Last Session With Ramira Part 2

Last Session With Ramira Part 2
“Go on, Laurel,” Ramira encouraged. “Why did you hate him?”

I remained quiet for a moment before sighing. “I don’t know what made me hate him that much at that moment. There were so many things that kept playing in my head.”

“Like what?”

“Every time he came home, I would tremble in fear. I would pray that what I made for dinner would be good enough for him, but it never was. No matter how much time, energy, or love that I put into it, he would find something wrong with it. And then I realized it wasn’t the food that he had a problem with. It wasn’t the way I cooked or the way I cleaned. It wasn’t the way that I tried to love him. It wasn’t even because I wasn’t a good wife. It was simply because I was a woman. That was why he hated me so much. I didn’t need to have done anything to him. He hated me just because I had a vagina between my legs,” I told her.

She tilted her head as she studied my face. “And how did that realization make you feel?”
“I felt bad for him. What could have messed up a child so badly that he would grow up and become what Carl became. Who hurt him so badly that he felt the need to hurt everyone around him? Was it possible to save him from himself? To help him? And those questions made me angry.” I closed my eyes as my hands fisted on my lap. “So fucking angry.”

“Why?”

“Because he chose to be that way.” My eyes snapped open to look at her with a hardened look. “He chose to hurt me. He chose to push my love away. For my entire marriage, our entire relationship, I tried so hard to be the good wife, because I thought that was what he needed. I thought that if I was better, he would learn to love me, but whatever broke him broke him in a way that no one else could fix. Only he could and he had no desire to try, so why should I care if he didn’t? Why should I put the effort into worrying about him, when he gave zero fucks about me? And that question made me realize that I had boundaries. Boundaries that I was no longer going to allow anyone to disrespect. I don’t want people in my life that aren’t going to care about me, and my well-being. It didn’t matter if it was emotional, mental, or physical. I just wanted to be happy.”

“What kind of boundaries did you realize you had?” she asked.

“That when I said no or that I didn’t like something, that was that. There was no more conversation. It makes me uncomfortable and I’m not going to let anyone force me into anything that was going to make me feel like my say didn’t matter. It made me realize that I also wasn’t going to let anyone treat me just any old way. I have a level of self-respect that I never realized I had. That’s why I fell for Mason. He has respected every single boundary I have put into place without hesitation. He has never tried to override what I want in favor of what he wants. He has never made me feel like he knows better about how I felt than I did.

Even when I couldn’t speak up for myself at that very moment something happened, I knew that I could talk to him about it later. When I did talk to him about it later, he listened to me. He didn’t interrupt me, and then he compromised with me or told me straight out that he would do his best to never make me feel that way again. That’s why I feel so safe with him. I thought it was because he protected me physically. I knew that he would step in front of me without hesitation, but he does that in every way. When I’m stuck in my emotions, he listens to me.

He lets me know that he’s there for me no matter what I have to say. And he doesn’t try to fix me. He lets me work it out myself without him trying to guide my thoughts. He asks me questions and has me expand on what I already said, but he doesn’t put words into my mouth. I never realized how important that was for me to have until I made the decision to walk away from him and remove that from my life. He is the greatest man that I’ve ever met, and he loves me in every way that I grew up wanting. It’s a way that Carl was never going to be able to love me. It hurts to know that I wasn’t worth anything in my husband’s eyes, but going through that makes me aware of how special Mason is. It makes me appreciate him in ways that most people would take for granted. You know?”

She nodded. “I do. Have you decided what you’re going to do about Mason? You sound like you’re more sure about your relationship with him.”
I nodded. “That’s because I am. Mason has had every reason to walk away from me and not wait for me, but he hasn’t. He chose me. He is still choosing me. My entire adult life, all I have wanted was to be chosen by the person that I chose, and now I have been. By Mason. And I’m ready to choose him back, Ramira. The last two days, I have had a lot of time to figure out what exactly I want, and it’s him. I want him to be my forever. I want him to be everything to me for as long as he can be, which I hope is for eternity. I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know what is in store for us, but I don’t have to. That used to frighten me. The not knowing. It used to make me give up before I even started trying. It made me not even want to try.

I would just keep going through life with my head down, praying that no one would look at me twice. I know that I still have a long way to go in my healing journey, but I also know that taking that walk with Mason by my side is the only thing I know for sure that I want to do. I want to wake up in the morning and know that no matter how hard my day might be, that no matter how many times people push my boundaries, that I will get to go home to Mason, and be able to let my pent up emotions out. I know that I’ll have a safe space where I can be free. I can be what I need for my person without having to worry about not being enough. I can be everything that he needs too.

I may not know exactly what that is right at this moment, but I know I’ll figure it out. I want to figure it out for him. He deserves that and so much more. He deserves everything I gave to Carl. The eagerly waiting by the door for him to get home. The home cooked dinners. The kisses before he leaves for work, or before I leave the house if I have to leave first. All the nights of passion and the deep conversations. Those silly moments that make us forget that we’re not the only people in the world. He never pushes me away. Even when I push him away, he still tries to draw me closer. That’s what I want in a relationship. That’s the kind of partner I deserve. I’m not settling for Mason. And for the first time in my adult life, I don’t feel like someone is settling for me either.”
“And how does that make you feel?” she asked, making me giggle a little.

“Ramira, you don’t have to shrink me anymore. Talk to me like I'm a friend. Tell me what you think about everything I just said,” I requested.

She got up off her chair to move to the couch and took my hand. “I’m very proud of you, Laurel. You faced your nightmares bravely, and you are so much more confident now. You have overcome a lot of horrible things and are allowing yourself to be happy without worrying that it’s going to be taken from you, or that it’s not the real deal. Some people never get to where you are, even if they haven't been abused, and that in itself is a very good thing. I know that you are going to keep making progress, and I hope that more than anything, you will continue to reach out to me if you need to talk.”
I leaned forward to hug her tightly. “I will, and thank you so much for everything that you have done for me, Ramira. You have no idea how much you have helped me, and I will never forget it.”

She hugged me back for a moment before leaning away from me. “Just don’t take too long to go home.”
“I won’t.”

I got to my feet, smiling widely at her. “I’ll see you around, Ramira.”
“Yes you will.” I was almost to the door when she called out to me, making me turn around. “One more thing, Laurel. Who is the person that you love the most?”

I smiled at her softly. “Me, Ramira. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I love myself.”