Chapter 35

Since learning about Val and her team, I’ve turned myself into a washed-out replica of her. I complained about entitled passengers demanding their due when all along I was no different. I believed my ambition entitled me to the best routes and bonuses, just because I wanted it. At first it was about saving my job, but then I bought into Val’s haute-culture.

She’s why I’m here—both the good and the bad of it.

Her rule number four says who we are in Flight Club ain’t who we are in the rest of the world. But even that’s a rip-off from something else.

And it’s the flaw in a nutshell.

I dove into her Kool-Aid headfirst. Truth is, the concept set free a tiny part of myself that’s always forced me off track—the very same part in Mama that I’ve despised about her—the part that kept her on the bayou, standing up to bullies to keep her ground even when I didn’t want to stay. All my life, I tried not to be like Mama, because I thought she was stuck in a go-nowhere life. But she didn’t need to go nowhere. She was just fine. The same fire that made her put her foot down and stay, is what made me want to leave. I didn’t want to be judged by the people back home, while all along I judged Mama.

Val craves success and control, that’s why she does what she does. But I initiated into Flight Club for the exact opposite. Sure, keeping my job was what motivated me, but secretly, with every prospect—before and during the encounter—I cherished those moments of slipping out of control. Val was right about that. Same with the older boys I dated back home, and with Corey. They took nothing from me—I acquired my own pleasure from them. I purchased recklessness and adventure with a ready and open wallet.

Even at thirteen, I was just as curious sexually as Corey was. Labels aside, does that mean I deserve to be judged, condemned? I wanted to know what it was like. I was a child, but it didn’t make me dirty. Am I all that different now?

But things got blurry when ratings started influencing my choices. When Val started calling the shots. She’s no different than Sadie Goodwin—worst, in fact. Sadie was just a dumb kid like me, pushing boundaries, testing cause and effect. With careful skill, Val extracted that memory from me, and molded a snippet of my past into something for herself, contorting and shaping. Manipulating.

And I fell for it.

But the past is in the past, and there ain’t no one left to blame. My choices are part of what makes me who I am, even when they’re reckless. If I’ve learned anything from Val, it’s that I can either let what others think define me, or I can hold my head high, show some self-respect, and have a look around from my own aerial vantage point. That doesn’t make me trash—it makes me human.

***

Aside from obvious jetlag, my first step off the airplane and onto European soil has every fiber of my being piqued, aware, and open to new data input, just like I’m a shiny new smartphone waiting for application uploads.

Even the air smells older, more established somehow.

I stick with Grady and the other crew through immigration and customs, and we pull out Swiss francs from the ATM before heading to our hotel. After a shower and nap, I meet the crew in the lobby and we have drinks with a group of pilots from another airline based in Hong Kong, and who’re laid over a few days. It’s the best time I’ve had in days—partying, venting, getting all crazy and loud. Eventually the group of us heads out to Old Town for a jaunt through the village.

I drool over the Swiss architecture. It’s even better than I imagined, like stepping inside a medieval fairy tale—tall colorful block buildings with lots of windows and shutters, narrow alleys, proud waving flags. And when night falls, the streetlights’ reflection on the Limmat River makes the whole town glow with post-card like grandeur.

We stop in an Old Town pub then gather on waterside benches for a sweet view of the river. The others gab, but I zone out a bit. I’m here in Europe like I always said I’d be by my twenty-fourth birthday. Mission accomplished. Teenage Zanne would be proud. And it’s just as Pam said it would be—the city of Zurich, so, so beautiful; the people, so friendly and nice.

No wonder Sofia raved about this route.

Ugh.

My spirits make an unexpected U-turn. I took her spot. Though I’ve tried to ignore it all I could over the last twenty-four hours, that brazen little fact has niggled and wiggled its way to the forefront of my mind since I stepped onboard the flight. Are my prospects the only reason I’m here? Or do I, somehow, in the smallest of ways, deserve it? I have more genuine ratings than prospect-prompted ones.

I wasn’t the one who gave Sofia bad ratings to bump her. I’m here and it’s legit because of my manager. That should be enough…

Except, it’s not. I’m here because I surreptitiously recorded and bribed a coworker to get me out of trouble.

Tears well in my eyes. They blur the reflection of lights on the river’s dark surface. Will I ever be able to look Pam in the face again? I owe her an apology, and the truth. My conscience needs cleansing.

Leaving the others, I find a private place by the concrete railing around the river and pull up my phone gallery. My gaze falls over the frozen frame of Val’s blurred image at the lavatory door. I hate that I have it, not that I ever intended to use it for anything other than bribing her to delete the one of me. But owning it makes me just as slimy as she is. Knowing it exists makes my skin crawl.

Delete.

And just like that, I wipe it clean from my phone forever. A shaky breath leaves my lungs. I close my eyes. Like Pam used to tell me—if you want to be better, act better.

My hands trembling, I call her.

She answers after a few rings. “Where are you?”

“Pam?” I sniffle. “I have to tell you something.”

So much emotion billows through me. How do I do this? I’m the opposite of everything she said I could be.

“Are you okay?” she asks, her voice frantic. “Are you hurt?”

“Nothing like that. I’m fine. I’m in Zurich.”

“But you’re not hurt? Do you need money?”

“No, Pam, just listen. This ain’t easy for me. I have to tell you something.”

“Sure, honey, what is it?”

“You knew I’d get this job—you’ve always believed I was meant for this. But… I don’t know if it’s where I belong.”

“You don’t like Europe? It takes a little time, it’s just culture shock…”

“I love Europe. It’s not that at all. It’s what happened in order for me to get here.” My voice falters. “Remember when you thought I was avoiding you? I was. Because I didn’t want you to know what a shitty person I am.”

I groan. I shouldn’t feel embarrassed to come clean with my godmother, but my stomach’s like a washing machine. Maybe it’s not embarrassment at all.

Pam’s silent a moment. “Are you in some kind of trouble? You can tell me.”

I remember what Blondie the courtesan said—if they don’t understand when you tell them the truth, they’re not worth having in your life.

I inhale a deep breath. “You remember the flight attendant with the top team—Val LaSalle?”

“The one who helped you raise your score, yes.”

“She recruited me to be on her team.”

“And that’s not good? I thought it was what you wanted…”

“It was, but it’s not what it seems. Pam, have you ever heard of Flight Club?”

“Flight Club?” she repeats. “You did say Flight Club, right? Not Fight Club—the old movie with Edward Norton?”

“Right. The name’s a coincidence.”

“Flight Club. Flight Club,” Pam says a few times like trying it on for size. “Zanne?” She grows silent.

“Yes?”

“You’re not trying to tell me you and Val are the same person, are you?”

I blow a gust of frustrated air from my lips. “No, Pam. Flight Club is the same as Mile High Club, or whatever they called it in your day.”

“Ohhh…” Pam’s voice holds the ring of realization, then cool silence. “What about it?”

“Did you ever… you know…?”

“Maybe.” She lets out an awkward chuckle. “In my younger years.”

“While you were on shift?”

“Not a chance—that was grounds for termination. And you know how hard it is for two people to even fit in the lavatories? Especially on the older jets. No, I saved most of my… amorous evenings for the ground. Why, what’s this about?”

“Flight Club is a thing. It’s how Val keeps a high score on Crew Review, how she makes sure her team does the same. Seducing VIP passengers into the lavatory during a flight for five-star ratings.”

Pam gasps. “With strangers?”

“They’re not really strangers,” I say. “Usually celebrities of some kind. We talk during the flight, and Val’s very selective with who—”

“You do this, too?” Pam interrupts, her voice on the brink of panic.

My chest constricts even tighter than before, suffocating and harsh. Moments of truth are such a bitch.

“I… didn’t think it would be so easy.” I rub the back of my neck. Geez, I hate this. “But my current high score comes from… mostly my VIP encounters. Being here, and knowing that’s why… it feels wrong.”

Pam remains silent.

“Say something,” I say. “Say… anything. But don’t judge me. I made a mistake. All I’ve ever wanted is to be like you, Pam, but I’m not like you. I’ll never be like you.”

“No, you’re not like me, Zanne.” Pam’s voice is low, controlled. “You’re better than me—don’t you see that? You have what I never could, same as your mother.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Oh, honey, I never told anybody this, but… I was never able to compete with your mother. That’s why I couldn’t stay on the bayou. I couldn’t live in Cassie Peagram’s shadow my entire life. No one ever noticed scrawny, no-talent, no-charisma Pamela. Not when Cassie stole every boy’s heart.”

“That’s why you left? Because of Mom?”

“I had to find something of my own. I compensated for my shortcomings by forcing myself out into the world and becoming relentlessly helpful. Eventually, I grew into my own, but even now, when I’m with your mother those old insecurities sneak up on me.”

My brain reels. I don’t know what to do with this information. “But you and Mama are so close.”

“And we always will be, that’ll never change.”

“Is that why you won’t move back?”

“No, not anymore. I have my own life now, and I happen to love Arizona. I had to figure out what was best for me. Your mother always knew what was best for her—staying in the place she loved with her family and friends… and best of all, you.”

“Pam.” My voice cracks.

“I knew when you were born that I needed you in my life,” she continues. “But you weren’t mine to keep. In a way, I projected my need for a legacy onto you. What you have to understand, Zanne, is that as I got older, I realized something, and it caught me off guard—everything I’d been able to see and experience out in the world, didn’t mean nearly as much without someone to share it with, someone to pass on the knowledge to. I missed my chance to have my own children, and your mother was gracious enough to share you with me, even after I’d left her on the bayou, to a deadbeat husband who’d turn her into a single mom.” She pauses. “So when you say you’re not like me, honey, be glad. ‘Cause you’re better. You’ve got the best parts of your mother, and the best parts of me.”

All this time I thought Pam had the ideal life, while she was envying Mama’s. I don’t even know what to say.

“Are you there?” Pam asks.

“I love you,” I squeak.

She sniffles. “I love you, too. Don’t ever forget that.” She pauses, sniffles some more, then clears her throat. “Now, let’s figure out how to fix this situation you got yourself into. Tell me how the system works.”

Explaining the basics to Pam, I choose my words carefully. Even glossing over the details don’t hide the bitter aftertaste they leave from uttering them out loud.

“I admit,” I continue, “no one forced me to do anything, and it was… fun… at first. The results were quick, and the men, well, Pam, they were total cream pies. But you should know, I’m declining Val’s invitation to join her crew team. It ain’t worth it.”

“Well,” Pam lets out a heavy sigh. “Aside from the obvious risks like STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and your name being dragged through the mud again, how do you think your job will be affected by turning down Val LaSalle’s invite and telling her to stick it where the sun don’t shine?”

“Her and her team are deciding my Exit Strategy right now. It’s the only way I can no longer be affiliated with Flight Club. I know all their names and faces. Val wanted me to be her team liaison, so I’ve definitely pissed her off. It was stupid—at first I needed to save my job, and then, when results came fast, I bought the farm just to get to the top the fastest like Val had. But it makes all of this…” I gesture with my hand toward the river, even though Pam can’t see, “unfair—being here while others work hard to earn routes the way we’re supposed to. I just… don’t know where to go from here.”

“When you say Exit Strategy, what are you talking about?” Pam asks.

“Something Val designed to kick someone out but ensure they never snitch. I have no idea what she has in mind.”

“Just who is this woman that gives her so much authority?” Pam can’t disguise the repulsion in her voice.

My mouth’s chalky-dry just thinking about elaborating. “She’s Top Nobility, but also, she has power over us because… she secretly records members sharing the details of their first encounter during a flight.”

“And she has one of you.” Pam states coldly.

“It’s so humiliating. I didn’t know she was recording. Val says it’s for the club’s protection, but I know it’s part of her power trip. If she gives that recording to my manager…”

“Zanne, you’re a grown woman now, and I’m not telling you what to do because it’s your life, but can I make a suggestion?”

“Yes, please.”

“Forget the Exit Strategy.” Pam’s voice becomes adamant. “I’m glad you’re declining her offer, and that you’re quitting Flight Club, but making you wait for some kind of dismissal from an association that isn’t supposed to exist? That sounds like more manipulation. She’s looking for a way to get you to accept her invitation, and she’ll keep stringing you along till you do.”

She’s right.

“But,” Pam continues, “you’re going to have to do something you probably haven’t considered.”

I wait silently.

“Come clean. It’s the only way you’ll get out from under Val and take your career back.”

“With my manager?” I balk. “I’ll get fired.”

“Possibly. Or maybe your management would be so impressed you came forward and exposed the top flight attendant who’s conning her way to highest honors, that they’d excuse you. Like an immunity deal. Is your manager reasonable?”

“Yeah, she’s pretty great, actually. She’s the reason I’m in Zurich.”

“Find a representative within the company that can sit alongside you and witness your offer to your manager. Exchange information only when you agree on what your job security will be. Val holds the recording of you and she can easily turn that against you, so you’ll need to be honest. But your best bet is to nip this in the bud before Val does something drastic. Your career will only move forward if you get her off your back forever.”

“I dunno. She said she’d delete it in person if I come to her next meeting, so the others can see.”

“This is not someone you can trust,” Pam says. “My God, Zanne, the sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll have control of your career again. People like Val tell you what they think you wanna hear to get you where they want you. Get to your manager before her. At the very worst, you’ll lose your job.”

I let Pam go on for a few more minutes while I zone out to rippling lights on the river’s surface. I’ve already decided.

I know what I have to do.