Chapter 61
Kay.
Dean sits with me on their couch and keeps whispering comforting words to me, but I know I won't be okay.
Either way, I calm myself down. I don't want his dad to find me crying with bloody hands.
"Can I use your bathroom?" My voice comes out groggy from excessive crying. From the look on his face, I'm sure I look pathetic. I know my eyes are puffy right now.
"Sure, sweetheart," Dean stands up with me and walks up the stairs. He opens the door to his room, and if I were in a good mood, I would have laughed at him.
Carl gave me a smile, and he took it with him, together with my heart.
I have never been to Dean's room before. It is so big and very messy. Carl was so clean, his room was so flawless that even mine.
Dean opens the door to his bathroom and puts me down on my feet.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he whispers, pushing my hair away, and I shake my head no.
"No, please," I say and quickly turn away from him. If he continues looking at me with such pitiful eyes, I will keep crying.
"I will get you something to change," he mumbles, and after a while, his presence disappears from the room.
I take off my clothes, plus the guns, and place them on his counter. I don't care if Dean finds out about us anymore.
I open the door to his bathroom and start a cold shower. The water reminds me of the showers I have been sharing with Carl, and I miss him. I don't know what I should do.
I didn't know a heartbreak would hurt this much. I was confident Carl was mine.
Why didn't he tell me? It was a sick game to him all along. He really knows how to pretend.
I was so stupid to think he cared.
How could I think otherwise when he was so gentle with me? The way he talked to me, the looks he used to give me, like I meant something.
I couldn't help but fall for his sick charms.
The way he touched me, the way his body felt on mine.
Please, God no. Let it be a bad dream.
His kisses were tender and loving. The way he held me in sleep made me feel so safe. Untouchable.
Even the nightmares couldn't touch me. He made everything so beautiful and easy. But now he's gone.
His warm embrace is gone; I will never wake up to his presence again.
Fuck. I grip my hair and slide down the glass wall. I can't stop crying. He's the only man who made sense to me.
"Princess," Dean calls from the side of the door, but I ignore him. I just want Carlos to tell me it was just a bad joke. I want him back.
I am so stupid.
"You gotta get out before you catch a cold, sweetheart." I don't care if I die right now. My body is shaking from the cold, and the cold floor I am sitting on is not helping.
I want to see him. Why didn't he tell me I was boring earlier? It was my first time, and I was inexperienced.
If he told me, Theo would have taught me more. He knows everything about that stuff. I just needed a little more time.
"I'm coming in if you don't come out in the next minute; you have been in there for an hour now." One hour?
I wouldn't want any other man to see me naked. Wait, what if it was my scars that turned him off?
But I hid them so well, I even added colour to the bigger ones. I knew they were ugly.
If I had a chance, I would have brought the three fuckers to life and killed them again. But since River killed his father, maybe he should die in his place.
I don't like him anyway, and he looks sketchy.
I tie a towel over my body and exit the bathroom to find Dean waiting with a worried look on his face.
He silently hands me his shirt and boxers before turning around to give me privacy.
"Did someone hurt you? Is your dad okay?" How can I tell him a man broke my heart?
Could he have treated me the same way?
"It's nothing," I mumble, putting on the boxers.
"Kay, you came here crying with blood over you, you have two loaded guns and knives in your purse, tell me what is going on, are you in danger or some shit?" he yells in exasperation, turning around to face me.
Did he go through my purse?
"I was looking for your phone. I had to call your dad when you wouldn't come out, but your phone is blank." What is the purpose of coming here anyway if he starts yelling at me?
"I can't tell you, Dean," I mumble, walking to his room, and he follows me. I just wanna bury my head in his pillows and sleep.
"Is it about the mafia shit?" The mention of that name has me turning around so fast. How the fuck did he know?
"I'm not an idiot princess, men in black trail you everywhere since the first day I saw you, I had to do my homework and found out. Are you going to tell me who hurt you now?" he lowers his voice, standing in front of me.
If I tell him about Carl, I will hurt his feelings. I have an idea how that feels now, and I wouldn't wish it for Dean.
"Someone has been threatening me and...tonight they cornered... I and things got messy," I sadly stutter, hoping he'll buy it.
" Oh, sweetheart, did you get him?" I shake my head no, and he draws me to him. Dean circles his hands around me in a hug, but my arms remain at my sides.
His arms are not as strong as Carl's, and his cologne is nothing like the specific one I crave.
Carl's body is so strong, big, and warm, it makes my eyes water to know someone else will have him and not me.
"It's okay, everything will be okay," he rubs circles on my back, but his touch is plain. It has no effect like Carl's.
How did I let myself get this far?
"Please stop crying," he begs, and I sniffle, gripping his shirt.
"I'm tired," I whisper, burying my face in his chest.
"Okay, sweetheart, come lie down, okay," he lifts me again from the floor and lays me on his bed.
Even the way he carries me is not how Carl does. And this bed is cold. Carl's bed is so warm, and it smells like him.
I'm used to his black silk covers and no other.
He ruined me for anyone else.