Chapter 102
For a moment I just sat there in shock, like the calm before the storm. But then I started hearing it.
John
First as Cassidy's voice.
John
Then as my dad's voice
JOHN!!!
Then as my mom's shrieking voice.
I heard the three over and over again in my head, especially my mom's screams. They were swirling around in my head like a category five hurricane. My hands went up to my ears, trying to block out the noise.
Images of what happened flashed through my mind uncontrolled. I saw my brother over my dad on the floor, I saw the blood everywhere, I saw him lunging after me and slicing my Mom's thigh. I saw it all.
My fist punched down on the steering wheel, and then my head, trying to get all of the thoughts out of my mind. As a last resort, I scrambled to turn on the radio and turned the volume as loud as it went.
A little while later, when all I could hear was the blaring sound of the song, and I continued to try and breath as I put my car in drive and slowly pulled out of the parking lot.
Luckily there weren't many cars on the road, and I was back to my dorm in no time. Stammering into my room, I didn't see anyone in the halls. Ali wasn't in the room when I got in, but I saw a note on my desk.
Hanging with some girlfriends tonight, I'll be back tomorrow! -A
I couldn't even appreciate her 'Pretty Little Liars' joke as I picked the note up with my shaking hand and threw it away.
I was lucky I had gotten back when I did, because my vision was beginning to blur and pixelate. I heard my heavy breathing and heart beat, but nothing else other than a high-pitched ringing in my head.
I gasped for air as I collapsed on my bed, holding my chest. I had no idea why the hell I was having this attack. I hadn't had one in so long. I went through some of my exercises, but none of them were working.
What felt like hours later, my breathing finally had slowed down. My heart beat was still souring, however, and I was still shaking like crazy.
I picked up my phone to call Asmodeus, but stopped when I realized he was in a night class. I couldn't call my mother cuz she'd lose it.. and I had never told anyone else about all that happened. I couldn't explain everything right then, not in that state.
I had finally calmed myself down, my breathing back to normal as well as my senses. There was still a thousand pound weight on my chest, though. I sat on my bed completely still, tears falling out of my eyes as they stayed open and staring at the wall. I felt sort of dizzy as I stood up and went over to the closet.
I never really drank.. and when I did it was only for recreational use. One drink right then wouldn't hurt me. Usually I had people that could help me through these episodes, but this night was unusual. One drink right then wouldn't hurt me. It was just one.
I repeated these words to myself as I went behind the clothes and grabbed the bottle of vodka. This one time won't hurt, I repeated. I don't want to feel this pain right now.
I spun off the cap and placed it on my desk, lifting the bottle up and taking a swig of the burning liquid. I sat down and leaned up against my bed.
My dad always told me how amazing college was. He always said the day I'd leave him to go to college would both break his heart and make him the happiest he's ever been for me.
But he ended up being the one to leave and break my fking heart.
I had pushed away all these thoughts for too long, and they were all flooding into me then. I let myself cry as hard as I had in a very long time, taking another swig through the tears.
My the time the alcohol had started to take effect, I was soaked in tears. I let myself feel the alcohol sweeping away my emotions as I sat there, staring distantly at the ceiling.
I wish I was one of those people who could calm themselves down from an anxiety attack and easily pretend like nothing happened, or easily find strength after. But I wasn't.
I loved my mom, but she was either drunk off her ass or overly-nurturing whenever I'd get these attacks, and she was really the only person I had ever had an attack around. Other than Asmodeus, that is.
I felt ashamed for drinking away my emotions, especially now that my mom is sober.. but this pain.. it was, just... suffocating.
And as I sat there, taking another gulp, it just wasn't as suffocating anymore.
Another tear fell, this time for me. For the sorry sack of shit I was. I hated my anxiety attacks, I hated the fact that I couldn't control it, I hated my episodes, I hated all of it. There was nothing I could do, yet I still felt guilty and ashamed every single time.
I didn't want to call Asmodeus while I was drunk. I didn't want him to hear me like this. Like my mom.
As I started to fall asleep on my floor, I kept thinking about the fact that Asmodeus deserved someone who wouldn't do this shit to themselves.
But I would always be too selfish to let him go.
"I'm sorry," my broken voice whispered out to no one specifically. "I'm sorry."
My mind clouded over and I was engulfed into a dark slumber.