Chapter 80 -
That seemed to break something loose in Leo. He kissed her again, harder this time, more demanding. His hand left her hair to cup her face, tilting her head exactly where he wanted it. The other hand stayed on her lower back, holding her against him with a possessiveness that should have scared her but instead made heat pool low in her stomach.
Nia gasped against his mouth and Leo swallowed the sound, his tongue sliding against hers in a way that made her forget how to breathe. Her hands gripped his shoulders tighter, nails digging in slightly, and she felt him shudder.
This was too much. Too fast. Too intense. And not nearly enough all at the same time.
Leo’s mouth moved from her lips to her jaw, trailing hot kisses down to her neck. Nia’s head fell back, giving him access, a soft sound escaping her throat that she did not even recognize as her own voice.
“Nia,” Leo breathed against her skin. His lips found her pulse point and pressed there, feeling the way her heart was racing. “Tell me to stop.”
“Why would I do that?” Nia’s hands were in his hair again, holding him close, encouraging him.
“Because if you do not,” Leo said, his voice rough and strained, “I am not going to be able to.”
“Good,” Nia said. “Do not stop.”
For a moment, Leo froze. Then he pulled back to look at her, his eyes wild and conflicted and full of want. “You do not know what you are asking for.”
“Yes I do,” Nia said. She was swaying on her feet, the alcohol and exhaustion and the intensity of Leo’s kiss all combining to make her unsteady. But she kept her eyes locked on his, refusing to back down. “I know exactly what I am asking for.”
Leo’s jaw clenched. His hands were still on her, one on her face, one on her back, and she could feel them trembling slightly. Like he was fighting himself, fighting the urge to pull her closer or push her away.
Then something shifted in his expression. The heat in his eyes cooled just a fraction, replaced by something that looked like fear. Or maybe guilt. Or maybe both tangled up together in a way that made them impossible to separate.
“No,” Leo said. The word came out quiet but final. “We cannot do this.”
Before Nia could respond, before she could process what was happening, Leo’s hands were on her shoulders and he was pushing her away. Gently but firmly, putting distance between their bodies.
Nia stumbled back a step, confused and hurt and still dizzy from the kiss. “What? Why?”
“We cannot,” Leo said again. He took another step back, then another, like he did not trust himself to stay close to her. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his chest heaving with the effort of controlling his breathing. “This cannot happen.”
“You just said you have been wanting to do this for weeks,” Nia said. Her voice came out sharper than she intended, frustration and rejection mixing into something that burned in her chest. “You just kissed me like I was the only thing that mattered. What changed in the last thirty seconds?”
“Everything,” Leo said. He ran both hands through his hair, making it stand up in different directions. “Nothing. I do not know.” He looked at her and there was anguish in his expression, raw and painful. “You are drunk, Nia. You are drunk and you are in my room at three in the morning and I just took advantage of that.”
“You did not take advantage of anything,” Nia said. She tried to step toward him but he moved back, maintaining the distance. “I kissed you first, remember? I came here. I chose this.”
“You are not thinking clearly,” Leo said. “The whiskey, the late hour, everything Micheal told you about Andrea. You are emotional and intoxicated and I should have been strong enough to stop this before it started.”
“I am not that drunk,” Nia protested. “I know what I am doing.”
“Do you?” Leo’s voice rose slightly, frustration bleeding through his control. “Do you really? Because from where I am standing, it looks like you are making decisions you are going to hate yourself for in the morning.”
“Stop telling me what I am going to feel!” Nia’s own temper was starting to flare now, burning through the pleasant haze the whiskey had wrapped around her thoughts. “Stop deciding for me what I want and what I can handle. I am not a child, Leo. I am a grown woman who knows her own mind.”
“Your mind is clouded by alcohol,” Leo shot back.
“My mind is fine,” Nia said. “My judgment might be questionable but my feelings are real. What I feel for you is real.”
Leo flinched like she had slapped him. “You do not know what you feel.”
“Yes I do,” Nia insisted. She took another step toward him and this time he did not back away, though every muscle in his body looked tensed for flight. “I feel scared and confused and angry at myself for caring about someone who keeps pushing me away. But I also feel something else. Something I have been trying to ignore for weeks because it makes everything complicated.”
“What?” Leo asked, though he looked like he was afraid of the answer.
“I feel like you see me,” Nia said quietly. “Not just as leverage or a witness or a prisoner. But as a person. And I see you too, Leo. I see the man under the armor. The one who reads to Gabriel and protects Micheal and carries guilt that is not even his to carry. And I am tired of pretending I do not care about that man.”
“You should not care about him,” Leo said. His voice had gone hollow, empty. “He is not worth it.”
“That is not your decision to make,” Nia said.
“Yes it is,” Leo said. He finally met her eyes again and what she saw there made her chest ache. “Because I know what happens to people who care about me. I know what happens to people I care about. And I will not, I cannot, let that happen to you.”
“Andrea’s death was not your fault,” Nia said.
“It was,” Leo said flatly. “And even if it was not, the end result is the same. She is dead and I am still here and everyone I have ever cared about ends up in the ground while I keep breathing.”
“So what?” Nia asked. “You are just going to push everyone away forever? You are going to spend the rest of your life alone because you are too afraid to let anyone in?”
“If it keeps them alive, yes,” Leo said.
“That is not living,” Nia said. “That is just existing. That is just slow death spread out over years instead of happening all at once.”
“Better than the alternative,” Leo said.
They stared at each other across the space Leo had put between them. The room felt too big and too small at the same time, the air thick with everything they had said and done and everything that was still unsaid.