19

Chapter 19

The air felt heavier today, not because of the weather, but due to the weight I’d been carrying in my chest since the truth came out. It had been days since I learned of Jake's secret and since I last saw or talked to him.

At first, I told myself it was just coincidence. He was a bodyguard, after all. I had assumed he had chores to do, errands to run, and clients to protect. But now, I knew better. He wasn’t just a bodyguard; he was an Alpha—the Alpha of the Blood Moon Pack. The man I’d unknowingly shared conversations with and exchanged glances with was so much more than he had let on.

I thought I’d feel rage or betrayal, but those emotions never came. Instead, I just felt… empty.

I sat at the edge of the garden, my canvas propped in front of me, a half-finished painting of the forest taking shape. My brush floated in midair as paint fell onto the grass, but I could not bring myself to care. I’d been staring at the same spot on the canvas for the past twenty minutes, unable to paint a single stroke.

I let the brush roll onto the floor and wiped my hands on a cloth. There was no point in forcing it; creativity didn’t bloom from a mind full of doubt.

I reclined and took pleasure in the feel of sunshine on my cheeks while I closed my eyes. Maybe I could find something soothing here, in this floral environment accompanied by birdsong. However, even in the shade of the sun on my back, I couldn't shake the bone-chilling feeling in my chest.

Why hasn’t he come to see me?

I knew the answer before I asked it: he was avoiding me—hiding, just like he had hidden the truth. It hurt more than I wanted to admit.

I looked over the garden wall at the entrance to the estate from my position. Guards patrolled the perimeter in pairs. I’d seen Jacob come and go freely, laughing with them like they were old friends. They watched him with respect; loyalty was evident in every glance.

But me? No one looked at me like that.

I was alone.

Jacob certainly didn’t care; he hardly ever responded to me anymore, and I no longer waited for him. I used to think maybe he would come around and that we could be more than a political arrangement. However, his gaze no longer held warmth; it was as if I were just another object in his world.

But Jake… Jake had seen me.

And now he was gone.

My chest tightened as familiar stings welled behind my eyes. No. Not here. Not now. I wouldn't cry like a heartbroken fool.

I stood abruptly, brushing my hands against my dress. If he wasn’t going to come to me, I’d go to him. I wasn’t a fragile flower; I wasn't going to wait idly for someone to provide answers to my queries—not anymore.

The estate seemed so close as I ran with a pounding heart, my resolve firming with each footstep.

The halls were quieter than usual. The air carried a subtle odor of cedar and ancient manuscripts as my steps rang on marble floors. Servants passed by with heads bowed and eyes averted; nobody asked where I was going, and I was glad for it.

Jake’s quarters were on the east side of the estate where most pack warriors resided. I'd only ever been there once but remembered the path well enough.

With each step, itchy nerves scratched at me. What if he refused to see me? What if he didn’t care? It ached in my chest, but I tried to dislodge it.

I arrived at the corridor that opened to his room and saw them: two guards—big ones—not typical sentries whom I'd observed with an appropriate nod as I passed by. No, these men were blockades. One stood with arms crossed, piercing eyes watching each step I took; the other casually leaned against the wall but didn't fail to trail his gaze over me with calculating expectation.

“Where are you going, ma’am?” the first one asked, his tone polite but firm.

“I’m here to see Jake,” I said, straightening my chin as I fixed my gaze on him. “I have something to discuss.”

“Alpha Jake is on duty,” the aisle guard blurted again.

I blinked—Alpha Jake? It still felt strange hearing it aloud. Clenching my fists, I kept my voice steady: “Busy or not, I need to see him.”

“Can’t let you through there, ma’am,” said the first guard with an emotionless face. “Orders are orders.”

“Just tell him I'm here,” I murmured as my patience frayed. “Tell him Morticia is waiting.”

The two guards exchanged looks—silent communication passing between them.

“Look,” I said, stepping closer. “I’m not just some random visitor; I'm—”

“You’re Jacob’s fiancée,” the second guard cut in sharply, his eyes hardening. “But that doesn’t give you access to the Alpha.”

His words hit harder than expected—Jacob’s fiancée felt like a chain around my neck; I wasn’t Jacob’s anything—not in any way that mattered.

“Please,” I swallowed my pride. “I just… need to talk.”

“Back to your room,” said the first guard curtly now. “This isn’t the time.”

My nails dug into my palms as anger surged within me—a hot feeling without an outlet.

“Don’t make me repeat myself,” added the second guard, stepping forward enough to indicate he'd physically stop me if necessary.

Humiliation burned inside me as my gaze flickered toward the door behind them—he was in there; I knew it—but what if they just bumped into each other? Life could be different then.

But he didn’t come out.

I lingered for a while longer before slowly stepping back and looking at the guards one last time—not in defeat but resistance.

I didn’t say another word; they had already shown me my place in this society.

When I returned to my chamber, I laid on my bed’s edge with pulse pounding in my ears while focusing on the window and relishing final rays of sun below the horizon.

He didn’t come.

He could have; he should have—but he didn’t.

A sense of void settled in my sternum that wouldn’t go away as my hands rested in my lap with fingers twisting together. My eyes burned; however, I blinked hard so that tears wouldn’t fall.

I had told myself not to cry.

But here—in this room—with no one watching—I wasn’t strong enough.

One tear fell—then another.

I shoved them back instantly as anger surged again—a void staring back at me: anger at Jacob; anger at Jake; but most of all—anger at myself for letting them both make me feel small.

I lingered longer just sitting through nightfall while thoughts circled back to Jake over and over like a song stuck on repeat: did I matter at all?

I wanted to believe it—I needed to—but after today? Uncertainty loomed large.

Leaning forward with hands covering my face made breath shaky; for so long I'd done everything right—been patient and kind—trying hard to be everything expected of me—but what had it gotten me? A loveless engagement? A hollow promise? A guy too chicken even to cross thresholds?

Never again.

Sitting up straight wiped clean of tears—I wouldn’t fight for this anymore; I'd fight for myself instead—no more waiting or hoping.

If Jake wanted to stay behind closed doors—that was his choice—but I'd refuse being that woman trailing behind him all along.

Standing tall while gazing out at night sky—I turned away from lunar light washing over everything below—somewhere out there under that moon phase—the world continued onward—and for a brief moment—I caught its gentle glow before turning away again.