Chapter 177 A Letter from Kevan

Chapter 177 A Letter from Kevan
“For you,

My light and my breath.

Life has led me to a mystery whose answer I never knew. It gave me a spark of feeling and hope, only to make it disappear without a trace in an instant. It forced me to forget a ray of warm light that was once mine, and to accept what has been destined.

How strong am I, really? How powerful can the heart be in controlling oneself? If reason speaks, must the heart also be forced to accept it? Then what was the point of that light coming close, if in reality it never gave freedom to the rhythm of my breath?

All these feelings are tormenting me. Again and again, I try to convince myself and comfort myself so that I can be strong enough to accept our fate. But no matter how hard I try, my heart remains the same. I still love you as the girl I used to know.

Nature shows me many events about everything around me, including you. My love. Even the love of our parents.

Does love have to be this complicated? United, then separated along paths we never wanted? Oh, apparently not. I forgot, maybe I am the only one who never wanted our relationship to be separated by God’s destiny.

But I’m sorry, until now I still haven’t been able to erase all my feelings. Your figure is so hard to forget. You so strongly take over all my thoughts.

I’m sorry for not being there on your day of mourning. I’m sorry for not being your encouragement when you were at your lowest. I’m sorry for not being by your side when you had to be hospitalized. And I’m sorry for all my selfishness all this time.

I know that everything between us will never be the same as it was before. Therefore, from here on, I will try to erase these feelings for you. Until that day comes, please never look for me and respect my decision.

You deserve to be happy, Frel. Achieve your happiness with Kenn. Despite everything, I admit that Kenn is a good guy, a guy who is worthy of you. A guy who will always be by your side and protect you.

Thank you for carving the most beautiful memories with me.

From Kevan,

Who is now your older brother.”

The tears that had been flowing in silence now broke into heartbreaking sobs. The conviction that had strengthened my chest just minutes ago vanished without a trace. I clutched the letter tightly in my hand, bowing my head deeply as my shoulders trembled violently.

I thought I would be strong enough to read Kevan’s letter. I thought I had recovered from the series of events that had struck my life. But all that resilience evaporated when I had to face the pain and helplessness once again.

I had hurt Kevan. I had wounded his feelings so deeply, the man who was my own brother.

"Frel, that’s enough. Don’t cry anymore," Dara said beside me as she took the letter from my grip. "Even if you cry until your eyes swell, it won’t change what’s written in that letter, Frel. Please, calm yourself down, at least a little."

"What should I do, Dara?" I covered my face with both palms, sobbing uncontrollably. "Kevan must be suffering so much. How can he bear such a heavy burden alone while I can only cry?"

"I understand how you feel, Frel. But you’re not at fault. There’s no one to blame in this situation. All of this is God’s will." I felt Dara’s hand gently rubbing my back. "I agree with Kevan, you deserve to be happy."

"But I don’t want to build my happiness on Kevan’s suffering. Doesn’t that sound extremely selfish to you? How could I laugh while he might be falling apart somewhere?"

"Frel, listen to me." Dara slowly took both my hands, forcing me to look into her eyes. "You’re not the only one suffering here. You’re in pain too, and I’m sure Kevan realizes that."

Dara fell silent for a moment, as if weighing her words. "Look, I see that Kevan loves you very much. He needs time to erase those feelings and turn them into the affection of an older brother for his younger sister. Respect his effort. Follow his wishes. At least that’s the best thing you can do right now. Don’t let his sacrifice be wasted just because of your guilt, Frel."

"But, Dara—"

"Enough. How long are you going to keep prioritizing other people’s feelings over your own? You deserve happiness too. Think about Kenn. All this time, he’s the one whose feelings you’ve often ignored." Dara looked at me seriously. "Do you realize how often he stands behind you, waiting for you to turn around? He loves you, and you love him too. Just this once, think about the two of you."

Hearing that name, my tears welled up again. Dara was right. All this time, I had never truly cared about Kenn’s feelings. I had ignored him too often.

"Today, Kenn has prepared everything for you. He has rented a place, even booked an entire restaurant just for this event. You don’t want to disappoint Kenn, do you?"

I shook my head while quickly wiping away the remaining tears on my cheeks. "No, I don’t want to make him sad. I really don’t want to disappoint him again."

"Good. So don’t be sad anymore. Kenn did all of this for you so you wouldn’t keep drowning in grief. He’s a very good guy."

I smiled faintly at my friend’s words. "Thank you, Dara. You’re always by my side, even when I’m at my lowest point. I don’t know what would happen if you weren’t here for me."

"Isn’t that what a best friend is for? Besides, it’s my job to make sure you don’t do anything stupid."

I chuckled softly and hugged Dara tightly. "You are my best friend."

"And you’ll get a serious scolding from Tomi if you say that in front of him," Dara added. "He’ll sulk for a whole week if he knows his position has been replaced by me."

We laughed together.

"By the way, don’t you want to open the letter from your mother too? From Claretta?" Dara suddenly asked. Her eyes glanced toward the second letter lying on the study desk right in front of us. "That letter has been there for a while, Frel. Are you going to keep ignoring it as if it doesn’t exist?"

My laughter stopped instantly. I froze. A confusing feeling that was hard to explain filled me. I felt too afraid of the big secret hidden inside, making me hesitate even to think about all the possible outcomes.

I was afraid its contents would be far more painful than Kevan’s letter.

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