Chapter 180

"You’re saying they...?” “They can die. Not locked up, because there’s no place in the world that would want to see us alive. We’d be killed the moment they knew where we were, who we were, and what we did.” His voice was a mix of negative emotions. “They die. And believe me, Emilia, the last thing I want is to see their bodies. I’d rather die than see that happen.” He kept walking, disappearing into the horizon. His words made sense. The realization of his pain shifted my world. It wasn’t for him. It wasn’t about him. It was because of his comrades. Because he knew that if each of them started looking beyond revenge, it would bring consequences to their lives. They would surrender, fall into deep depression, end up dying for themselves or for others. Revenge made them strong, but without it, they were mere mortals. And deep down, I saw something in Dante. I saw what I never thought I’d be capable of. Love. Dante loved each of the men who followed him.

***

Anatomy class was a cliff for my friend. It was one of the subjects that demanded the most from me and drove me crazy. The last two hours had focused on the brain. A relatively mediocre organ, yet it held a position that nothing else in the universe held as much relevance in our eyes. Studying neuroanatomy always made me think about how humans were considered rational, yet characterized by going to extremes in their atrocities. How, even with all the hemispheres of their brains functioning, especially the left one that materialized our reasoning, the perverse and repulsive side took root and formed a filthy essence. I wanted to understand. I wanted to know what was behind it, yet the answers would frighten me. Perhaps they weren't complex enough to raise doubts. They acted naturally. They loved. They hated. They rejoiced. They became sad too. The casualness of any dying soul frightened me. The cruel walked in society. They were integrated, masked as perfect citizens. But inside, calamity lived within them. A fucked-up side had awakened in the core of their being. And that terrified me. Because, no matter how we coded humans, creating reasons for how our brains worked, we would never truly know ourselves, even if we lived our own existence. My mind wandered as I dragged myself through the college hallway. I was exhausted. I just wanted to get home and rest. However, my body ached at the thought that I would have to wait for the bus, stop at the last stop, and walk through the forest to find peace. Damn. Dante lived too far away. What saved me was thinking that in a few months, it would all be over. My birthday would come, and his death would come too. Then, I would be free. However, thinking about what the inheritance really was and what the hell that map was still remained open questions. From what it seemed, Dante was searching for the Section with everything he could. Before I headed for the main door of the Health building, Penelope's blonde hair caught my attention. However, it was Van Doren who made me raise my eyebrows and change my route. They both sensed my presence, turning their heads simultaneously and assessing my escape. "Hello, friend!" Penelope greeted, waving her hand happily. I was pissed off. "Hi! Cole, I need to talk to you." He looked at me furtively. "No, you don't," he replied, and I narrowed my eyes. "I do." "As far as I know, we haven’t talked in five years," he said, through clenched teeth, clearly holding back his anger. “It’s never too late for a chat with my childhood friend,” I mocked, watching his cheeks redden. “Or do you want me to open my mouth and say what I shouldn’t?” His attention was momentary, especially when he wrapped his hand around my arm and yanked me abruptly down the corridor toward the exterior. I couldn’t face Penelope. I’d deal with her later, but my priorities were elsewhere. “Do you. Want. To die?” he growled as soon as I freed myself from his hand. Cole hadn’t left his aggressiveness over the years. “I don’t share my morbid thoughts with anyone.” “Damn it, if you dare to say anything that compromises us, I’ll kill you. I don’t care if Dante wants to protect your ass. I’ll take you out, got it?” “Then don’t act like a saint to my best friend,” I countered. “I don’t want any of the people I care about near you.” “Tell your friend, not me.” I exhaled heavily and crossed my arms. “You know she likes you,” I stated, and his eye roll was the right response. “And do you like her?” “Of course not, damn it!” “Then why the hell are you leading Penelope on?!” “Are you stupid or just pretending?” he spat. “I’m not a Buddha. If you think anyone in our group is, you’re sorely mistaken. We live just like you do.” “I get that, but you’re putting my friend in danger the moment you get involved with her! She likes you!” “Keep your voice down, damn it,” he murmured violently. “I don’t care if she likes me. I couldn’t care less, but I have a life, Gray.” “She’s not in danger as long as she doesn’t know who I am.” “If she finds out, she dies.” Cole’s mouth twitched. “And I’ll take great pleasure in killing her, just like I will in taking her to my bed.” My hand burned with the urge to slap his face, but it would draw attention, and if Penelope knew, I wouldn’t be able to make up a plausible excuse. She wasn’t stupid. She read between the lines and could easily identify any anomaly. I couldn’t afford to put a target on my best friend’s back. “You’re disgusting. All of you.” His nasal laugh was short. “We? Don’t pretend you’re not wishing for the captain when you know he sleeps soundly knowing he killed your family and ruined your life.” His truths altered the beats of my heart. I had to control myself to avoid showing emotions that might trigger what shouldn’t happen. “You’re worse than us, Gray. You want what’s wrong.” “Are you telling me you don’t?” “We believe it’s right. Everything we do is justice. You condemn it and still want it. It’s different.” I crushed my fingers against the fabric of my coat, creating a tense line from my mouth. “You’re an idiot. The day I desire Dante, you can bury me,” I declared, ready to walk away. “You have no idea how happy I’ll be doing that.” “Stay away from her,” I threatened. “Or I’ll end you.” “You wouldn’t dare.” The curve of my lips was slow and dangerous enough that I didn’t need to respond. I went on my way, pulling out my phone and quickly typing to Penelope that I needed to talk to Cole about Health matters. It wasn’t the best I had, but I’d come up with something more believable by tomorrow. The journey home took longer than I expected. The fact that I kept pondering what Cole had said was driving me crazy. I didn’t desire Dante. All I had to offer that bastard was the repulsion of his actions. And all he had to offer me was a never-ending list of corpses. I wouldn’t go to Hell with him. I’d be the one holding the gates and lighting his fire so he could burn. I couldn’t desire someone I would eventually have to kill. When I got home, my mind was a cliff. Any thought made me fall into a spiral of doubts. About what I was really doing. About what I wanted to fight for. Being in that house awakened parts of me that I was starting to hate. I couldn’t want Dante. It was impossible. But I allowed Dante to consume me. I allowed him to take over my judgment. Take over who I was and who I could be. I sighed, sitting up from the bed where I had been lying since I got home. I stared at the violin wrapped in the small shelf. I stopped playing and reading Shakespeare after the Day of Punishment. I wanted to tear out what he had done to me and leave no trace. But Dante could. He played and read as if none of that had been part of our story. Maybe that was it. Maybe I needed to water new roots. I stood up in a rush, grabbing the violin and quietly leaving the house. I was trembling. My nerves were reacting on my skin from the momentary courage. I hadn’t played in four years. I didn’t even know if I could play like before, but maybe it was something I needed. Once I found a corner in the forest, far from home and away from anyone’s ears, I opened the case. Holding a violin was a slow adaptation, exploring the material and locking my fingers on the bow brought a tactile satisfaction to my brain. I chose to stay standing, positioning the violin in the perfect fit of my body and, lethargically, squeezed my eyes with the intention to focus, think, and feel what my soul wanted to play. A note. A composition. The moment I could produce something from that violin, I would have detached myself from the past. I would have erased Dante from what made me happiest. However, the sound of a branch breaking forced me to open my eyes. A step on a leaf. The violent cracking of a tree. I scanned the corners, waiting to see someone, but saw nothing. “Is anyone there?” I asked, hearing my echo. Nothing. No answer. But before I could return to my concentration, a gunshot made my body react immediately. It hit the violin, near my shoulders, making me release it instantly and run through the forest. My heart waged a war in my chest, and my lungs were willing to breathe anything as long as it gave me the strength to keep going. More shots were heard, and my screams tore at my windpipe. I knew that what was keeping me alive was the forest. Dodging some trees and passing through bushes should have been making it difficult for whoever wanted me dead. But who?