Chapter 10 10: The Grand Gesture
\[ R Y D E R \]
I never thought I'd say this, but meaningless sex isn't as fun as it used to be anymore.
Yeah, but that didn't mean I was gonna stop doing it. I still did it whenever I could. It was just that they used to be fun, and now it just felt like work. They got too predictable almost. It became boring.
That being said, every night there would still be girls coming in and out of my room. This wasn’t anything new. This had been going on for years. Dad knew and he didn’t care. But for Kara and her mom, this was something else. I could see it from the way they looked at me. I saw that look on Kara’s face when she noticed a girl coming out of my room with her clothes all messed up.
Oh yeah, she was so grossed out by me.
\[ K A R A \]
Ever since that night at the yacht, Ryder and I stopped talking. I saw him around the house a lot though, parading around his latest conquests. Sometimes I wondered if he did it on purpose, like he wanted to show me how good his life of sexcapade was. Honestly, I couldn’t keep track anymore. After a week of all different girls coming into the house, they all started to morph into one, and I started calling all of them ‘honey’ as well.
Pssh, why do I care? Why was I so upset about it anyway? What does it matter which ‘honey’ he feels like screwing tonight?
Something good did come out of Ryder’s party though. After the party, I ended up going home with my new friend, Gabe. He was heartbroken over Maddie, so I took him to the diner and we got some milkshake. We became good friends, and I started spending more time with Gabe since then.
Gabe was nothing like Ryder and his friends. He didn't talk about girls and sex all day. In fact, he was very artistic and musical. He played the guitar and did small gigs in coffee shops or bars. I came to watch him play several times, including tonight.
"So this next song is for my friend, Kara, sitting at the back there," he said to the microphone and I started laughing.
People started cheering, and Gabe played the chords and started singing "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur.
I never had somebody sing a song just for me. It felt kind of nice. I could understand why girls would swoon over guys in bands. Gabe smiled at me, while he was still singing. And for some unknown reason, I felt myself blushing a little.
As always, Gabe would drive me home after we hung out. Normally, we said our goodbyes in the car and he would drive away. But something was different tonight, he asked if he could walk me to my door.
"Thanks for coming today," he said, looking a little bit more nervous than usual.
"Sure, anytime. I had fun," I replied.
"So um, they're doing this old movie night down at the drive-in theatre next week. I remember you like old movies... so do you wanna go, with me?" he said again.
"Like as a... date?" I asked cautiously.
"Yeah... no... yeah... yes," he said, stumbling with his words.
“I don’t know, Gabe,” I sighed. “I don’t really do dates,”
Wait… did I just sound like Ryder?
My no dating rule reminded me of Ryder and his rule, and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t doing dates because I wanted to get laid right away. I wasn’t doing dates because I was against the idea of casual dating in the first place.
“Oh, it’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Gabe answered, forcing out a smile.
Gabe was trying to smile, although I could see the disappointment in his eyes. Honestly, I thought Gabe was a good guy and he was quite adorable.
Maybe going out on one date with him wouldn’t be so bad?
"You know what, I'll think about it. I'll let you know," I said again. Gabe looked up at me and he looked relieved almost immediately.
"Great. Have a good night then," he said again and he stopped for a second, looking right at me. He swallowed hard and his eyes darted to my lips.
Oh no, I think he's going to kiss me?
"Ehem," before anything could happen, we suddenly heard a loud voice.
It was Ryder, coming out from the garage and walking towards the front door. He was eyeing us like a hawk, and Gabe quickly pulled away.
"Kara," Ryder acknowledged me as he stood at an arm’s length away.
"Ryder," I replied. All three of us were standing awkwardly by the door. Ryder was shooting daggers at Gabe, and Gabe was just standing uncomfortably. I thought I should ease the tension, so I said, "Gabe, this is my stepbrother, Ryder. Ryder, this is Gabe," I waved my hand around between the two of them.
Gabe let out his hand and Ryder took it half-heartedly.
"So, I'll see you again," Gabe said to me.
"Yeah, I'll text you," I replied, and Gabe turned towards his car.
Ryder narrowed his eyes at me, but I ignored him and went inside the house. He followed me up as I walked towards my room.
"Kara, wait," he said before I reached for my bedroom door.
"What?"
"Are you gonna go out with him?" he suddenly said.
"What's it to you?" I replied curtly.
"Answer the damn question," his eyes were dark and serious.
"Um, I don't know. Maybe," I shrugged.
"Don't go out with him."
"With Gabe? Why not?"
"Just don't,"
Tilting my head to the side, I narrowed my eyes at him and said, "Don't worry about Gabe, he's a nice guy. He's nothing like you or your friends,"
Ryder was quiet for a while, and then said scoffed, "Touché,"
"So? What's your problem then?" I pressed.
"I don't know, I just… don't like the way he looks at you... " he started mumbling.
I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes. "Look, I don't tell you which bimbo you can and can't date. Gabe and I are none of your business, so just butt out, okay?" I said and he looked taken aback, maybe even hurt. I guess he didn't expect me to react that way.
I thought that we were done with this conversation, so I turned around and made my way into the bedroom, but that was when Ryder put one hand on the door so I couldn't close them, and in one swift move, he broke into my room, grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me closer until his lips crashed onto mine.
What…?
Ryder kissed me hungrily, as if he had been holding back. He pushed me against the wall and deepened the kiss. Our hands were tangled in each other and I was frozen still. In my head, I knew that I had to stop this. But in my body… it felt good, it felt right... so I let go and I kissed him back.
But no! This isn't right!
When I finally realized what I just did, I was mortified and I quickly pushed him away. Ryder staggered back and his eyes shot up at me.
"I… I..." I started mumbling. My mind was racing like crazy, trying to process what just happened.
"Kara, I'm…" Ryder wanted to say something, but he stopped. His jaw clenched. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, "Do you wanna know why I don't want you to go out with him? I think it's because I like you,"
My heart stopped. For a second there, I swore it did.
"What?" was all that came out of me.
"And call me crazy, but I think you like me too," he said again.
SMACK!
I didn't know what had gotten into me, but my hand seemed to have a mind of its own. I had slapped Ryder across the face.
"Oh my... I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me," I quickly regretted it.
He turned his gaze back to me. His dark blue eyes were piercing into mine.
"Don't try to deny it. You kissed me back," he said matter-of-factly.
"Stop," I shook my head.
"It's true. I know you know it's true," he narrowed his eyes at me.
"But... it... was just a slip up. It didn't mean anything." I stuttered. "I mean, I'm sure people just kiss each other. I'm sure that sometimes you're talking and somehow two people move closer and closer to each other and then, they just kiss. I'm sure it happens all the time,"
Ryder shook his head in disbelief.
"It meant something," he stated. "At least to me it did."
"Ryder... you... you're not supposed to go around saying things like that!" I almost yelled, but I restrained myself.
"I know I'm not supposed to like you and I'm not supposed to say it out loud. But I don't know! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me!"
"Ryder, listen to me... we can't have feelings like these for each other. At all,"
"I know, trust me, I know," he said.
"I don't think you do,"
"Believe me, I know. And I tried making it go away. But it just... god, I can't deny that I have feelings for you. I don't plan this, alright? I don’t do things like this in the first place. And I certainly don't choose this. You think I like being tormented like this?" he was gritting his teeth, seething and angry.
I looked at his frustration. I wanted to see his eyes, I wanted to see if he was serious or honest at all, but he put his head down, and I didn't know what to make of this.
"I wish I could say I'm sorry that I kissed you, but I'm not sorry. I'm not gonna feel sorry for the way I feel about you," he said again.
Was he really being serious? He can’t be…
"Ok, stop. I think I know what you're doing here," I finally said. He looked up at me, and his eyes were confused.
"You... don't like me, Ryder. You may think you do, but you don't." I said, gauging his reaction. "You just like the idea of me, or the chase, or the thrill or whatever. And you're just saying all these things because, well let's face it, you wanna get in my pants. But I am not a freaking conquest, you understand?"
"Of course that's what you'd think of me," he muttered, shuffling his hair in frustration.
Then, he looked at me with that look. That demanding look that I couldn’t fully decipher.
"Is that what you think of me?" he huffed.
"Look... attractions happen all the time. And I won't deny that I'm somewhat slightly attracted to you too. But it's just that-- it's just a feeling, it's just a phase at best. Trust me, just give it some time and it'll all go away,"
He looked at me with another expression that I could not read. Maybe it was anger and hurt.
"You got me all figured out, huh?" he scoffed.
"Listen... I'm just saying that what you think you're feeling right now... it might not actually be what you really feel,"
His eyes widened and he let out an irritated laugh.
"So this is how you deal with your feelings?" he said, catching me off guard. "You shove them off and pretend like they don't mean a thing? That's fucking messed up Kar—"
"Ryder, that's enough! I think you should go now," I cut him off before he could say anything else. His words had hit a nerve.
I swung the door open for him and waited for his next move. He let out a long sigh, and without looking back, he walked out of the room.
What in the flapjacks just happened here…?
That night I tossed and turned, I couldn't sleep.
"So this is how you deal with your feelings? You shove them off and pretend like they don't mean a thing? That's fucking messed up,"
As much as I hate to admit it... Ryder was right. I was bad with my feelings. I pretended like they didn't even exist. That was how I functioned my whole life and it had served me well. Until now.
I thought about that kiss again, and I wondered if it did mean something for Ryder. Was it true, did he really have feelings for me? But ah, who am I kidding? It's Ryder we're talking about. He'd say anything just to score.
And anyway, all of this didn’t matter because we would be stepsiblings in just a few weeks. Whatever feelings may or may not exist between us, they didn’t matter.
That’s right. It was just a stupid meaningless kiss.
\[ R Y D E R \]
I had never said the words "I like you" to a girl before, and the one time that I finally did, I got slapped across the face for it. Life had a great sense of humor.
But then again, I probably deserved it.
That night, I couldn’t sleep and I spent my time replaying the event that just happened. Sitting in my room, I stared at the blank page in my notebook and let out a sigh. Whenever I felt stuck about something, I turned to writing to untangle the mess that was in my head.
Unfortunately, this mess was bigger than I thought.
I had done something bad. I knew I wasn’t supposed to do it, but I shot my shot. It was a spur of the moment thing. I saw that she felt something for me, so I wanted to get it. But when I told her that I liked her, I saw it in her eyes, she didn't believe me even for a second. She said this was just a phase. I wanted to laugh. I knew what I felt was real.
For the longest time, I turned off the switch so that I won't feel anything, for anyone. I never wanted to fall in love with a girl, that was weak. I spat at her ideals of love and purity and all that. So of course, why would she believe me now? I couldn't even believe myself right now.
Damn, I shouldn't have kissed her. I shouldn't have said anything. But I fucking did.
\- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -