Chapter 129: The Snuggling Tension

Chapter 129: The Snuggling Tension


Nasir's POV

Silence hung like a stretched bowstring in the room, so sharp that it pierced my ears as I had witnessed shrieking rogues, venomous councils and the war chaos on the battlefield but nothing pounded my heart as much as the silence between Trinity and me today.

She slept half-turned on her side and the blankets yanked up over her shoulders like armor. Her puffy eyes from the tears convinced myself I didn't see in the deepest black hours of the night. My wolf paced inside me, agitated and clawing near whining at seeing her so breakable and so out of reach.

I dragged my hand over my face, slammed the heel of my palm into my temple "Coward" The word seemed to resound in my mind like a curse. I had been a coward all those years, when I had known what she was to me and buried it under brutality because it terrified me and i had been a coward the previous night when i had let hunger overpower discretion, when i had taken and indulged until i had seen fear and doubt tango in her eyes.

I hadn't even left her breath space before letting desire rule me and that wasn't what she needed.

I hunched forward, elbows in my knees forcing myself to speak before silence strangled me "Trinity"

She flinched. Not much but enough and my gut twisted.

I gentled my voice "I meant everything that I said last night. The apology and the confession. None of it was impulsive" I stuttered, hanging in mid-breath "I've been wrong, Trinity. In more ways than I can count. Wrong about you, wrong about us and wrong about being tied to someone"

Her lashes fell, obscuring her face "And now you suddenly see me differently, after all that?

The manner in which her voice broke on the final word tore me apart. 

"Yes" I whispered "But not suddenly. That's the worst of it. I've always seen you and always sensed it even when I struck out and even when I lied and said you meant nothing. I knew deep in my heart, I knew you were my mate"

Her head swiveled, slow and calculated. Her eyes locked into mine, red with accusation and hurt "If you knew Nasir, then why? Why all those years of making me feel nothing? Why did you burn me down rather than..." Her voice shattered, trembling "Rather than holding onto me?"

I had witnessed spears, blades and claws but this question cut deeper.

I swallowed, parched throat "Because i was afraid"

Her eyebrows creased, incredulity breaking through "Afraid?"

I touched my chest, above where my wolf's heart beat "You were a light untouched. You laughed so freely, you trusted, you hoped and I? I was born for control, bred in darkness and blood and I thought that if I touched you, I'd sully you. That loving you would only drag you down with me into the shadows"

A bitter laugh escaped her lips but it trembled "So instead you took me into another darkness. One in which I doubted my own worth. In which your words cut me up until i thought maybe you were right and that i wasn't enough"

I opened my eyes and shame seared and tightened "I do and i will hate myself for that until the day i die."

The silence between us no longer rang empty, it throbbed with hurting, with honesty and the faintest whisper of something more.

She huddled deeper in the blanket, regarding me like she hoped to peel off every mask I'd ever donned "So now what, Nasir? You apologize, you admit you were afraid and everything's fine?

I shook my head violently "No, nothing wipes away what I did and nothing wipes away the years that I wasted wrecking something I ought to have been protecting but I'm not asking you to forget. I'm asking for an opportunity to earn something else. Not forgiveness, not yet but an opportunity to demonstrate that the connection between us isn't a chain and that it can be a choice. Our choice"

Her eyes were glistening with tears and I could see that I was teetering on the blade's edge. She could cut me apart in the next breath or let me advance one small step towards her and finally, her lips parted. "I don't know if I can trust you, Nasir. Not completely and maybe not for a very, very long time but a part of me" Her voice shook and her hand reaching out for the blanket like a lifeline "A part of me wants to try"

My wolf came alive, hope burning in both of us. Relief swept over me so fiercely I nearly fell. I dropped my head, throat raw "I'll take that even the smallest piece, i'll take what you can offer me"

I stood, intent on departing her territory and to show her I was serious when I said no more chains, no more shoving but her voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Wait"

I stood there, turning to her slowly.

Her gaze met mine, resolute despite her trembling hands "If we're going to try then no more walls and no more shutting me out in the interest of protecting me. If you're hurt, I know and if you're afraid, I know too. If you feel, I have a right to feel it with you. Do you understand?" I asked re-affirming

The command in her voice was silent but irremovable. Goddess, I loved her bravery and i bowed my head in submission and fidelity twisting together inside me "I understand"

Her eyes lingered on me for one beat longer, softer now before she turned away like exhausted even by this thin peace but for me, that single thread of hope was enough to remake the world.

I sat back down, unable to get up yet. My wolf was restless and ears perked like something tickled the edge of awareness.

Then a sound erupted, so small but my heightened senses caught it at once. A shuffle and a breath too close to be a servant passing by in the corridor.

I braced, my hand dropping automatically to the dagger belted at my thigh. Trinity picked up on it and her head swiveled toward me "What is it?"

I raised a hand, demanding silence. The sound was heard again, this time softer but unidentifiable. A presence in the hallway outside of her room.

I rose in a fluid motion, going to the door with all muscles on high tension. My wolf growled low and my arm hair stood on end.

Then the handle turned.