Chapter 41: The Weight of Remembrance
What have I done?
The question kept repeating in my head over and over and over again while I sat on my bed, tears streaming down my face in rivers that wouldn't stop.
What have I done, what have I done, what have I done!?
"Stupid," I whispered to myself, the word coming out choked. "So stupid."
I remembered everything now and how i treated Marcus. Every horrible thing I'd said to Marcus when he'd first arrived. Every cold look, every dismissive word, every time I'd treated him like he was nothing when he'd been everything.
The memories crashed over me in waves that made me want to scream.
Him showing up at the banquet hall, hope and pain warring in his grey eyes while he'd looked at me like I held his whole world in my hands. Me staring at him with blank confusion, not recognizing the man I'd been planning to run away with. His face crumbling when i looked at him like a stranger.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid." The words turned into sobs. "How could I be so stupid?"
I remembered how he'd grabbed my arm at the banquet, desperate and angry, asking if I'd really forgotten him. The hurt in his voice when I'd said I'd never met him before in my life. Like I'd taken everything we'd built together and burned it to ash right in front of him.
And then his rejection.
My chest ached remembering the cold fury on his face when he'd announced our mate bond to everyone, only to reject me in the next breath. The cruelty in his voice when he'd said he'd rather see me dead than be with me.
I'd thought he was a monster for that. Thought he was heartless and cruel.
But now I understood.
He'd been broken. Shattered by thinking I'd abandoned him, that I'd chosen pack duty over him, that I'd decided he wasn't worth the risk after all.
"What have I done?" Fresh tears spilled over. "Oh god, what have I done?"
I pulled my knees to my chest, rocking slightly while the memories kept coming, each one worse than the last.
Him trying to apologize the next day in the garden. Coming to me with pain written all over his face, trying to explain without telling me everything because I had to remember on my own. And me? I'd been cold, dismissive, telling him to leave me alone.
"Stupid," I whispered again, hating myself. "So damn stupid."
Him showing up when Derek had attacked. Risking his life to save mine without hesitation. Fighting like a demon to protect me even though I'd treated him like trash.
And I'd barely thanked him.
Him coming back injured from Shadow Pack after fighting four challengers to keep his Alpha position. Looking exhausted and battle-worn, with fresh bruises darkening his skin only to find me in a compromising position with his brother and i had been pissed when he questioned me.
"What have I done?" The question turned into a wail. "What the hell have I done?"
Every interaction replayed in my mind like torture. Him trying so hard to be patient when I'd kiss him one day then avoid him the next. The frustration and hurt in his eyes when I'd spend time with Lucian. His quiet devastation yesterday morning when my wolf had claimed his brother instead of him.
And through it all, he'd stayed. He'd protected me, helped investigate my attack, fought to keep me safe even when I'd given him nothing but pain in return.
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed to the empty room. "Marcus, I'm so sorry."
But sorry didn't matter. Sorry couldn't undo the damage I'd done. Sorry couldn't bring him back from Shadow Pack where he was heading toward a marriage with someone named Zara Nightshade.
A marriage that should have been ours.
My hands shook as I wiped at my face, trying to pull myself together even though I felt like I was falling apart from the inside out.
I needed to think. Needed to figure this out.
Someone had attacked me on that forest trail. Two people, I was sure of it now. The first one with the cold eyes and plain face who'd fought me. And then a second person who'd pressed something against my chest that tore my wolf away.
I closed my eyes, trying to remember that second face. But every time I tried, the memory went blurry and wrong, like looking through frosted glass. And my head would start pounding with a migraine so intense I'd see stars bursting behind my eyelids.
Why couldn't I remember? It didn't make sense. I remembered everything else about that night so clearly. The fight, the pain, the feeling of my wolf being ripped away. But that second person's face? Just blank space where memory should be.
I reached inward for my wolf, needing her presence to ground me.
Who do you think is our mate? I asked her silently.
She stirred restlessly, confused by the question. I felt her struggling with it, like trying to hold water in cupped hands that kept slipping through her fingers no matter how hard she tried to grasp it. Finally, weakly, she pushed an image of Lucian at me.
"No," I said out loud, frustration bleeding into my voice. "That's wrong. It has to be wrong."
But my wolf just curled up inside me, uncertain and exhausted from everything that had happened.
Another memory surfaced then, something that made my chest tighten with an emotion I couldn't name.
Fiona.
The thought of my sister sent a wave of sadness through me, mixed with something else I didn't want to examine too closely. Something I pushed away before it could take shape, before I had to acknowledge what my recovered memories were trying to tell me.
No. I shook my head. Not that. It couldn't be that.
I stood up on shaky legs, my mind spinning. I needed to move. Needed to do something with this restless energy before it consumed me completely.
The castle was still mostly quiet when I slipped out of my room. Early enough that the sun hadn't fully risen yet, painting the sky in shades of grey and pink.
My feet carried me toward the training grounds almost on instinct. Maybe some physical activity would help clear my head, burn off this terrible feeling that was eating me alive.
But when I reached the grounds, I stopped short.
The place was packed with warriors, way more than should be here this early. They were all grinning at me, watching me with expressions that mixed amusement and something else I couldn't put my fingers on.
One of them, a lean warrior named Brien who I'd trained with before I lost my wolf, stepped forward with his hands out. The other warriors started digging into their pockets, pulling out coins and bills that they handed over to him with good-natured grumbling.
"What's going on?" I asked, genuinely confused.
Brien's grin widened as he counted his winnings. "Made a bet against everyone here. They all thought you'd sleep in after yesterday's drama. But I bet you'd be out here before sunrise, needing to blow off steam."
He held up his substantial pile of coins with obvious satisfaction. "Cashed out big."
Despite everything, I felt a small smile tug at my lips. "You know me too well."
"Been watching you train since we were kids, Chloe." Brien gestured to the assembled warriors, both male and female. "We all have. Welcome back to the land of the living."
The warriors started gathering around me, their faces bright with genuine happiness. Several of them reached out to touch my shoulder or arm, like they needed to confirm I was real, that I really had my wolf back.
"Spar with us?" asked Sarah, one of the female warriors. Her blue eyes sparkled with challenge. "It's been too long since we've seen you fight properly."
"Yeah," another warrior chimed in. "Let's see what you've got now that your wolf is back."
I looked at their eager faces, felt the warmth of their welcome, and some of the terrible weight on my chest eased slightly. These were my people. My pack. They'd never stopped believing in me, even when I'd lost everything.
"Alright," I said, moving to the center of the training ring. "Who's first?"
Brien stepped up with a wooden practice sword, his stance confident. "Let's start easy. See how you handle the basics."
The fight started slow, both of us testing each other's reflexes. My wolf stirred inside me, pleased to finally be moving again after so long. But something felt off. My timing was wrong, my strength unpredictable. I'd land a hit that should have been light and send Brien stumbling back, then fail to block an attack I should have seen coming.
"You're overthinking it," Brien said after I'd missed another obvious opening. "Stop trying to control your strength and just feel it."
He came at me again and I tried to follow his advice, letting my wolf guide my movements instead of my head. The sound of wood cracking against wood echoed across the training grounds, mixing with the smell of sweat and leather and morning dew on grass. It helped a little. We traded blows back and forth, the familiar rhythm of sparring helping my body remember what my mind had forgotten.
But I lost that match. Brien disarmed me with a move I should have countered easily.
"Again?" he asked.
"Again."
Sarah was next, and she was faster than Brien, her movements fluid and precise. She got past my guard twice before I managed to land a solid hit that knocked her practice sword from her hands.
"There we go!" she laughed, rubbing her wrist. "You're getting the hang of it."
But the next warrior, a massive man named Henrik, overwhelmed me completely. He had twice my reach and knew how to use it. I lasted maybe two minutes before he had me pinned.
The fights continued as the sun climbed higher in the sky. Sometimes I won, more often I lost. Each match taught me something new about fighting with my wolf again after so long without her. My instincts were there but rusty, my body remembering moves my conscious mind had forgotten and gotten used to the moves i created when i was weaker.
By the time the morning sun was fully up, I was drenched in sweat and breathing hard, but I felt more alive than I had in days. The physical exhaustion pushed back the emotional turmoil just enough to let me function.
"Better," Brien said, offering me water. "Still rough around the edges, but you'll get there."
"Thanks for this," I said, meaning it. "I needed it."
"We figured." Sarah grinned. "That's why Brien bet on you showing up. He knew you'd need to hit something after yesterday."
I bid them all farewell and headed back to the castle, my muscles pleasantly sore and my head slightly clearer. But thoughts kept creeping back in as I walked, mixing with everything else I now remembered.
After a quick shower that washed away the training ground's dirt but none of my troubles, I dressed in a simple green dress and made my way to the dining room.
My parents were already there, seated at the table with breakfast spread before them. Fiona sat across from them, her head down as she picked at her food without really eating.
She wouldn't look at me.
I schooled my expression into something neutral, hiding the storm of emotions beneath a calm surface. Years of training as Alpha heir helped me slide that mask into place, even though inside I was screaming.
"Good morning," I said, my voice steady despite everything.
"Chloe!" Mom's face lit up. "You're up early. We were starting to worry about you."
"Couldn't sleep," I said, which was true enough. "Went to the training grounds instead."
Dad's eyebrows rose. "Training? With your wolf just back?"
"I needed to move." I sat down at the table, my back straight and posture perfect. Old habits from years of being groomed as Alpha heir. "Test how everything works together."
Something shifted in me then. A realization that settled into my bones with quiet certainty.
I was going to be Alpha heir again. Not Fiona. Me.
My wolf was back. My memories were back. Everything that had been taken from me a year ago could be reclaimed. The position my father had given Fiona as temporary heir would revert to me, as it should.
As it had always been meant to.
Lucian entered then, looking tired but clean. He'd showered too, his dark hair still damp. When he saw me, he gave a small nod before quickly looking away, like he wasn't sure what to say after everything that had happened.
Dad caught the exchange and his expression changed, warming into something that made my stomach drop.
"What?" I asked warily. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Dad smiled, actually smiled, like he knew some wonderful secret. "I approve."
I blinked, completely lost. "Approve of what?"
Mom tried to get his attention, making subtle gestures that clearly meant "shut up," but Dad either didn't notice or chose to ignore her.
"Of Lucian," Dad said, his tone pleased as he looked between us. "I approve of him. After all, your wolf chose him." He actually winked at me. "He'd make a fine mate."
The words hit me hard, very hard.
No.
No, no, no.
"Dad—" I started, panic rising in my chest.
"I know it's complicated," Dad continued, oblivious to my horror. "With Marcus being his brother and all. But your wolf knows best. The Moon Goddess doesn't make mistakes with these things." He beamed at Lucian, who looked like he wanted to disappear into the floor. "We'd be honored to have you as part of our family."
I stared at my father, my mouth open but no words coming out.
This couldn't be happening.
I'd just gotten my memories back. I'd just realized how badly I'd hurt Marcus. And now my father was sitting here, cheerfully approving of a mate bond that was completely wrong, with the wrong brother, based on one confused moment when my wolf had been overwhelmed by everything.
"I know these things take time to adjust to," Dad said, still smiling warmly at both of us. "But I want you to know you have my full support. Both of you."