Chapter 10

We grabbed coffees in one of the numerous just-off-campus cafés, and I recounted what I’d seen in Josh’s file. Cameron seemed concerned, if not confused, while Caitlyn was enthralled, leaning in on the table as I tried to list off everything I could remember from the Medical History section. When I finished, she just shook her head. “If his parents have legal guardianship… oh boy, we’re going into a beehive here.”

“Why?” I asked. “Actually, back up. What is it, exactly?”

She took a sip from her coffee, and then placed her hands firmly on the table. “Let’s put it this way. Josh is an adult, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, he should legally be able to make his own decisions, have freedom from his parents, everything like that.”

“The same privileges we enjoy.”

“But it looks like his parents have been able to arrange something different—they have guardianship, which means he may as well be ten years old when it comes to the law. They can make legal decisions for him, even if it goes against what he wants.”

“How can they do that?” Cameron piped in. “I mean, if he's an adult…”

Caitlyn frowned. “Probably because of the other stuff in his file. Suicide attempts, hospitalization, anti-depressant medications, all of these can be reasons for his parents to go to a judge and say that they need to have control over his life. This is typically the sort of thing you'd see with someone who is really old, or someone who has severe mental difficulties, but there's been cases where it's happened for otherwise normal adults. A certain popstar, for example. And I remember reading one…”

Her voice faded away as I stared at my black coffee, slowly swishing it in my hands. Suicide attempts. Being in the hospital for two weeks. Taking antidepressants. Why hadn't he told me any of this? I wouldn't have judged him for it—hell, we've all been at low points in our lives, and if he had to live with his terrifying family members I'd have hardly blamed him for being depressed. And he must have known that I wouldn't. Did he not trust me? In all those times we'd been together, when we'd lay on the grass and I told him about my failed attempt to have sex with a girl, or being scared about what my super-Christian cousin would think when I told him (he was fine, though I think he still prays I'll turn straight), was there never a point when Josh felt he could open up?

My face started to burn up. The lack of sleep and sudden adrenaline crash after sneaking into the Registrar’s office weren’t doing my emotions any favors, but I was angry. And embarrassed. And hurt. Who exactly had I dated for the last month?

Maybe I just didn't know Josh all that well. Maybe there was so much more to him than he'd let on. Hell, maybe there was a legitimate reason for his disappearance. Maybe he attempted suicide again and was sent off to a mental institution. It wasn't the most pleasant of thoughts, but damn it if it didn't explain why his family was so reluctant to tell me what was really going on.

“Trent? You still with us?” I looked up from my coffee. Caitlyn was staring at me expectantly.

“Um, yes. What were we talking about again?”

“Where we go from here. I can look up Josh's court records, find out exactly what caused the judge to give legal guardianship to his parents.”

“Uh, yeah, sure. I mean, I guess.”

“You guess?” Cameron said. “Do you have a better idea here?”

I sighed. This wasn't anger I was feeling anymore. It was some strange combination of betrayal and regret. Betrayal that Josh had kept this massive secret from me. And regret that I hadn't done more to make him feel like he could open up to me. “No. Maybe I don't need one. Maybe there's a good reason Josh is gone.”

Caitlyn's jaw dropped. “You have got to be kidding me. Is that what you're thinking right now?”

I stood up, grabbing my two-thirds-full coffee cup. “I don't know what I'm thinking, except that I have a game tonight and a class in less than an hour, and I haven't used the bathroom since five this morning. I'll see you guys later.”

I left the coffee shop, throwing my cup away in what I'm sure was the wrong bin. It felt colder outside. Darker. Like fall had just set in over the last two hours. I walked the short distance back to my house and scrambled together the textbooks I'd need for this class. I hadn't done any of the pre-reading, and with everything going through my mind I knew this would be a total write-off. But still, it was better than sitting alone on my bed and wondering what the hell was going on.

***

At some point between walking home and when I arrived at my Fluid Mechanics class, I decided that I was okay with everything. Maybe it was these revelations from Josh’s file, or the fact that I hadn’t seen him in over a week, or just that I was ready to move on to my next whirlwind romance, but a sense of peace fell over me. I was able to pay attention in class and take half-decent notes for the first time that week. I walked around campus with a spring in my step, breathing in the cool, crisp air, instead of sulking around with my shoulders hunched over.

Not even the UGSM exec meeting could put me in a bad mood. I laughed along with Kyle's sass as he talked about which professors he thought were the hottest and which ones he was going to try to sleep with by the end of the semester (“I'm a bit surprised that those are two different groups,” Cait quipped). And I was as friendly with Ashley as I could be, though she didn't return any of it.

As we left the stuffy room, Caitlyn came up to me. “You're in a better mood.”

I shrugged. “Guess I've just accepted that the Josh I thought I knew wasn't the real one. It sucks, but what can you do?”

“It happens,” she said, rubbing my arm. “Hopefully he's getting the help he needs. Who knows, maybe one day he'll come back.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe I'll just learn not to be so open and trusting of people. 'Cause you know what, Cait? I got catfished. That's what happened here.”

“I suppose it is.” She gave me a bit of a sad smile as she left. Whatever. I was feeling better than I had in a week.

And I was ready to hit the ice that evening.

And that’s exactly what I did. I played what was easily my best game of season, skating with a renewed energy and hitting my opponents as though they were high school freshmen. The rest of my team seemed to be feeling the same sort of uplift—for the first time all season, we were still tied 0-0 after two periods.

It was about five minutes into the third, as I sat on the bench, gasping heavily from another exhilarating shift, that I saw him. Up in the near-empty bleachers (our losing streak wasn’t exactly bringing crowds out in droves), at the very top row. That black hair, those big blue eyes.

“Josh?” I murmured. I looked away, and then back up. He was gone.

“Trent!” The defense coach slapped my shoulders. “Let’s go!” My teammates were skating to the bench for an on-the-fly change. I snapped back to attention and hopped over the boards as one of my forwards carried the puck into our opponents’ zone.

Something weird was going on in my head. I was hyper-aware of every other player, every crunch of skate against the ice and every bodycheck as four players scrambled to play the puck from the back corner. It was like I knew where that puck would be. I skated down from my spot at the blue line, waiting for it to come to me.

And, like magic, it did, bouncing out from the other sticks and sliding right to my own. I pulled back and released a hard slapshot on a surprised goalie. It flicked right over his glove and into the back of the net.

“Holy fuck.” The hyperawareness suddenly vanished, and I stood staring at the net, dumbfounded. I didn’t score goals, especially with this team. And yet here I was, having just put a puck in the net.

A split second later I was swarmed by the rest of my teammates, as they offered alternating congratulations and profanities. I looked back up to the stands, like I was expecting Josh to be there, cheering me on. He wasn’t, of course.

But I’d wanted him to be.

Amid all the jubilation, I sighed. I guess I wasn’t over him after all.

The team managed to hold off our opponents for another fourteen minutes, even as they bombarded us with shots and pulled the goalie for an extra attacker and ended the game with a huge 1-0 win. The atmosphere in the dressing room afterward was absolutely exuberant, with shouts of going to the bar and getting hammered. I, of course, had my presence demanded, but I passed, lying about a test I had in the morning.

After a good half hour of trying to convince me to come along, the others gave up and headed to the bar without me. I had a post-game shower alone, for the first time in who knows how long, and then started walking back home. I fished my phone out of my pocket and made a call.

“Trent?” Caitlyn answered. “Is everything okay?”

“Um, yes. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well, it’s after ten and you’re calling me.”

“Oh. Right. No, everything’s fine. More than fine. I scored a goal and we actually won.”

“That’s amazing!” she screamed. I pulled the phone away from my ear. “What was the goal like? Did anyone film it?”

Damn it. Cameron. I hadn’t connected him with the arena manager. And for the one game that really needed to be captured. “I’ll have to find out. But listen, I think this is a sign. I’m not giving up on Josh yet. I want to keep investigating this.”

I swear, I heard her smile through the phone. “I had a feeling you'd come around. Which is why I'll be making a trip to the courthouse this weekend. You wanna come with me?”

“I don't know. Will I be allowed in if I don’t surrender my soul?”

“You're so damn funny, you know that?”

“It's one of my best traits. But yeah, I'm in. See you then.”

“Will do. Have a good night. And congrats again!” She hung up and I put my phone away.

The rest of my walk home was pleasant—it was a warmer, quiet night and I was still practically floating from my accomplishment at the game. I still wanted to find Josh, but my mind was at some semblance of peace. Maybe where he was now wasn’t such a bad place for him. Maybe it would actually do him some good.

It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, and for the first night in a week my dreams didn’t involve me letting Josh down.