Chapter 31 Sorry is a start
I remained seated, watching Cardan gather his papers. When the last of the lords had filed out, he looked up.
"That was clever," he said. "Using her own logic against her."
"I wasn't trying to be clever. I was trying to be practical."
"Practical and clever are often the same thing." He paused. "Elowyn will not forgive you for this."
"Elowyn has never forgiven me for anything. I' am not concerned."
"You should be. She's dangerous."
"So am I."
We looked at each other across the table. The tension from breakfast was still there, crackling beneath the surface, but something else was there too. Something that might have been respect.
"I meant what I said," I told him. "About the marriage alliance. It is a good idea."
"I know. But I can't force my sister to marry against her will. I am not my father."
"No," I agreed. "You're not."
I rose and walked away before either of us could say anything else.
\-———————————————
Back in my chambers, I collapsed onto the sofa and started laughing.
"I can't believe it," I said, tears streaming down my face. "I can't believe I suggested she marry a human. Did you see her face? I thought she was going to spontaneously combust."
"It was a bold move," Liriel agreed, pouring me a glass of wine. "Very bold."
"Very reckless," Thalia added.
"Very entertaining," Sera finished. "I wish I'd been there."
Ash rumbled in agreement from his pillow.
"She's going to try to kill me now," I said, still laughing. "Properly, I mean. Not just the political maneuvering and the social sabotage. Actual assassination."
"Almost certainly," Liriel agreed. "We shall increase your food tasters."
"I don't have food tasters."
"You do now."
A knock at the door cut through our laughter. Thalia answered it, then turned back with a carefully neutral expression.
"Your Majesty," she said. "The King requests your presence in his chambers."
The laughter died in my throat.
\-————————————-
Cardan's chambers were darker than I remembered.
The curtains were drawn against the evening light. The fire was low. The massive bed, still cold, still hard, still untouched since our wedding night, dominated the room.
Cardan stood by the window, his back to me. He had changed out of his formal attire into something simpler. A dark tunic. No crown. His bronze hair was loose, falling past his shoulders.
"You wanted to see me," I said.
He turned. His silver eyes were tired. Haunted, almost.
"I've been thinking about what you said. About our marriage. About the Oath."
"What about it?"
"The High Priestess was right. We need to consummate this marriage. The longer we delay, the more unstable the magic becomes. The northern wards are already flickering. I suppose that is a sign...." He paused. "If we don't fulfill the terms of the Oath, both our realms will suffer."
I crossed my arms. "So this is about duty."
"It is about survival."
"Same thing, in your vocabulary."
He flinched. "Nyx..."
"Don't." I stepped further into the room. "Don't pretend this is anything other than what it is. You've ignored me for weeks. You've left me alone in this court. You've let your sister humiliate me. And now you're asking me to share your bed because the oath demands it?"
"I'm not only asking you to share my bed. I'm asking you to move back into these chambers. To sleep beside me. To let the court see that we are..." He struggled for the word. "Unified."
"Unified. That's a very diplomatic way of saying 'pretend to be married.'"
"We are married."
"On paper. In an oath. But not in any way that matters." I met his eyes. "You don't want me, Cardan. You've made that abundantly clear."
His jaw tightened. "I never said that."
"You didn't have to."
The silence stretched between us. Outside, the sun was setting over Aurelia Prime, painting the sky in shades of amber and rose.
"The Oath requires consummation," Cardan said quietly. "I'm not asking you to love me. I'm not asking you to pretend this is a real marriage. But we need to...."
"To what? Lie in the same bed? Pretend we're something we're not?" I shook my head. "I have spent my entire life pretending for this court. I have worn their gowns and smiled their smiles and bowed my head while they called me a monster. I will not pretend in my own bed."
"Then what do you suggest?"
"I don't know." I turned away. "I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who I am in this place. I used to know. In Hel, I knew exactly who I was. Here, I'm just... a reflection of whatever the court wants me to be. Consort. Queen. Monster. Wife. I'm none of those things. I'm all of them." I closed my eyes. "I'm tired, Cardan."
I felt him move closer. His hand touched my shoulder, hesitant, uncertain.
"I'm tired too," he said. "I've been tired since the day my father died and left me this crown. I didn't ask for this. Neither did you. But we are here. And we have to survive it."
I turned to face him. In the dying light, his silver eyes looked almost human.
"You want me to move back into your chambers," I said.
"Yes."
"You want us to share a bed."
"Yes."
"And you want the court to believe our marriage is real."
He hesitated. "Yes."
I studied him. The sharp lines of his face. The shadows beneath his eyes. The way he was looking at me, like he was seeing me for the first time.
"I have new conditions," I said.
"Name them."
"First, you stop ignoring me in public. If we're going to pretend to be unified, we actually have to be seen together. You have to act like I exist."
"Agreed."
"Second, you start listening to me in council meetings. My opinions. My suggestions. I am not a decoration. I am your Queen. I deserve to be heard."
He hesitated. Then: "Agreed."
"Third." I took a breath. "You tell me the truth. About everything. The loans. The borders. Your sister. Whatever secrets this court is hiding, I want to know them. You trust me with the truth, or this doesn't work."
"That's a dangerous condition."
"I'm a dangerous woman."
For a long moment, he just looked at me. Then, slowly, he nodded.
"Agreed."
"Then I'll move back into your chambers. But I'm not promising anything beyond that. The consummation happens when I'm ready. Not before."
"Agreed."
"And Cardan?"
"Yes?"
"If you ever make me feel like a fool again, I will not be so forgiving. Do you understand?"
His jaw tightened. "I understand."
"Good." I stepped back. "I'll have my things moved in tomorrow."
I walked to the door.
"Nyx."
I paused.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "For Freya. For the silence. For all of it."
I didn't turn around.
"Sorry is a start," I said. "But it's not enough. Not yet."
I left him standing in the darkness of his chambers, the weight of our broken marriage pressing down on both of us.