Chapter 76 -
Leo went very still at Andrea’s name. His whole body tensed like he was bracing for a blow, and when he spoke, his voice was hollow. “Micheal had no right to tell you about Andrea.”
“He cared about her too,” Nia said. “He loved her and he lost her and he is still here trying to keep you from destroying yourselves over it. So maybe he had every right.”
“You do not understand,” Leo said. His hands clenched into fists again and this time they stayed that way. “You do not know what you are talking about.”
“Then explain it to me,” Nia challenged. “Tell me what I do not understand. Tell me why you are so determined to push everyone away. Tell me why you are so convinced that caring about someone means they are going to die.”
“Because they do!” Leo’s voice cracked on the words, all that careful control splintering apart. “Because Andrea is dead and my father is dead and everyone I have ever cared about ends up in the ground while I am still standing here. So forgive me if I do not want to add you to that list.”
The silence that followed was so complete that Nia could hear her own heartbeat. She stared at Leo, watching the way his chest heaved with each breath, watching the way his hands trembled even as he tried to keep them steady. This was what Micheal had been trying to tell her. This was the wound that had never healed, the guilt that Leo carried like a weight he thought he deserved.
“You cannot control everything,” Nia said softly. “You cannot protect everyone. Bad things happen, Leo, and sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop them.”
“I could have stopped it,” Leo said. His voice was raw now, stripped of all the armor he usually wore. “I should have been there. I should have protected her.”
“You were at a meeting,” Nia said. “You were doing what the Don asked you to do. That is not your fault.”
“It is exactly my fault,” Leo shot back. “I chose duty over her. I chose the Cimmera over the woman I loved, and she died because of that choice. So do not stand there and tell me it is not my fault when I live with that knowledge every single day.”
Nia took another step forward. Then another. She did not stop until she was close enough to reach out and touch him if she wanted to. Close enough to see the pain etched into every line of his face, to see the tears he was fighting to keep locked away.
“You cannot live the rest of your life punishing yourself for something you could not control,” she said.
“Watch me,” Leo said, but there was no heat in it. Just exhaustion. Just the kind of bone-deep weariness that came from carrying too much weight for too long.
“Is that what this is?” Nia asked. She gestured between them, at the space that felt both too big and too small at the same time. “You keep pushing me away because you think caring about me means I am going to die? You think the universe is just sitting there waiting to punish you for having feelings?”
“It is not about what I think,” Leo said. “It is about what I know. Everyone I care about gets hurt. Everyone I love ends up dead. So yes, I push you away because at least if you are far from me, you have a chance of surviving this.”
“That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard,” Nia said.
Leo’s eyes flashed with something that might have been anger if it was not so tangled up with hurt. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” Nia said. The whiskey made her brave, made her willing to say things sober-Nia would have kept locked away. “It is stupid. You are using Andrea’s death as an excuse to keep everyone at arm’s length, to avoid actually feeling anything, to stay locked up in this room and this guilt and this completely ridiculous idea that you are cursed or dangerous or whatever story you have been telling yourself.”
“You do not know what you are talking about,” Leo said, but his voice had lost some of its conviction.
“Do I not?” Nia challenged. “Because from where I am standing, it looks like you are terrified. Not of losing someone else. But of actually letting someone in. Of admitting that you might want something other than revenge. Of accepting that maybe, just maybe, you deserve to be happy.”
“I do not deserve to be happy,” Leo said flatly. “Andrea is dead because of me. I do not get to be happy.”
“That is not how this works,” Nia said. “That is not how any of this works, Leo. You do not honor Andrea’s memory by destroying yourself. You do not prove your love for her by refusing to ever care about anyone else. You just make her death mean even more, make it take even more from the world, because now she is gone and you are gone too even though you are still breathing.”
Leo flinched like she had hit him. His jaw worked silently, and for a moment Nia thought he might tell her to leave, might throw her out of his room and never speak to her again. But then his shoulders sagged, just slightly, and when he spoke his voice was barely above a whisper.
“You cannot be here, Nia.”
“Too late,” Nia said. She reached out slowly, giving him time to pull away, and placed her hand on his bare chest. His skin was warm under her palm, and she could feel his heart racing. “I am already here. And you can push me away if you want to. You can tell me to leave and I will go. But you cannot make me stop caring about you, Leo. That ship has sailed.”
His hand came up to cover hers, his fingers wrapping around her smaller hand, and for a second she thought he was going to pull it away. But he did not. He just held it there, pressed against his chest where she could feel every beat of his heart.
“This is a mistake,” he said again, but this time it sounded less like a statement and more like a plea.
“Probably,” Nia agreed. “But I am drunk and you are broken and maybe we can just be stupid together for a little while. Maybe that is okay.”
Leo looked down at their hands, at the way her fingers splayed across his chest, at the way his own hand dwarfed hers. When he lifted his eyes to meet hers again, there was something in them that Nia had never seen before. Something vulnerable and terrified and achingly hopeful.
“You are going to regret this in the morning,” he said.
“Maybe,” Nia said. “Or maybe I will regret not doing it. But either way, it is my choice. My mistake to make. So stop trying to protect me from myself and just let me be here.”