
Entry Five.
He asked me if I wanted to meet his parents. I was too taken aback by the question. I don't know if I'm ready. There's no hatred towards his family, but whenever I see them, I always blame myself instead. I know it's wrong. Dr. Kant already told me blaming myself wouldn't make me feel better in any way. But I can't help it.
I'm sorry, Chase.
Entry Six.
Happy Third Month! I must really be dreaming all this time. I didn't expect us to be this long (for me it's long). I watched him with peace and sparks in his eyes as we danced with the musicians playing. They reminded me of our group whenever we sang a song called Yesterday’s Dance beside the sea. I wish a day would come when we could play together once again. With George, Tristan, Reese, me, and last but not the least, Chase. I’m still hoping for that day. I will be waiting!
Entry Seven.
For the thousandth time, Tristan called and was forcing me to leave Chase. I couldn't do that! Not now at least. But then he reminded me of the things that could happen. And he's right. It will be my loss. It will be me who'll end up in pain in the end. But he forgot Chase would also be.
I'm scared.
Entry Eight.
I miss my hometown, I miss my friends, I miss the ocean. I couldn't help but hum myself a lullaby Chase used to sing when we were kids. It was a lullaby he also forgot but that’s okay. Hopefully, he’ll remember when the right time comes.
Entry Nine.
This was unexpected. I felt myself panicking when I realized the road we were taking was that road towards Chase's family house. It's been years since I last stepped on that house. I know I shouldn't be acting this way since nothing much happened in that house like the other one…but it frightened me.
I was hugged by Mrs. Dalton. Chase's mother. My adopted mother. I felt teary but I held it back. No, not in front of Chase.
But I missed it. I missed Mom's hug. I missed Dad and Patricia's as well. I missed them.
Entry Ten.
Chase was having nightmares recently. I felt useless the whole time he was crying because of it. Dr. Kant told me they were the signs. But…I could prevent that from happening, right?
So, I told Chase to forget them. Forget those dreams, forget the past, and live in the present.
He doesn't need to remember those things.
Entry Eleven.
Mom called and asked to meet up. I haven't really had a time with them during my and Chase's visit. I agreed and met up with Mom. She was still the same caring mom she was before. I remembered her visiting me in my teenage years, wanting to take me to NYC and live with them. I was too scared that time, still a coward to face my fears so I declined her offer.
Now she asked me to go with her to Grandma's house. I heard my world broke into anxiety. I was glad mom was there to put me in her embrace.
Entry Twelve.
I didn't actually lie to Chase. Grandma is my friend too. But I didn't tell him I would be going with his mother.
Tristan came, he was forcing me again to leave Chase. But I couldn't do it… I don’t want to do it…
Entry Thirteen.
I went inside Grandma's house. I know it was time to face whatever fears I had built up in this place. Besides, he already died long ago. That meant he wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore, right? I wish I could say that loudly to myself because right now I could still feel my hands trembling while writing this.
I hate him. I hate what he did to us. I hate what he did to Chase. I hate him. I hate him so much. I will never be able to forgive him.
Entry Fourteen.
Chase promised me he will never forget me. I believe in him. I will always do.
Entry Fifteen.
Happy 4th Month to my honey baby pancake! We went to the amusement park I've only seen in a magazine before. What I didn't expect was the loud confession of Chase's big mouth! Gosh. When did I fall in love with this crazy man? It was so good to see him smiling that widely though. I love it. I wish time would stop.
Entry Sixteen.
I was panicking when Tristan suddenly called. He was still forcing me to go back and leave Chase. I can't. I don't want to. Is it wrong for me to stay with the one I love?
Entry Seventeen.
I was glad Tristan cancelled our meeting because I don't know what might happen if they ever meet. And Tristan can't face him. He said he's fine, but I could clearly see in his eyes the pain he was trying to hide. Of course, he's hurt, after all he's Chase's best friend. And Chase doesn't remember him.
Entry Eighteen.
It was George who forced and convinced me next. But I wasn't and still couldn't. I saw the crumpled sheet in the corner, and I couldn't help but feel my chest tighten at the sight. It was an old article about Anna's death. The media said nothing about the abuse we had under Chase's grandfather, what they only relayed was two children who had lost their families and attempted to end their lives together. I was too young back then to say what really happened, but George stepped forward and once pointed out to the media of their mistakes. But they never believed a 12-year-old kid.
The past years without Chase barely made me keep my sanity. I can't stay away from him. I can't.
So, George, I'm sorry.
Entry Nineteen.
I met Landon and I felt like having a panic attack. It shouldn't really be this affecting but he was a part of those days. He was Dr. Kant's son, and he was there the entire time Chase was in the hospital. He had witnessed how Chase woke up and uttered words that completely forgot six people's existence. He also seemed to know what my interview with Dr. Kant went to. How he advised me of things and gave me a fatherly look, sympathizing my situation and despite mom's lies, he was completely aware I was one of the forgotten people in Chase's mind. I wish I could tell them I'm with Chase now.
I asked Reese to accompany me for the day. The nightmares I haven't had for years started to crawl back to me. And I'm scared.
I can't let Chase know about this. I wouldn't be able to take it and witness him having a mental breakdown just because of my own fears and cowardice.
Entry Twenty.
It's too late. I know it's too late. My friends came into my apartment and forced me to leave. I told them I couldn't.
And I heard the door closed. I felt my body tremble with shock and fear as I saw the elevator with a broken and crying Chase inside it. He must have heard everything. He heard everything and now the fears I was completely hoping wouldn't come had appeared.
It's too late.
Entry Twenty-One.
For the second time, I saw Chase lying on a hospital bed. It's all my fault. Everything is my fault. If only I didn't appear in his life once again. If only I didn't try to be in his life again. If only I stayed away from him. It's all my fault.
Entry Twenty-Two.
The doctor said he was stable now and would be waking up anytime soon.
I'm scared. I know things wouldn't be the same again the moment he opens his eyes. He might not even remember me…again. And he might not be able to, forever…
I closed my eyes and heard my heart shattered into a million pieces at the possibility of Chase, my Chase, who could not remember me again.
Entry Twenty-Three.
Today, I saw him. I saw Chase for the last time. Even with a pale face, his beautiful features could still be seen. He was so handsome and amazing back then, but it couldn't be compared to what he was now. He’s perfect. I've spent five months with this amazing guy and forever I will keep these memories in my mind and my heart. I was absolutely glad I went to the city. But I know it wasn't right. I can't say it's a mistake because it's not. Meeting Chase was the most wonderful thing that's happened to me. I know it will be hard, but I will do what I have to do now. For the last time, I glanced at his sleeping form and placed a kiss on his forehead.
I'm sorry for everything, my love. I love you. I love you so much.
Goodbye, Chase.