Chapter 19

Cujo stared at me, the black pits of her eyes locked on for her judgement. I deserved that and a lot more, so I let it happen. She sat there on Cathy’s lap, getting pet, thinking I was a dumbass. Which felt fair.

“You don’t look surprised,” I said to Cathy.

She shrugged lightly. “I’m not.”

“About which part?”

“I am not surprised that you guys kissed, nor am I surprised that you bolted in terror. I expected as much.”

I frowned, tilting my head down so I could stare daggers at the floor. I had nothing to say to defend myself. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Don’t feel bad about it. I know exactly why you did it. And if you want me to explain it to you, I can.”

Still frowning, I glanced back up again. “Is it gonna hurt?”

“Probably. It doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t hear it.”

I gestured to her. “Hit me then.”

Cathy set Cujo aside on the bed, and she rolled over the second her mama stopped touching her. Cathy rolled her eyes, called her a couple names, and then rubbed her belly.

“All right,” Cathy started. “You have a thing for Poe, which makes sense, because he’s a cutie. But you’re a neurotic mess of a person—that I love by the way, so shut the hell up—and that makes your life a little hard. In your head, you’re probably assuming Poe regrets the kiss, or he lost his mind, or some other sad shit. Like wondering why he likes you at all, despite the fact that you’re lovely, and pretty, and everyone you meet likes you, if you haven’t noticed.”

I didn’t notice, because it wasn’t true. I had two friends, and people didn’t enjoy my company. Peter said I wasn’t made to be around people, and he liked that we had it in common. We spent so many Saturdays in my room because of it.

“You got most of that right,” I admitted.

“All of it,” Cathy muttered under her breath.

“But it changes nothing.”

“Oh, I know. You’re gonna be a crazy ass and sit there, all sad when you could be spending time with a boy you’re into, all because you don’t think you should be into him. I bet it’ll be awkward tomorrow when you have to get your phone back from him.”

Yeah, I left it on his dresser when we made out. Which was a sentence I shouldn’t have been able to say.

“I feel like a terrible person,” I said. “I got so pissy with Peter for moving on quickly. If I do the same thing, what does that make me?”

Cathy blinked, and then stared at her dog while she rubbed her temples. “I mean, where do I start?” She looked back to me. “Don’t base when you move on, on anyone else. Only you can decide when you’re ready. You fall in and out of love, get new people in your life, and that’s how it is. Don’t feel guilty for being a person and moving on. Peter had a new girl in a couple weeks. It’s been months now. So not the same. Even if it was, fuck it. Be happy, because what’s the point of being alive if you’re going to be sad all the time? Especially if you’re choosing to be sad because you think you have to.”

I couldn’t make sense of anything in my brain. I understood that my reasoning wasn’t exactly on point, but it felt right. If me and Poe started up something so soon after I broke up with Peter, then wasn’t I just as bad as him? I’d been replaced, and I didn’t want to make Poe feel like he was only something to fill a gap or distract myself with.

“What if Poe thinks I’m trying to make Peter jealous?”

Cathy sighed, and gave Cujo another rub on her tummy. “If Poe thought that, I don’t think he would have kissed you back. He’s a good guy, and he wouldn’t have done something that was either taking advantage or letting himself get used.”

But Poe was kind, and sweet to me. He knew how fragile I could be, and he wouldn’t have wanted to do anything that could have hurt me even more. “Maybe it was just us both losing our minds for a minute. Didn’t mean anything.”

Cathy threw a pillow at my face and gave me a second to recover. “No, dummy. That is not what—” Cujo walked around Cathy, licked her hand, and then plopped down between us, exposing her belly. My friend sighed and started petting her again. “Anyway… That’s not what this is. You like him, right? Like in a romantical way?”

“Well…yeah.”

She smiled. “Thought so. You like him, he likes you, so you can see what happens.”

“I don’t know Poe likes me.”

She stared hard at me and stopped petting the dog. That got Cujo glaring at me too. “He put his tongue in your mouth.”

“So?”

“He brought you over to his bed and rubbed his junk against you.”

“So…?”

“Was lil Poe… How do I put this for your delicate ears?” Cathy scratched her head. “Um, at attention?”

I blushed. “I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.”

I had a feeling Cathy wanted to wrap her hands around my throat and throttle me, but she held back with a puff of air out of her mouth. “Are we gonna do this? Really? Fine then. Was he hard?”

I should have seen that coming. “I mean…yeah.”

“Then I’m gonna take a wild guess and say he was into it. It wasn’t some pity thing or kissing you back so that your feelings didn’t get hurt. Poe has a thing for you.”

Boys reacted certain ways to things, and it didn’t make me special that it happened with Poe. Of course, I wouldn’t say that out loud, because Cathy would have beaten me and tried to make logical points.

“I feel…” I started. “I feel like everything is going to fall apart. I’ve loved a sad person before and look what happened. Things are hard all the time, and then they decide they’re better off without me around.”

Cathy took my hand. She ignored the dog licking her and said, “I understand that you’re scared. It makes sense, and it’s not a bad thing to be cautious. But not every man is like Peter. They’re not all selfish cowards. Some people can carry their brokenness without letting it hurt others.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. You held Peter together the best you could, and you didn’t crumble. You deserve more credit for that than you get. You still hurt, but you had no one to talk to about it. Instead, you took care of him.”

“It didn’t work. He’s still broken, and I sucked at making him feel better.”

“You tried as hard as you could, and it’s not your fault he wouldn’t accept comfort. That’s not on you. This thing with Poe, isn’t about Peter. So don’t let him affect your choices.”

I pulled my hand away from Cathy, because I didn’t want to be touched. “I’ll ruin it,” I said with a trembling voice. “I’ll ruin this. I have a friend, and he makes everything feel better. I’ll be too much for him too, and then what? God, there’s only so much I can take before I can’t get up again. How many times am I supposed to get abandoned before I quit? Do I have to invite it?”

Cathy got my attention back in a moment. “Breathe. Don’t have a panic attack. Listen to me.” Her eyes stayed on mine, with more focus than I thought she would have. “Not. Everyone. Is. Peter. Not everyone leaves people, and they’re not always so cruel about it. Poe has known from the beginning that you’re hurting. We both watched you break down when you beat the hell out of those boxes. We knew what we were getting with you, and guess what?”

I said nothing.

“We stayed. I can’t speak for Poe, but I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens, I’ll be here, and you can talk to me. You’re not alone, and you won’t be again. Take a second and let that make you feel better.”

I tried, but I didn’t believe her. “How long do you think you’ll want to deal with this from me? How many times can you watch me have a breakdown over someone who I shouldn’t pay any mind to? How long can you watch me flip flop like a crazy person?”

Instantly, and with certainty, she said, “For as long as you breakdown, and as long as you flip flop. If I thought I wouldn’t last, then I wouldn’t have tried to start with.”

I stared at the neutral pattern of her bedding, not wanting to have to look at her face. “Peter said I was too much to take care of.”

“Yeah, well he didn’t actually take care of you. His opinion doesn’t matter. I’m here. Poe is here. We’ll give you what you need.”

I needed a moment, so I ran my fingers through my hair, and watched my heels click together as they hung off the edge of the bed. While I didn’t think Cathy lied to me, I had that voice in the back of my head that told me I wasn’t worth the effort. If Peter loved me and couldn’t handle it, why would anyone else have done better?

“I won’t tell you what to do about Poe,” Cathy said. “Because I think you need to decide for yourself, and you shouldn’t be pushed. But while I want you to know that I wouldn’t judge you for anything you chose, you shouldn’t reject Poe because he’s got issues. That’s not fair to him.”

No, it wasn’t fair to him. It didn’t change the facts. “What am I supposed to do here? Two sad people don’t make a good couple.”

“Says who?”

“Says everything I’ve been through.”

Cathy scratched her temple, her expression a thoughtful one. “Poe is hurting, but in case you haven’t noticed, he doesn’t really let that touch you and me. Save for a few pouty days, which you’ve had too, by the way.”

I knew that already. “Peter had pouty days too. Days where I had to walk on eggshells, and I felt useless because I couldn’t do anything.”

“That’s fair,” Cathy said. “But what happens when Poe is upset? Think about it for a second.”

I did, because the answer popped up with ease. The last time I remembered Poe being especially melancholy, I’d sat down at the lunch table with him. He took my hand and smiled anyway. He was hurting but tried to act normal despite that. I didn’t know if I could count that in the good or bad column.

“He tries,” I said. “Tries to ignore it.”

Cathy lifted an eyebrow, and Cujo rolled over again. “You don’t know that’s what he’s doing, and you don’t get to assume as much. Just because he doesn’t focus all his energy on being sad, like your pussy ass ex, doesn’t mean he ignores it. It means that Poe wants more from his life than to dwell in the things he can’t fix. That’s a good thing.”

I nodded, taking a breath. “I guess I have some things to figure out.”

“You don’t have to do that today. Take your time. Poe won’t mind.”

Of course he wouldn’t have minded. That boy was more than I deserved. Still, proving it further, I said something awful. “I thought I would be with Peter for the rest of my life. I can’t get past that.”

Cathy nodded. “I know.”

***

I knew I couldn’t have escaped it, so I didn’t bother trying. I sat at our normal table on Monday morning, and Poe found me only a minute later. He set my phone on the table and sat down.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I responded.

What did you say to a guy you made out with? There wasn’t a good choice, and I had a hard time looking at his face. The problem being, I would have liked to kiss him again. I wanted lots of things, and I could only think about what I’d spoiled, and lost. Poe probably wouldn’t hold my hand anymore or want to give me rides home. We wouldn’t spend time together, and our friendship would only feel weird. I waited for him to tell me we shouldn’t see each other anymore. It seemed fair. Or, I could get lucky and we could pretend the kiss never happened.

“I’m into you,” Poe said, literally out of nowhere.

All I could do was stare at him with wide eyes.

“In case you needed to hear it. Cathy warned me that you’ve got that thing in your brain that tries to convince you that no one actually likes you. I do. A lot. As a friend and in the other way. I wanted to lay that all out there.”

I opened my mouth to say something similar, but I stopped myself when I heard a voice. Happier without you. How long would it take before Poe realized that I was a waste of time? Forever doomed to be miserable, and not fit with everyone else? I didn’t want to be another lead weight on someone I loved, and especially not on him. I didn’t want to hear the words happier without you leave his mouth. I wouldn’t have been able to stand it.

“I don’t know what to do,” I told him.

“You don’t have to do anything,” Poe promised. “You don’t have to give me a reason you don’t want to be with me. No hard feelings.”

“No!” I said quickly. “It isn’t…it’s not like that.”

“Would you mind me asking what it is then? Because you can imagine what’s been running through my head. Ya know, other than being pretty happy that I finally got to kiss you. God knows I’ve been trying.”

My eyebrows popped up. “Have you?”

Poe squinted at me. “I tried to kiss you in the ice cream shop, first off. I was under the impression that you saw past my pathetic excuse and took pity on me.”

I shook my head, unable to keep from smiling. “No, wouldn’t have assumed you actually wanted to kiss me.”

Poe rolled his eyes. “I’m not surprised. Nevertheless, I was hoping you would go on that date with me.”

Oh my god, he’d asked me out on a date before, and I seriously didn’t put together that he liked me. Moron didn’t cover it. “You want to date me?” I hadn’t been positive, but assuming might have been stupid.

“You seem surprised,” Poe said. “Which only makes me want to assure you even further how much I like you. I’m open to heading back to my place for more making out.”

The idea of ditching school to go spend time together sounded utterly wonderful, but I’d made this choice already. “I’m a mess,” I admitted. “My head is all screwed up with things I can’t get past. Like how Peter and I made all these promises to each other. They all fell through. I know I’m supposed to love someone else one day, but it’s so hard to picture. I feel like I’m doing something wrong.”

Poe swallowed, but nodded. “I understand.”

“Really? Because it doesn’t make sense to me. I hate him right now, but it’s stuck in my head. I don’t know how I can feel secure in anything anymore. The surest thing in my life fell apart, and everything I had planned, is gone.”

My hands started shaking again, and I gripped the bottom of my sweater to keep them steady. It didn’t work. Poe put his hands on my thighs, just above my knees. He told me to breathe, and I got really sick of everyone saying that to me.

“You’ll be okay,” he said.

“It doesn’t feel like anything is going to be okay. It wasn’t to start with.”

“I know. Believe me anyway.”

Cathy appeared before I could say anything, but she sat down silently. Poe let go of me when I went to stand up. The room started filling with more students, and I got uncomfortable with the touching. People flooded through the hall and into the seating area, many of them already at the tables.

“Are you leaving?” Poe asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t, I don’t know. I don’t want to be here anymore. Can someone take me home?”

Both Cathy and Poe jumped on it, and I didn’t want to say no to either. Maybe they would have been willing to take me together and stay for a little while. Such an odd feeling, wanting to be alone, and terrified of it at the same time.

Poe picked up my backpack for me, and I got up from the table first. I got a single step in before I saw a boy coming toward me. I didn’t recognize him, but that didn’t mean much with a school that size. I thought he needed to get past me, so I wanted to move out of the way and avoid confrontation. I was not in his way.

Half a second before I could take a step, his fist connected with my face.