Chapter 13 Ashamed
LEITANA
“No, no… mi can’t wear this,” I whispered from behind the closet door, clutching the edge of the gown so tightly the fabric wrinkled in my hands.
The maids outside giggled, voices light and teasing. “My lady, it’s perfect! The master will be speechless when he sees you!”
“Mi not want him speechless!” I said quickly, peeking out a little, only to pull back again when I saw their amused faces. “This dress too… too small! Too open, you people sure this for church women?”
That only made them laugh harder. “It’s for the ball, my lady, not church!” one of them said, covering her mouth. “You’ll look like a star tonight.”
“Star?” I muttered, turning to face the mirror.
My breath caught the moment my eyes met my reflection. The gown shimmered faintly under the golden lights, soft, golden fabric that clung to my body in ways I didn’t expect. The neckline dipped low, showing more of my chest than I had ever shown before. Papa God, I thought, my hand flying to the little cross on my rosary. Mi never see my skin like this.
The dress hugged my waist, flowing down into silk that split high on one side, showing my thigh when I shifted. And the back, oh Lord, the back was open, bare all the way down to the small of my spine.
I turned slightly, blushing so hard my face burned. “Papa God,” I whispered again, “why this dress so... shameful? If sisters from orphanage see me now, they go faint.”
My rosary rested over my chest, the silver crucifix shining against the smooth fabric. I touched it gently, fingers trembling.
The maids giggled.
“Lady Avery, I'm sure you look beautiful!” one said.
“Like a real queen,” another added.
But I couldn’t believe it. I touched the smooth fabric over my stomach, then the rosary at my neck. “Beautiful?” I whispered. “No… mi look like… sinner.”
Still, my heart beat too fast, and I didn’t understand why. Today was the night that person said we go to the ball. I hadn’t seen him since this morning. The ladies said he went to work but the way he’d spoken before leaving, letting me talk, letting me laugh even a little… Papa God, it made my heart warm just thinking of it.
And now, as I looked at myself, I blushed harder. The thought of seeing him tonight, of him looking at me in this gown made my knees weak.
“Papa God,” I whispered, voice small, “why mi heart beat so?”
I looked away from the mirror, pressing my hand to my chest. “That person, my husband, He scare me sometimes… but he no hurt me. His words… they bad sometimes, but he not cruel like Mama and Papa. Why…do i feel this way?”
My voice softened further . “Why do I want to see him again today? Mi never feel like this before.”
I stared at the cross hanging from my rosary, eyes stinging with confusion. “Papa God, why you not talk to mi since mi leave Vanuatu? Everything here so strange—big house, strange people and life, all this cold air. Mi try pray, but you silent.”
My own voice trembled, the island lilt thick in my throat. “Mi still your girl, you know. Mi still believe.”
The words came out smaller, breaking into a whisper. “Please, talk to mi, Papa God. Mi so lost.”
The maids were still giggling softly, calling for me to come out, saying I looked beautiful. I wanted to answer them, but my throat felt tight, my chest heavy. I took a shaky breath and wiped my eyes quickly with the back of my hand. I needed to stop crying, needed to breathe…
Then I heard it.
A deep voice, firm and heavy as thunder, from the other side of the door.
“What’s going on in there?”
My head snapped up. My heart leapt so hard it almost hurt.
“Where’s my wife?”
The laughter died instantly. The maids went silent. The whole room felt like it stopped breathing.
I froze, my fingers going cold, my pulse jumping in my throat.
Then the door creaked open.
He stepped inside.
Ravial.
Tall, too tall, broad shoulders filling the space like he owned every inch of air in the room. Dressed in black, eyes blindfolded. When his covered gaze swept across the room and found me, I forgot how to breathe.
I looked up. Then up again. And still up. My chest tightened the longer I stared. He looked so strong, so alive, so… beautiful. The thought shamed me, and I looked away quickly, feeling heat rush to my cheeks.
“R…Ravial,” I managed, my voice breaking.
He took one slow step forward, the sound of his boots echoing softly against the floor. The maids curtsied, heads bowed. But his eyes never left me.
“What’s this?” he asked, his voice quiet but sharp. “Hiding from me?”
I shook my head fast, clutching the gown tighter against my chest. “Mi just… mi not ready. Dress not proper. Too revealing. Not…”
Before I could finish, he was already in front of me.
His shadow covered me completely. The air around him carried something dark, spice and smoke and something faintly metallic I couldn’t name. My breath caught in my throat.
Then his hand came around my waist.
I gasped, every muscle in my body tensing. His touch wasn’t rough, but firm, steady, warm in a way that made my heart pound faster.
“Little lamb,” he murmured, voice soft but deep.
My lips parted. “Mi… mi not lamb.”
His mouth curved slightly, almost smiling. “No? Then what are you?”
I looked down, not knowing what to say. His hand still rested against my waist, and it felt like the world had shrunk to that one point of contact. My pulse thundered in my ears.
“I asked a question,” he said, quieter this time, but his tone wrapped around me like silk.
“Mi…” I swallowed, my fingers clutching my rosary. “Mi… woman of God.”
His brow lifted slightly, eyes glinting with something unreadable, half amusement, half something else. “And yet God seems to have sent you to me.”
I breathed in sharply, whispering under my breath, “Papa God…”
He leaned closer, his voice brushing against my ear. “Do you always talk to Him when I’m near?”
I blinked fast, not sure if I should answer.
“Only when mi scared,” I whispered finally.
He studied me for a long moment, and I couldn’t tell if he was angry or… something gentler. Then he spoke, his voice low. “Then you must pray often.”
I bit my lip, not knowing whether he meant to tease me or protect me. But when his fingers brushed my hair back behind my shoulder, gentle, almost careful, my heart gave a flutter I couldn’t stop.
Then his hand pulled me closer, pressing my body against the hard ridge of his chest, every muscle beneath his clothes tense and solid. My heart slammed against my ribs, beating so fast it hurt.
“I can hear your heart racing, “woman of God”,” he murmured, his voice low and mocking. “Are you afraid I’ll defile you, slaughter the lamb of God?”
His rough palm dragged slowly across the bare skin of my back, and a shiver tore through me, sharp and wild. Goosebumps chased his touch, and I disliked that it wasn’t just fear causing them. It was something else. Something that made my breath hitch and my pulse quicken, a strange, electric thrill my body had never felt before.
His hand trailed upward, fingers grazing higher, and I trembled harder. My hand moved on its own, clutching at his chest. My eyes fluttered shut as his breath brushed my face, hot and slow, while his hand continued its slow, possessive climb toward my neck.
“You’re so attuned to touch,” he whispered, his tone curling around me like smoke. “Or is it just my touch, little lamb?”
Before I could answer, his fingers tangled in my hair and yanked my head back, forcing a sharp gasp from me. My eyes snapped open, tears burning the corners.
My breath trembled as his grip tightened. The sound that escaped me wasn’t only from pain—it was from the heat that flooded me so suddenly, so fiercely, I thought I might collapse beneath it.
“Ravial…” My voice came out small, trembling. “Why mi body feel like this?”
He tilted his head slightly, and though the blindfold covered his eyes, I could feel his gaze on me, heavy, knowing. His mouth curved faintly, the ghost of a smile that wasn’t kind.
“Like what, little lamb?”
I swallowed hard, the words tangling on my tongue. “Mi chest so hot… mi heart beating fast. Mi hands—” I looked down at where my fingers were still pressed against his chest, unable to move them. “Mi can’t breathe right. It wrong?”
He gave a low, deep chuckle that rumbled against my palm. “Wrong?” he repeated softly. “No, Leitana. That’s your body remembering it’s alive, it's desires.”
Alive.
Desires.
The words struck something deep inside me. For so long, life had meant prayer, quiet chores, the cold floor of the orphanage chapel. No one had ever told me that feeling could burn.
“But mi scared,” I whispered. “If it not wrong, then why mi feel ashamed?”
He leaned closer and nipped my bottom lips with his teeth, and I shuddered . “Because the world you came from taught you to fear what you don’t understand.”
My eyes stung, my thoughts spinning. “Then what you teaching mi now?”
“I’m not teaching you anything, my little lamb,” he growled. “I’m going to corrupt you inside and out, mark my name within you until you no longer know your beginning or my end
.”
My eyes went wide at his cold promise, and before I could even draw a breath, he closed the space between us and crushed his lips against mine.