Ch. 152

Ch. 152
"I'm sorry I left you alone," Perris finally says, his voice cracking slightly on the last word. He doesn't look at me as he speaks, instead focusing on a point somewhere across the clearing. "It was stupid of us to split up, and I’m the last person who should be judging anyone else."
"It’s fine. You’re entitled to feel however you like," I tell him, surprised by the gentleness in my own voice. "I’m sorry that I wasn’t more forthcoming with you about what was going on with me before roping you into coming down here."
"I don’t give a fuck why you wanted to sneak into the vault, Carlisle." He scoffs, shaking his head. "You could’ve asked me to help you break into the Empress’s underwear drawer; the second you asked me, it was already a done deal."
Now, it’s my turn to scoff. “But… why? We barely know each other.”
Perris shrugs, looking as if he’d asked himself the same thing more than once. “When you know, you know.”
My heart stutters. When I speak, my voice comes out barely more than a whisper, “What do you know?”
Seconds seem to stretch into hours as Perris gathers his thoughts and turns to look at me. “You were right. When you said that I cared about you, you were right, Dezi. Some days you’re literally the only thing I think about.”
The sentiment would have been breathtaking save for the pained look on his face. I bump his injured shoulder with mine. “Why does saying that make you look as if you’re going to be sick?”
“You heard those things. They might not have been real, but the shit they were saying is true,” he says, frowning. “I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. The people around me get hurt.”
“I’m sure it’s more nuanced than that,” I say.
“Oh yeah?” He counters, “When was the last time you spoke to Eleanore?”
“About you? Not since right after the student council party.” I give him a pointed look, “I’ll tell you what I told her—I prefer to make my own judgment calls. I’ve spent way too much time having strangers tell the world who I am; I’d be the Empire's biggest hypocrite if I did the same to anyone else.”
Perris gives me a long, assessing look. “You’re really something else, you know that, Carlisle?”
"I don't know what I am," I admit, the words spilling out before I can stop them. "Before this school year started, at least I had a place, you know? Not a good one, mind you, but I had a role to play. I was the orphan, the normie, the charity case, the kid who didn’t have any friends. Fine. Whatever. It’s a part I was used to. Now, I don’t even have that, and the world is getting so much bigger, and…."
My throat tightens up, forcing me to stop. “You feel like you’re drowning in the unknown,” Perris finishes.
I drag a hand through my tangled, mud-caked hair. "I didn’t really get what you were saying about expectations until now. Not really. No one ever really expected anything from me, so it felt like a kind of fuck you to be exactly who everyone already thought I was. Now, I’m just so afraid of messing things up for everyone else."
Perris doesn’t answer, or ask questions, or tell me what he’d do if he were me. He just… listens.
When was the last time anyone just listened to me without offering solutions or platitudes? I can't remember.
I look down at my mud-crusted hands. "I'm still just me. The same person I've always been. But now I’m all these different things to all of these people. And I'm terrified that whatever they think I am, I'm going to disappoint them."
The admission costs me. Vulnerability has always been a luxury I couldn't afford, but something about nearly dying multiple times in one day breaks down certain barriers.
When I finally dare to look up, Perris is watching me with silent empathy.
"For what it's worth," he says quietly, "I think the best part of expectations put on you is being able to choose which ones you prove right or wrong."
His gaze drifts to where the phantom vampires had stood, their spectral forms dissipated, but their accusations still lingering in the air. "My father has spent centuries grooming me to take over House Lanore. To unite the vampire Houses under one banner in the Outer Reaches. I was never supposed to come to Widdershins, I was never supposed to leave the Bloodline territories. It was my mother who always wanted more from me. Probably the one person whose opinion doesn’t matter anymore, and still, she’s the only one I’ve ever wanted to impress. "
Perris reaches out hesitantly, then stops, his hand hovering over mine. I make the decision for him, bridging the gap to let his cold fingers close around mine. His touch is gentle, surprising in its tenderness. “So, how do you reconcile who you are with who you’re supposed to be?”
"I guess you don’t," he says, squeezing my hand lightly. “You count on the people around you to show up when you need them to help keep your head straight."
The words hang in the air between us, creating something new. We share a quiet smile, both of us too emotionally drained for anything more profound.
It's a fleeting moment of peace, shattered almost immediately by rustling from the opposite side of the clearing. We both tense, Perris's hand tightening protectively around mine as we turn toward the sound. After the last two days, it’s clear that quite literally anything is possible.
But what emerges from the twisted undergrowth isn't another monster. It's Coach Caldere.