Twenty-one

If there is one thing I should have learned from all the things that I’ve been, it is that I should not trust, that I should not believe anyone that quick.

I shouldn’t believe anyone, or that someone or something is reliable, good, and honest.

That must be what I should be doing.

I must have lost the desire to trust others.

Trust is, indeed, something we can’t handle but feel. For me, this is one of the most important and fatal things when we don’t know how to be careful and handle things.

Trust is a foundation of any faith, be it loves, life or religion, or even just buying something in the store.

I said that because if you don’t trust when you buy something in the store, you probably won’t buy it. Many doubts will come to your mind even when you simply buy it, considering if it is clean and safe. . . It’s as simple as that.

I should have lost my self—confidence before like it is an understandable thing, but no.

I trusted myself more.

I believe that when I focus more on something I want, I can get it.

I believe, even before I lost my parents, that if we people don’t have any confidence in ourselves, no one will distinguish our value—not even ourselves.

We have nowhere to go in our lives.

Trusting yourself is where everything you do begins.

It may seem vague, especially when I feel the longing at death of my parents, but I keep in mind that to do what I want, to give them justice, to give them and myself a good life, I need to trust myself.

I need to trust my capabilities that I can be strong and have a best confidence I could bring whenever I want to go.

I want to be strong and combative. I want to be strong, as if I can get through everything.

I believed in myself that time will surely come where I will achieve what I want and I will succeed.

And I could feel that thing worked.

I felt that those beliefs strengthen me to face every trial that comes into my way.

I know that I can never lose that confidence because no one else can give me the things I want. Except me.

No one can take revenge, no one can give that justice to my dead parents if it is not me.

In this journey, I learned that If I want something; I need to do everything to reach it.

I just need to trust that I can and with action and heart, I can reach anything that I want. I can be wherever I want to be.

Trust is such a broad matter.

And I don’t think not having trust issues is a good idea at all.

I feel like I’m not the one who can instill resentment in someone after a long time.

While everyone is stressing out about their trust issues, me. . . I can trust people even if I don’t want to.

I don’t know if what my mother said had an impact on me then. I don’t know if my parents’ words were what embraced me and my kind of lifestyle I have now.

My mom, told me that I need to trust other people for myself because I am not alone.

She told me that people will not be happy in life and in our relationships with other people if we do not have trust with them.

She said that we will only be happy in our lives if we trust others.

But in our world today, I don’t think that my mom is right. In today’s time, there are many people who like to hurt each other, there are are exploiters, users and fraudsters. They will try to take our trust for their own sake.

I know how risky it may take, but I don’t feel that way at all.

Even without my parents, even though several years have passed since they died, I feel like their words and reminders are still there in my mind that I will never be able to disobey.

For me, those are the only things that connect me to my parents.

And lastly, Him.

My parents told me that I need to trust Him at all times and I ended up trusting Him even though my life ended as chaotic as more than we could expect and think of.

I know that sometimes; we come into our lives that we are really discouraged. This will destroy even our own self-confidence, our trust in ourselves. That’s when we feel hopeless and in despair.

Sometimes we also need to give ourselves time to think about whether what we are doing is right and just—where are we and where we are are leading, what we want and desire.

That’s the thing my parents keep telling me back then.

Trust Him.

If I am happy, I need to thank Him.

If I feel despair, I need to pray and talk to Him.

If I am in pain, I need to trust Him.

If I miss them. . . I should let Him give me guidance and answer all my questions.

I must admit that after losing my parents, I lost my trust in Him. I blamed Him and asked Him what was really my fault on why my life was in turmoil. But in the end, I was enlightened by everything that was going on my in my life. All mistakes, failures, they all have a reason, a purpose. If I don’t leave my previous place, I probably won’t be able to face everything right now. I’m probably in the mountains and most of all, I won’t be able to be with the person I most trust right now.

I always remember that He has a better plan for me.

I don’t even know that now but I won’t stop and I won’t give up, even if I was able to stop the investigation after the fire that broke out in our house then conflicted danger and pain to Asher, who is my only friend, I will not think of any hindrances now.

I can face all of these alone and I will never let anyone get hurt again.

I will not stop. . .

Not until I get what I want.