Chapter Seventy Three

“But I thought only men could be Alphas,” Lyle said, retaining the childlike amazement his face had held ever since we’d stepped out of Emerald pack.

“Female Alphas are rare,” I said, gently running my hand through his hair. He was lying on the bed, tucked in by me.

For someone afraid to show affection, it was startling how Lyle had crept his way into my heart. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that I knew what he’d gone through at the hands of his grandfather and I was also a testament to the man’s cruelty.

It could also be due to the fact that Lyle was a sweet child, he was very curious, got excited about the smallest things, and was completely adorable. Whatever it was, I just knew I would give my life for this child.

“You are either born one or you become one by killing an Alpha, that in itself is very hard for a common werewolf to achieve considering how powerful Alphas are,” I explained.

“How did you become one?” he asked.

And to my surprise, the pang wasn't there when I remembered Sephora. Instead, I was keen to talk about her. “My sister was born one, she just never wanted to be one and so when she died, the responsibility fell on my shoulders.”

His eyes widened with interest. “What about my father?”

I smiled. “He was born one and has proven himself to be one fine Alpha. He is amazing.”

“Will I be like him?”

I bent down to give him a kiss on the head. “Even better, love. You'll see.”

He grinned widely. “I'll be the strongest Alpha in the world and everyone will be scared of me but I won't hurt them,” he shook his head. “I'll protect everyone and no one will hurt anyone.”

And I wished at that moment I could protect him from the memories of the abuse he’d suffered.

“You’ll be perfect,” I managed to say. “And everyone will love you.”

His smile deepened, displaying his dimples. “And I’ll fight…”

“Now, now, you have to sleep. You have training tomorrow.”

He sat up excitedly. “With Luther?”

For the past weeks, he’d been having physical training with Luther but we were getting closer to the final preparations for our attack on my uncle and so Luther was kept busy. The army from the Black Tide pack arrived yesterday morning and those from the Emerald pack were due to arrive in two days, we’ll be leaving for the Mystic Hollow pack in five days.

Tensions were high and I could tell we were all worried about the future, the air was electrified and everyone in the manor knew that in five days, our lives would be changed forever regardless of the outcome of the battle.

“Your new trainer is just as good. Go to sleep now, Lyle.”

“Good night, Natalie,” he said when I brought up his bedcover to his shoulder.

“Good night, Lyle.” I gave him one last kiss on the forehead and made my way to the door.

“Natalie,” he called, stopping me just as my hand touched the door handle.

I turned to him. “What's wrong? Do you need anything else?”

“Can I call you Mom?”

My heart leaped and everything in me came alive, tears filled my eyes instantly, and I felt love as I’d never experienced consume me.

“Of course, baby….” My voice faltered for a few seconds. “Anything you want.”

He smiled at me. “Good night, Mom.”

I smiled back at him before heading out. I’d just reached the end of the hallway when I came across my mother.

She glanced at where I’d been coming from before her sad eyes met mine. “He's lucky to have you.”

I paused and said nothing.

“He reminds me of you, you know. So curious, hyperactive, and filled with so much happiness.” She reached out to touch me but I evaded it. “What happened?”

“You would have the answer to that better than anyone else.”

She sighed and walked away, I watched her until she’d settled on the couch that overlooked the large window at the other end of the hallway. She turned to me. “Come. Sit with me.”

I stood for a minute contemplating before finally making my way to her. I settled down on the couch and kept a noticeable distance between us. The windows shook from the stinging wind that slapped them. Nikolai’s pack was mostly cold and sometimes I seeked solace in how frigid it got.

“I was never a good parent to you,” my mother said, her eyes staring directly outside. “It's strange, isn't it? When it was just you and Sephora, you were both my whole world and I showered you with love but then your other sisters came, and I just fell into showing favoritism.”

I didn't want to hear whatever my mother was going to say, but I allowed her to speak. Perhaps doing this would help ease her guilt.

“My extra attention for Sophia started because of her obvious difference from the rest of you and I just found myself neglecting my other children’s needs but it was too late, wasn't it?” She turned to me. “By the time I was done grieving Sophia being snatched from me, you’d already taken my place in your sisters’ lives.”

“Even though you weren't the oldest, you had leadership qualities. They all loved you, they all wanted to be around you, seek your counsel, your attention, and your affection. You were their support system in my absence and maybe I disliked you for it just a little.”

Her face reddened in shame. “I was a horrible mother to you, Natalie. I still am, I never cared about your hobbies or your dislikes, and I pushed you to become hyper-independent, to believe you had no one but yourself. I pushed you to never trust anyone and I never taught you how to love…”

“That's enough.”

“I'm sorry, Natalie. Those words I said to you, I regret them, every day of my life I've regretted them but my apologies and regrets wouldn't take them back, wouldn't erase the pain I had caused you.”

“It's in the past, I forgave you.”

She shook her head. “You hated me. I could tell.”

Hate was a strong word. My affection for her surely had died down after she’d told me she wished I had died instead of Sephora. My life had changed from that day and I harbored a feeling of resentment towards her and subtly extended it toward Catherine and Marilyn for having a good relationship with her.

It was why I never wanted to sit with them, to talk to them, to listen to them but I didn't hate them. I didn't have it in me.

“I didn't,” I replied quietly. “You hurt me more than anyone ever could, you taught me that I had to withdraw affection. If I didn't love or trust people, how then would they hurt me?”

Tears ran down my cheeks when I spoke and I didn't bother wiping them. “I learned to only rely on myself and you have no idea, Mom... You have no idea how lonely I felt, how much I was hurting. You have no idea how many nights I would wake up from a nightmare and would have to hug myself, consoling myself, all alone. I wanted to go to you but I couldn't, I never could and it broke me over and over again.”

I swallowed and twisted my fingers. “But I survived, I did it on my own, right? I didn't need you, I didn't need to beg for your love or continue to ask myself if I was so terrible that even my mother couldn't love me.”

My mother was crying too, her hands hiding her face as she swayed back and forth.

“I was blessed with Nikolai and he showed me that I could be loved, protected, and comforted. He gave me everything you never did and I realized I wasn't the problem and that you were. You were a good mother to your other children, weren't you? You simply chose me to pile on your guilt and ruined me for most of my life. You don't get to cry or feel sorry, you don't get to feel all of that, I don't need you to feel bad, not anymore.”

“Natalie, please… Please, listen to me.”

This time I allowed her to hold my hands.

“I forgive you, Mom. I forgave you long before now but it doesn't erase the memories, unfortunately, that's not how forgiveness works.” I smiled at her. “Isn't it funny that we have no previous relationship to fall back on, no good history to rely on to help us both move on?”

She looked hopeful, desperate. “We can start over again.”

I shook my head. “I don't think I want to. You will always remain my mother but I am perfectly content with not having a great relationship with you. Sometimes we don't always get a happy ending.” I got up. “There is no happy ending for us, I'm sorry.”

And when I walked away from her, I knew I’d made the best decision for myself. I didn't hate her, I never did and the bitterness would wither too, I didn't need us to have a better relationship for that to happen.

I loved her but I was content with loving her from afar.