CHAPTER 12

Tobias sat next to Marietta’s bed watching her as she slept. Each time she tried to turn she whimpered in pain, and it cut right through him. Tobias didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He thought about leaving when Marietta started crying in her sleep. At first, he thought she was awake, but he called her name a couple of times, and she didn’t respond. He thought about getting into bed with her and holding her. He wanted to comfort her, but he was terrified he would only end up hurting her. So, he sat by her side and held her hand, his teeth grinding each time she moaned in pain.

Marietta woke up with a start. She was staring into his cold eyes, then a wave of pain washed through her, both from her memory and physically. She opened her eyes and met Jessie’s warm ones staring back at her. Marietta smiled but when she tried to lift her hand she couldn’t. Shifting her gaze, she saw her hand trapped in Tobias’ grip.

“How long has he been here?” Marietta looked at him, her eyes heavy with sleep. She felt so tired for a second, she didn’t think she was awake. But the pain in her back and her abdomen brought her back to reality. Her heart hurt too. She was shattered and staring into Tobias’ face wasn’t easing her pain. A tear trickled down her cheek as guilt slammed into her, how was she going to explain this one?

“He arrived a few minutes after they sedated you. He’s been here throughout, no bathroom or snack breaks. He just sat there holding your hand and staring at you.” Jessie stretched her aching body. The sofa hadn’t been comfortable, but it was the only place she could sleep without being disturbed by the hospital staff, “I, on the other hand had to get a burger.”

Marietta laughed but winced in pain, “Please don’t make me laugh.”

Jessie held onto to Marietta’s hand, the smile on her lips gone and the laughter in her eyes replaced by deep concern, “I was scared for a minute there. Especially when… when, they asked me what to do about the baby. I’m just glad he came when he did.”

“So, he knows?” She took a deep breath that seemed to tremble out of her when she exhaled. “What did he say?”

“I think he still can’t believe it. It might be the shock or the fact that you are as skinny as a pencil.”

A knot of nerves formed in Marietta’s throat. Her heart froze in her chest, she bit her lip then asked, “He doesn’t think the baby is his?”

“Can you blame him?”

“I don’t think I can.” Marietta smoothed her hand over her belly. She still couldn’t believe that she had been walking around all this while not knowing there was a life growing inside of her. Now that the baby was no longer there, she had this strange eddy feeling of emptiness and loss.

Deep in his sleep Tobias could hear voices. He shrugged them off until he swore, he could hear Marietta’s voice. He opened his eyes and lifted his head, but he saw Jessie. Then he heard Marietta’s voice. He whipped his head around and met her gaze. She looked exhausted and in physical pain. But the look in her eye that Marietta tried to cover with a withering smile, the pain of loss tore right through him. He rose and put his forehead against hers. Her skin was warm, warmer than it should be, like she was getting a fever. But it was the slight tremor that made him pull back and stare squarely into her face.

Should he say something? Should he give her a hug? Should he bring up the baby? He didn’t want to say anything about that until the doctor came and briefed both of them. The previous night he was too on edge to listen to the doctor. He remembered feeling like the only thing he wanted and needed was to be close to Marietta. So, without a word he pressed a kiss to her lips and lifted his lips in a grin.

“You scared me,” he whispered against her lips.

Tobias leaned into her palm as she cupped his face, turning ever so slightly to kiss into it. A chill shot through him when he remembered how motionless she was and how she whimpered in pain. Now she lay in an elevated bed smiling at him, but there was no laughter in her eyes.

Before she could say anything, the nurse walked in with a tray in her hands. She asked them to leave but Tobias refused. He knew that the nurse was going to clean her surgical wound. He had an idea of how it would look so he didn’t think it was something he had to run away from. But knowing and putting on a façade of bravery didn’t stop his stomach from churning.

“She feels a bit warm,” he put in.

The nurse touched Marietta’s forehead and nodded, “It’s nothing to be worried about but I’ll let the doctor know. Are you sure you don’t want to step outside?” The nurse gave a final warning before she tore off the plaster.

Tobias held his own until the second he heard Marietta cry out in pain, “I think I will wait outside.”

He heard Marietta chuckle as he ducked out.

“Couldn’t take it huh?”

“I’ll just go and get cleaned up. I’ll be back in a second.” Tobias rushed off.

Tobias returned a few minutes later. He had managed to get a clean shirt; a toothbrush and some teeth paste from the hospital shop. He got to Marietta’s room and hovered for a while. He knew the second he walked in they would have to talk about the baby, and he wasn’t too sure how to handle that topic. There was a lot of doubt in his mind, not because he didn’t trust Marietta but because he didn’t want to believe he had just lost a child. Tobias soon realized a small crowd of nurses were beginning to form around him. He gave them a polite nod then walked into the room.

Their eyes met and for a few seconds they just looked at each other. He skimmed his gaze over her, there was no physical evidence of the trauma she had just faced, but her eyes said it all.

“You are a wuss,” she teased, holding her hand out to him.

Tobias closed the gap between them with three large strides. He held her hand in his and rubbed a kiss against her soft skin, “I just can’t bear to see you in pain.” He cringed when the memories of the previous night flooded through his mind.

“What is it?” a frown on her lips.

“It’s nothing. I’m just glad you are okay.” He debated whether he should let her bring up the baby or if he should introduce the topic.

But the doctor walked in with the same subject in his mind. Tobias sat on the bed with Marietta his arm around her shoulder as he gathered her up against his side. It was as if he was bracing himself and her too for the impact they were about to get. He willed himself to be brazen, if not for himself then for Marietta who was now trembling at his side.

“You are healing quite nicely. The nurse told me about your worries, but it’s normal at this stage.” He cleared his throat realizing that there was no gracious way to introduce the next subject, “You were around twenty-five to twenty-seven weeks along. It’s common for women not to show. It just means that the placenta was in an abnormal position. He might have also been hiding under your rib cage. The reason you didn’t feel him kick might be the extra cushion the placenta had formed.” He sighed, “We are not quite sure but the doctors on this case think that he died on impact when the ladder landed on your back, or soon after your water broke. His heart just stopped beating.”

“His heart?” Tobias heard Marietta whisper, “You keep saying ‘he’.”

“It was a boy.” The doctor nodded.

Marietta burst into a storm of tears and Tobias held her even tighter as he tried to keep his own emotions at bay. “What are you going to do with him?”

“That depends on you.” Tobias noticed the doctors flickering gaze of concern towards Marietta. He had no doubt that the doctor was thinking about sedating her once more.

“Can we take him and bury him.” Tobias asked.

“Sure.” The doctor gave Marietta a final glance then left.

“It’s my fault. I should have known. I didn’t know I swear.”

Tobias didn’t respond to anything she said. He just held her tighter and rocked her. He was sure that she had cried for a solid hour. He didn’t dare leave her side, but when Jessie returned, he thought he could get a moment to himself.

“Could you sit with her?” his voice trembled out.

“Sure.” Her voice was as low as his, “Peter, McKenzie and your parents are here.”

Tobias gave an exasperated sigh, “Fine, call me when she wakes up. I’ll just be outside.”

Tobias stepped out and all the strength he had when he was with Marietta escaped him. His emotions sent him to his knees. He leaned back on the wall, buried his face in his hands and cried. He felt as if his soul was being ripped out. Not caring who was watching he let the pain that squeezed his heart sound out through his lips. His mother’s arms were around him as he watched his father’s lips move. He could hear Peter’s and McKenzie’s voices, but he couldn’t hear what they were saying. The only thing he heard were Marietta’s heart wrenching cries and he felt useless and powerless.

“She’s a strong girl.” Tobias finally heard McKenzie say.

But before he had time to register everything else everyone was saying, Jessie crouched at his side, “She’s awake, and she’s… I don’t know what she is. She’s not crying but I can see the tears in her eyes. She’s just staring out the window with this blank expression on her face. I can’t… I can’t-,”

“It’s fine.” Tobias said as he wiped the tears off his face, trying to scrub the few seconds of crying he had managed to get in. He stood up with the help of a million other hands. It was a good thing they all had their hands on him because he rocked back unsteadily as if he was about to fall.

“You should have a seat.” Edward Spencer, his father said.

Tobias stared at him and thought of how he had always tried to get away from his father’s shadow. But at that moment all he wanted was his father to hold him. He stepped into his father’s embrace and resigned himself to the fact that he would never be able to hold his son the same way his father was holding him.

“It was a boy,” he whispered.

“You need to be strong.” His mother, Elizabeth, said. “You need to be strong for her. You need to eat something.”

“I can’t. I have to go back inside.” Tobias shook his shoulders as if to bring his body back to life. “Were you able to reach Chris?”

“Yes, this morning. He’s coming as soon as he can.” McKenzie answered.

“I know you all want to see her, but I don’t know if she’s going to be up for it. Maybe later?” Tobias’ voice cracked with emotion as he walked away from his family.

“I’ll take care of the arrangements,” he heard his father say.

When he got back in the room, he watched Marietta and, apart from her rising and falling chest, she didn’t move. Her eyes darted towards him for a second, but she quickly looked away. She was trying to hide from him, but he wouldn’t let her. He climbed into bed with her and gently pulled her into his side.

“You want to cry?” he asked, and she shook her head, “What do you want to do?” She didn’t answer so he went on, “Do you want to talk to anyone?”

****

Marietta shook her head. She had been handling her losses on her own. She didn’t need to bounce how she felt off anyone. She could handle it on her own. But it was a lot easier having Tobias with her, together they could soak in the emotional overload and somehow get each other to the other side.

“Jessie told me your parents are here, Peter and McKay too,” she finally said.

“They wanted to see you, but I told them to wait.” He kissed the back of her neck and combed his fingers into her tight bun.

“It’s fine, I’ll see them.” She felt him begin to shift and grabbed his hand, “Don’t leave, okay?”

“I’ll be right here.” Tobias opened the door for the writing group but only let them in after a stern instruction, “Five minutes only and no one brings up the baby.”

Marietta stiffened a smile. He was looking out for her. She knew that he probably thought she wouldn’t be able to hear him, but she was glad she had.

She sat up and tried to look like she wasn’t at the edge of death, though that was how she felt. When Tobias moved to her side and took her hand, she felt like the air of strength that she was assuming might just hold up.