72

72
AMANDA
He didn't say anything next, just lay down beside me and held my hand as if I'm his only comfort in this fucked up world.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"Yes."
"Why did you let me go?" I questioned, hoping to get an answer from him.
A weak smile passed through his face and he looked straight to the ceiling. "You may not remember but after I almost drowned you into the water, you were running high with fever and told me something."
I scurried my eyebrows. "What did I tell you?"
"Want to hear a small story?"
I nodded.
"Back when I was in college, I tried my best to do all kinds of part time job to earn my tuition fees. It was painfully hard to work all day and then study all night. I was tired of everything. I had spent my childhood in orphanage after the death of my parents and when I turned eighteen, I had no choice but to move out and work in order to get a degree. I always had two options in my mind either to became so powerful that I can destroy the person who killed my family or to suicide. I never had a reason to live but I was trying. Once I got admission in one of the finest colleges, I realized that earning a degree and doing high package job in MNC won't be anywhere near to what I want. That man was rich enough to buy hundreds of high salary job like the one that I'll get. Once I realized the reality, I thought of option two. I thought of ending my life. And for the first time when I ran blade over my wrist, it felt good as if the pain my heart holds will subside in air if my skin bleeds. So, I started doing this every night. I thought that if not this then the least I can do is to kill that man before I take away my life when I came to know that he was coming to my college as special guest for giving speech about his success journey. But before that could happen, for one last time I wanted to go to my favorite place and sit near the river, observing nothing but oblivion."
"But then all of sudden, I saw a girl jumping into the river, I wanted to stop her but before that could happen, she was already struggling in river. I quickly jumped to save her and at that moment it felt as if I wasn't saving her but I was saving myself. The fear on her face felt as if it was my own fear. You know it wasn't easy for me to rescue her since I was so thin and weak at that time but somehow, I ended up saving her. She came to me and don't know what happened to me that I told her to survive, no matter how hard it gets. She saw my wrist and told the same to me. For the first time in my life, someone told me the words that I secretly wished to hear for all my life and that's when I saw her face completely. She was pretty. I never had feeling for anyone before but that girl, she made my heart skip a beat. I wanted nothing but to know her. She made me forget about everything else. We both looked at each other and I couldn't stop myself from kissing her. The kiss I shared with her was something I would never forget until the day I die because it gave me the reason to live. She gave me reason to live."
" I went back and for the first time in my life, I smiled after my parents passed away. I changed my option. I no longer thought of killing him and committing suicide instead I went with a smile to watch his speech. I made promise to myself again that one day, I'll shatter the empire he created on the ruins of my parents' bodies. Today what I'm is only because of that girl. She gave me reason to live and I didn't realise at that time but later I understood my feeling. She was my first love. The feelings in my chest for her made it possible for me to give my life another chance. I went back to that place every day in a hope that maybe she'd be there too but she was not. I didn't find her but my heart never forgotten about her."
"Slowly things started changing in my life and I opened my start up and since then, life's been crazy. I met Disha and fell in love with her or probably I thought I loved her because sometimes she reminded me of the girl who was in my heart. She made me feel that how good it is when someone's around you. And Amanda, when you told me about your story where you mentioned what I shared with that girl in the woods, my heart was unable to process everything. I looked at your face repeatedly that how come I didn't recognize you? And it became suffocating for me to know that I'm hurting the person who's sole reason behind my existence. I hated you but the old feelings I had in my chest for you, made it impossible for me to hurt you anymore. I know I'm fucked up but for a split second I thought that what if we met under normal circumstances? What if we were married out of love? What if I have never hurt you? I became so confused with my inner turmoil that I decided to let you go away from me so that I can save you from myself. I no longer wanted to hurt you after all you were the girl I fell in love with."
" And when you came back to me, I just couldn't tell you how happy I was. Because after you left, I had no reason to live. I had taken the man down who destroyed my family, I had lost Disha and then I lost you too. But your loss felt different. It was as if I lost myself. I know I'm selfish because when you came back to me and I knew that something was wrong yet I forced myself to not think about it and just be with you. When you cooked food for me, I swear it was the most delicious meal I ever had but I tried to act different."
"When we went to the café and you told me about your childhood, my heart ached for you. I wanted to hold you into my arms and tell you that the little Amanda came a long way. She's survivor. I was so mad at your father and step mother that I wanted to destroy them but you told me not to. I realised that why you wanted you commit suicide back when you were in childhood. I promised myself that soon I'm going to take you to Japan so that you can meet your mother and if you want to stay with her, I'd never come in between and let you live your life happily."
"Your friend, Manik, I was jealous of him being so close to you. When I saw you with him in proximity, I was furious and hurt too. I thought that what if he's your boyfriend or what if you have feelings for him? But then somehow, I reminded myself that it's your life and I shouldn't interfere. I got drunk and my sanity messed up and I behaved possessively with you. But the second we kissed, I was reminded of how it felt to kiss you in the woods, years back. And after that when we had sex, I swear my feelings get so intensified that somewhere I started accepting that I'm still in love with you. I forgot everything but you. I was ready to start a fresh life with you if you want to stay with me."
"When you told me about your dream, I had a beautiful thought in my mind that how perfect my life would be if you do your PHD and I do my work and then at night when we return home, I'd cook dinner for you and at dinner, we'll both discuss how our day went and on weekend, we'll watch your favourite series or movie while cuddling on the couch. My heart felt happy but then that night I got a call from the hospital that Disha was pregnant. I don't know what happened to me but I wasn't able to control my anger."
"My mind went back to past that how my parents were killed and over and over again the same haunting memories kept on repeating through my mind. I wanted to stop them but it became impossible for me. A strange thing came to my mind that my child was killed too, just like my parents. When you came in front of me, I lost it all. My heart didn't want to hurt you but I was not able to stop my mind. It felt that if I don't hurt you then I'll lose my sanity. But I swear I never planned that accident to happen."
" I never in my worst rage could thought of putting danger to your life. And when you had the accident, I realized the gravest mistake that I've committed. At that moment I wanted to kill myself. I just couldn't stand the thought that I hurt you and you're fighting for your life."
" Meanwhile I realised something too. I realised that I just don't love you only because you're the girl I met at my lowest point but I love you. I love the Amanda with blue hair and tattooed arm, I love the girl whom I married out of revenge, I love the girl who loves Ramen with cheese and egg with Cranberry juice because her mother used to make these for her, I love the girl who doesn't needs somebody to protect her because she learnt Taekwondo and Karate, I love the girl who suffered a lot yet knows how to put up a bravest smile, I love the girl who still holds onto her mother after so many years, I love the girl who told me that it's okay to cry and lend me her shoulder for it, I love the girl who's sharp minded and wishes to earn a doctorate degree in Human genetics, I love the girl who's fierce, bold and sarcastic, I love the girl who's pure hearted, I love the girl who's rude and cusses often, I love the girl who told me that she's mine. I love her, I'm in love with her insanely. But I don't deserve her. I don't deserve you, Amanda."
I let go of the breath which I was holding from so long and my hearted started beating like crazy. I just couldn't believe what I heard but two things ran through my mind.
He's the guy whom I met when I was young; who saved my life and was my first kiss.
And
He's in love with me.
I looked at him and couldn't help but trace his face with my fingers. How come I wasn't able to recognize him? Now that I look at him, he looks quite familiar yet different. The young boy with bones peeping out of his body, pale skin, messy hair has changed now. I'm glad that he came this far, that the guy whose skin cut bruises I touched on his wrist has somehow survived and lived.
And then I realised the second thing, he just told me that he loves me.
I had so much in my mind, so much to say to him but all I did was to smile at him. "Can you take me to my mother? I need to meet her now."