Chapter 114
I felt my heart fall in my chest again as I looked back down, bringing the phone away from my ear and holding it tightly. Opening my door felt heavier than usual, and each step I took felt like it was in slow motion.
I had told Cassidy I needed to call someone and then I'd be back. If I hadn't called Asmodeus I probably would've freaked the fk out and scared off any chance of a relationship I had with Connor. I faked smile at them when I found them again on a bench.
"Hey," Cassidy said up to me with a smile. "You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I shrugged it off. "Sorry about that," I referred to me leaving for a few minutes.
"Totally okay," she brushed it off with a reassuring smile. "We actually gotta go in a sec, but I'll leave you two alone for a sec while I go bring the car closer," she told me and I gave her another smile as she walked away.
When I turned and looked down at Connor, he looked back up at me with such an innocence in his eyes that I almost started crying on the spot.. but I held it back.
"Hi," I said with a smile and sat down in front of him. He gave me a small smile. "What's your name?"
"Connor," he told me, mispronouncing his name slightly.
"I'm Carla," I replied.
"You know my daddy?" He asked, and I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"Yeah, yeah I did," I responded. "So, what kind of ice cream do you like?"
"Chocolate or vanilla or both," he got excited at the thought of ice cream, making me smile.
"I like those, too," I told him. "I have this friend who loves ice cream, and I think we should all get ice cream together. Would you like that?" I asked. His eyes lit up and he nodded rapidly, making me chuckle.
"You eyes are vewy blue," he told me.
"Why thank you," I grinned at him. When Cassidy came back, we both looked up at her.
"Sorry, we gotta go," she said and Connor's face fell.
"But I wanna stay with Cwystal," he whined and I chuckled.
"You'll see her again soon," she told him and looked over at me. "Actually, do you think you could watch him for the day tomorrow? I have a lot to do and it would be good for you guys," she asked.
I was a little taken aback by how quickly she was moving with introducing Connor and I, but I guess I was glad about it. I had to admit though, something just felt off about it all. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and smiled back up at her.
"Yeah! That would be awesome," I told her genuinely. Hopefully Asmodeus wouldn't have any classes.
"Great, I'll text you my address and a time to come get him," she replied. "Say bye to Carla," she said to Connor as she took his hand. He looked back over to me.
"Bye Cwystal," he said and quickly ran over to me. He threw his arms around me and I let out a laugh at the unexpectedness, hugging him back. It was a short hug, but enough to bring tears to my eyes once and for all. I made it so far, goddamnit..
"See you tomorrow," she said to me and began walking away with Connor, who had an innocent bounce to his step.
"Bye," I replied and watched them walk away. After a little while of sitting on the ground, and sighed and stood up, brushing my legs off with my hands.
When I got back in my car, I finally let myself cry. I leaned against my steering wheel and just silently let my tears fall. Most of the time, silent cries were the ones that would go the deepest and hurt the most. This was one of those times.
I sat there for god-knows-how-long and just stared off into space, drowning in the flood of thoughts inside my brain. I just felt numb, really.
I should be so happy. I should be in love with this situation and gladly embracing Connor into my life. But yet again my emotionally unstable ass wasn't feeling as I was supposed to.. I always found a way to ruin a good thing with my goddamn sensitive-ass self.
Once I drove back to my dorm, I noticed that Ali wasn't there. Then I remembered that she was visiting her parents for her mom's 50th birthday.
I threw my keys down on my desk and collapsed on my bed, rubbing my eyes with a sigh. I felt a few numb tears slip out of my eyes as I thought about everything again, and the thought of visiting my brother.
I grabbed my phone to call Asmodeus, but I got his voicemail. He had another night class.
"Shit," I mumbled, knowing I didn't currently have the strength I needed to resist what was coming next.
I grabbed the bottle of vodka out of the trash bin and spun the cap off, taking a swig and wincing at the burning liquid.
"Cheers," I said through my tears, raising the bottle in the air as if giving a toast, "to always fking everything up."