Chapter 20 Chapter Twenty
Danny POV
The Hockey House was empty when I got back, which was a small mercy. After the disaster at the rink, I needed the silence.
I dropped my gym bag by the door and headed straight for my room, Vanessa's notebook clutched in my hand. I'd been carrying it around like some kind of talisman since I left the library, hyperaware of its presence in my car, then in my pocket, now pressed against my palm.
I should just leave it on the table downstairs and text her that it was there, that she could pick it up whenever.
Keep things simple and uncomplicated for a while. But I couldn't make myself let go of it.
I sank onto my bed, the mattress creaking under my weight, and stared down at the worn leather cover. I should really get it back to her soon though, I hoped she wasn't panicking right now, looking for it.
I pulled out my phone to text her, but before I could type anything, the notebook slipped from my other hand and hit the bed. It landed face-up, pages splaying open, and I reached to close it—
But then I saw the handwriting and froze, it wasn't notes about the dissertation research like I had expected.
The writing in it was a neat scrawl and a messy line in some places.
I knew I shouldn't read it, it was a massive invasion of privacy since this was clearly a journal, not class notes and reading someone's journal without permission was pretty wrong.
But my eyes had already caught the first line.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
And then, like the asshole I apparently was, I kept reading.
I told myself I was over him. Told myself that what we had freshman year was just a stupid college romance, the kind everyone has and everyone gets over. But then he showed up at that party and I have been spiraling ever since.
Bean keeps telling me I need to figure out what I want. If I want Danny or if I'm just stuck in some pattern because of Dad. And maybe she's right. Maybe I am stuck or I'm trying to fix what Dad broke by choosing another hockey player, by proving to myself that not all of them leave.
But it doesn't feel like that when I'm with Danny.
God, I'm so scared. I'm scared of wanting him. I'm scared of letting him in. I'm scared that if I do, he'll hurt me again.
The entry ended there, and I sat frozen, staring at the page, she'd never stopped loving me. Or at least, she wanted to.
My chest felt too tight, like someone had reached in and squeezed my lungs. She was scared that I'd hurt her again.
I'd been so focused on proving to her that I'd changed, that I hadn't stopped to think about what she must be going through.
I carefully closed the notebook, guilt settling heavy in my stomach. I shouldn't have read that.
It wasn't meant for me.
But I couldn't unread it now or forget what I'd learned.
Since she was scared I'd hurt her again it meant she was considering letting me in, she wouldn't be scared if she didn't care.
I needed to prove to her that her fear was unfounded and I wasn't going to hurt her.
But how?
Grand gestures felt wrong, Vanessa wasn't the type to be impressed by flowers and chocolates and public declarations. She was practical, thoughtful, someone who valued actions over words so she'd see right through any romantic cliché I tried to pull.
No, I needed to be smarter than that.
I stood and started pacing my room, the notebook clutched in my hand again.
Think, Danny. What does she need right now?
She'd asked for space, and I needed to respect that and while I wanted to respect that I was with her notebook. So I'd give her space, but I'd also create opportunities for us to be together.
I was still helping her with the project for Dr. Han. That was a built-in excuse to spend time together, something that didn't require her to admit she wanted to see me.
It was professional. Safe.
I had already suggested an interview with some sportsmen so I set one up. Frame it as returning her notebook and working on the project. Keep it casual, keep it friendly, let her set the pace.
And then, while we were studying, I could show her who I really was now. The way it should have been freshman year.
A plan started forming in my mind, piece by piece clicking into place.
First, I needed to get through the inter university game this weekend. Marco was already gunning for me, and I couldn't give him any more ammunition.
I needed to prove to the coach, to the team, to everyone that I could handle both hockey and my personal life. After the game though—win or lose—I'd text her, ask if she wanted to meet up to go over the project while I returned her notebook.
I sat back down on my bed, opening my phone. Dylan had texted in the group chat about grabbing dinner, but I ignored it. It wasn't much of a plan, definitely wasn't romantic or anything but it was honest.
My phone buzzed with another text, this time from Ethan.
Ethan: Dude, where are you? We're getting pizza.
I hesitated, then typed back
Me: Not hungry. Got some stuff to figure out.
Ethan :This about Vanessa?
I stared at the message for a long moment before responding.
Me: Yeah.
Ethan:You really like her, huh?
The question was simple, but I wasn't sure what answer to give so in the end, I just said the truth.
Me:Yeah. I really do.
Ethan: Then fight for her, man. Don't mind what Marco said, we trust you and as long as you keep your head in the game. None of us can barge into your personal life.
I read his message twice, he was right. No one had a day in my personal life as far as I did my job well.
Ethan: Now get your ass downstairs and eat something. You're no good to anyone if you collapse from starvation.
Despite everything, I smiled.
Me:Fine. Be down in five.
I set my phone aside and looked at the notebook one more time, tucking it carefully into my desk drawer where it would be safe. I'd give it back to her after the game, exactly as planned.
Downstairs, I could hear the guys arriving back with pizza, their voices loud and familiar. I headed downstairs,
“ Here the king of the rink,” Dylan roared and I grinned.
“ What toppings do we have?” I asked, taking a coke and a seat.
“ Everything except pineapple” Henry muttered
“ That's not true, I have that here” Dylan mumbled opening a carton, Henry gagged
“ Beast”
“ It's the best thing ever” Dylan teased, taking a deep bite and groaning.
The door opened and Marco walked in, the room fell silent but then Jake turned from his pizza and looked to him
“ You joining us or not” he asked, tension filled the room before he finally walked to a couch and collapsed on it grabbing a slice and the noise continued.