Chapter 41 Crew's Homecoming Reality
Harper's Pov,
The first night Crew was home, he couldn't sleep.
I woke up at 3 AM to find him sitting on Maya's balcony in the dark, staring at the city lights with his hands shaking.
"Hey," I said quietly, sliding the door open. "You okay?"
"Can't shut my brain off." His voice was tight. "I keep thinking about everything I have to deal with tomorrow. The Titans meeting. The media. Figuring out where I'm going to live since my lease ended while I was in treatment and I let it go because I couldn't afford to keep paying rent on a place I wasn't using."
I sat down next to him. "You can stay here as long as you need."
"Maya's already letting you stay here rent-free. She doesn't need both of us freeloading."
"She won't mind. I already texted her and she said you're welcome to stay."
"That's not the point." He rubbed his face. "The point is… I'm 30 years old and I don't have a place to live and I might not have a job after tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about how much easier this would be if I just took something to take the edge off."
I felt my stomach twist. "Are you thinking about using?"
"I'm always thinking about using. That's the problem." He looked at me and his eyes were red. "Dr. Kim said cravings are normal. That they'll get less intense over time. But right now it feels like my brain is screaming at me to make it stop and I know exactly how to make it stop… but I can't."
"What do you need? Do you need to call your sponsor?"
"It's three in the morning."
"Sponsors don't have business hours. That's literally what they're for." I pulled out my phone. "What's his number?"
"I don't want to bother him—"
"Crew. What's his number?"
He gave it to me and I called before he could talk me out of it.
A man's voice answered on the third ring, gravelly with sleep. "This is Mike."
"Hi, this is Harper. I'm Crew Lawson's girlfriend. He's having a hard time right now and needs to talk to you."
"Put him on."
I handed Crew the phone. He took it reluctantly.
"Hey, Mike. Sorry to wake you up." Pause. "Yeah, I'm home. Got out yesterday." Another pause. "No, I'm not going to use. I just can't stop thinking about it."
I watched him talk to Mike for twenty minutes, his voice getting steadier as the conversation went on. When he finally hung up, some of the tension had left his shoulders.
"He said the first week is always the hardest. That cravings peak around day three or four after leaving treatment and then start to level out." Crew handed me my phone back. "He also said I need to go to a meeting today. That sitting around thinking about using is the worst thing I can do."
"Then we'll find you a meeting."
"There's one at 7 AM in Capitol Hill. NA meeting, open to everyone." He looked at me. "Will you come with me?"
"Of course."
We sat there on the balcony until the sun started coming up, not talking, just existing in the same space while Crew's brain slowly stopped screaming at him to make everything stop.
…..
The NA meeting was in a church basement that smelled like burnt coffee and years of cigarette smoke that had seeped into the walls.
There were maybe fifteen people sitting in a circle of mismatched chairs, ranging from a kid who looked barely twenty to a woman in her sixties with a cane.
Crew and I took seats near the back. He was bouncing his leg so hard the chair rattled.
A man in his forties with a grey beard stood up. "Welcome everyone. For those who are new, this is the Capitol Hill Narcotics Anonymous morning meeting. My name is James and I'm an addict."
"Hi James," everyone said in unison.
"We're here to support each other in recovery. No judgment, no pressure, just honesty." James sat back down. "Who wants to start?"
A woman in her thirties raised her hand. "I'm Sarah and I'm an addict. I've been clean for six months and yesterday I almost relapsed. My ex called and started yelling at me about custody and all I wanted was to use so I didn't have to feel it. But I called my sponsor instead and she talked me down and I made it through."
"Thanks for sharing, Sarah," the group said.
Another person shared. Then another. Stories of cravings and near-misses and small victories that felt huge.
Then Crew raised his hand.
"I'm Crew and I'm an addict too." His voice was shaky. "This is my second day out of treatment. 32 days clean. And I'm terrified because everything feels too loud and too bright and too much without pills to numb it. I have a meeting today that might end my career and I keep thinking about how much easier it would be to face it if I was high. But I can't do that anymore. So I'm here instead."
After the meeting ended, several people came up to talk to Crew. An older man gave him his phone number. A woman told him about another meeting that happened at night. James, the guy who'd led the meeting, shook his hand.
"First week is brutal," James said. "But you're doing the right things. Meetings, sponsors, being honest about cravings. Keep doing that and it gets easier."
"When does it get easier?" Crew asked.
"The timing is different for everyone. But usually around day 90, your brain starts to reset. The fog lifts. Things feel less overwhelming." James clapped him on the shoulder. "Until then, just take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Sometimes one minute."
…..
We got back to Maya's apartment at eight thirty. Crew looked exhausted despite not having done anything except sit in a church basement for an hour.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
"Like I just ran a marathon." He collapsed on the couch. "Why is being sober so exhausting?"
"Because your brain is rewiring itself. That takes energy." I sat next to him. "You want breakfast? I can make eggs."
"You don't have to take care of me."
"I'm not taking care of you. I'm offering you food because it's breakfast time and humans need to eat."
"Harper." He looked at me. "I know I'm a mess right now. And I know this is a lot for you to deal with. If you need space or time or whatever—"
"I don't need space. I need you to stop apologizing for being in recovery." I grabbed his hand. "Crew, you're doing the hardest thing you've ever done. You're allowed to be exhausted and overwhelmed and scared. That doesn't make you a burden."
"It feels like that."
"Well you're not. You're a person who's getting better. And I love you. So stop trying to push me away because you think I can't handle it."
He pulled me close and buried his face in my neck. "I love you too. Even though I'm a disaster right now."
"In that case, you're MY disaster,” I said with a soft giggle, kissing his cheek.
We sat there for a while, just holding each other, until Maya came home from her morning run and found us on the couch.
"Morning," she said, grabbing water from the fridge. "How'd the first night go?"
"He couldn't sleep. Had a panic attack at 3 AM. Then we went to an NA meeting at seven." I looked at her. "So pretty standard for early recovery, apparently."
"Sounds fun." Maya sat down across from us. "So, Crew. You know you're welcome to stay here as long as you need, right? Harper already told you that but I'm telling you directly so you don't feel weird about it."
"I appreciate that. But I can't live on your couch forever."
"Good thing we have a guest room then." Maya smiled. "Look, I know you feel like you're imposing. But Harper's my best friend and you make her happy. So as far as I'm concerned, you're family now. And my family doesn't keep score."
Crew eyes were wet now. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to shower before my 10 AM call." She stood up. "Oh, and Harper? David Morrison called again. He really wants that meeting today."
"We'll call him back after breakfast."
After Maya left, Crew turned to me. "I have to face Morrison in two hours."
"We have to face Morrison in two hours."
"Harper, you don't have to come. This is my career—"
"And you're my boyfriend. So yes, I'm coming. We already had this argument and you lost." I stood up. "Now go take a shower. You smell like church basement."
"Haha! That's very romantic."
"Just go shower already."
He laughed and it was the first genuine laugh I'd heard from him since he got home. "Okay. I'll shower. But only because you asked nicely."
"Whatever," I said, smiling.