Chapter 49 - Mental Confusion

The day she told me she was pregnant, I froze. It hadn't been that long since she'd appeared in our lives, let alone that we'd been having sex. "I'm pregnant," she said one night when she showed up.

That day, I was at Amelie's apartment because we were sorting out some Lowe's merchandise issues. I even planned to leave when the exchange was going to take place, but I ended up staying. EVE and I had already had sex a few times, so it wasn't too strange that I should be there when she showed up.

"Is it mine?" I asked her. I didn't mean it in an accusatory way, but I needed to confirm it anyway. EVE had already had affairs with other men, but really, at that time, it could only be mine.

"Yes, Axel, it's yours," she replied, nonplussed by my question. I nodded. "If it wasn't yours, I wouldn't even be talking about it," EVE said. That made sense. "Anyway, don't worry, I'll take it off," she said, in a very natural tone. At the time, I wasn't sure what to say, but I just agreed. I had no regrets. There was no chance of me agreeing to be a father. I'm sure that if she had decided to, a lot of things would have happened, especially with Amelie and Dorian. The biggest issue was that Amelie hadn't found out, although I was pretty sure she wouldn't have wanted to continue with the pregnancy. She probably only decided to keep it now, because there's a real chance that the father will be Dorian.

The news of Amelie's pregnancy had come as a shock. That night, after she revealed it, the apartment seemed quieter than ever. The air was charged with tension. It was hard not to think about it, especially when it involved me. I felt obliged to be honest and tell them that EVE had already had an abortion. Of course, Amelie was a little uncomfortable knowing that her body had been through that procedure before. I think anyone in her position would have felt the same way.

I sat on the edge of the bed, my mind a storm of conflicting thoughts. The idea of being a father was something I had never considered, let alone wanted. The responsibility, the commitment, the idea of shaping and influencing another human being's life—all of it scared me to death. And even more complicated was that EVE didn't want that either, but if Amelie did, that would be a problem. She, Dorian and apparently Carbon were in favor of it. As it was, there wasn't much EVE and I could do, apart from accept it.

There was a sadness to it all, a resignation that cut deeper than any words could express. I knew it would be difficult for everyone. There was no room for a child in our lives, not when we had barely managed to find stability and balance. I found it interesting that Amelie wanted to have a child while she was in the middle of the mess of dealing with EVE. If I knew her well, I could imagine that she was already thinking about what to do in nine months. I needed to talk to EVE too.

But even as I tried to convince myself of the negativity of it all, a part of me struggled with the idea of giving up a child, even if it was still just a possibility. What if, in the end, the child really was mine?

That night dragged on in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts as if time had stretched out to allow each of them to deepen and intertwine in my mind. While my eyes searched the dark ceiling of the room for answers, my mind navigated the labyrinths of moral dilemmas, uncertainties, and responsibilities that now weighed on my shoulders.

EVE, the enigmatic presence that had entered my life like a fleeting shadow, had now become an unexpected link in a destiny I could barely comprehend. His eyes, deep and unfathomable, seemed to reflect a world of secrets and mysteries, but also of vulnerabilities and fears. Deep down, I knew that her decision to terminate the pregnancy was more than just a choice. She really didn't have much interest in giving up her life in OWE.

And while I tried to reconcile my own convictions with the unforeseen circumstances that now surrounded us, an inner voice whispered doubts and worries. Was it fair, or even human, to ignore the possibility of paternity? I probably couldn't even sleep thinking about it.

I got out of bed with the fragile determination of someone walking on a tightrope, each step a precarious balance between the desire to flee and the need to confront the truth. The silence in the apartment was palpable as if the surrounding walls were mute witnesses to a human drama unfolding inside.

And then I met EVE at OWE. She was there, in that dense, sexual atmosphere of OWE, her gaze filled with mystery and an aura of secrecy that seemed to envelop her like a cloak. Her dark hair cascaded over her shoulders, her eyes reflecting the ambient light in shades of amber, full of a depth I could barely fathom. She didn't look very happy.

She was immersed in her own reflections, lost in an inner world that I knew I could never fully access. I walked towards her. EVE raised her eyes as I approached, her gaze meeting mine in an instant. There was so much to be said, so much to be understood, but words seemed to fail me in the face of the magnitude of the situation. "Axel..." His voice was a whisper, a distant echo that resonated in the deepest recesses of my mind. There was a melancholy in her tone, a note of sadness that seemed to echo through the walls of the OWE, reverberating like a lonely lament in the night. She was sitting at the bar with Dorian, but she wasn't drinking.

"EVE..." My voice was just a whisper, a faint echo that was lost in the vastness of the surrounding space. There was a fragility in my words, a vulnerability that I rarely allowed the world to see. Our eyes met in a moment of mutual understanding, a silent communion that transcended the barriers of time and space. For a moment, we stood there, immersed in the stillness of the moment. And then, slowly, as if waking from a deep dream, we came back to reality—to the cruel reality that surrounded us. Amelie's pregnancy, the uncertainty of the future, and the choices that had to be made.

"What are we going to do, Axel?" His voice was a soft whisper, a silent prayer to the heavens for guidance and understanding. There was a pain in his words, an anguish that I shared in silence.

I took a deep breath, searching for courage in the depths of my soul and gathering strength to face the challenge that lay before us. There were no easy answers or simple solutions to the dilemmas we faced. But there was hope—a faint flame that burned within us, fueled by the promise of a better tomorrow.

"Amelie decided to keep the pregnancy," I murmured, my words echoing in the emptiness of the surrounding space. "There's nothing we can do, EVE, after all, it was three decisions against two. Now all we can do is wait these nine months," I said.

"Or hope that, in three months, she changes her mind," EVE said. "It's not as if I'm just accepting all this," she said.

And then, in a gesture of solidarity and mutual support, our hands met, intertwining in a gesture of communion and trust. It was a simple symbol. "What if she doesn't change her mind?" I asked, letting out the worry that weighed on my chest. My voice was a whisper, filled with uncertainty and anxiety. I didn't want to admit it, but the prospect of being a father was beginning to creep into my consciousness, challenging all my convictions and expectations. "If she really decides to stick it out to the end, I don't know what to do."

EVE sighed, her eyes reflecting a complex mix of emotions that I was struggling to decipher. "I don't want to think about it, Axel. You know that if it's your child, it means it's mine. For my part, I wouldn't raise him, and then that will be left to Amelie since I doubt she'd put him up for adoption." She replied, her soft voice carrying firm determination. She was right.

"What if I'm not ready to be a father?" I murmured, letting my deepest fears escape in a barely contained whisper. It was a painful confession, an admission of weakness that I could hardly bear. But it was the truth, a truth I could no longer deny. I think that if I found out I was the father, I'd end up understanding all the responsibility that would be. I don't know if I could just ignore it like EVE would. Likewise, I don't think I had as much indifference as she did.

EVE looked me in the eye, her penetrating gaze probing the depths of my soul. There was compassion in her eyes, a silent understanding that comforted me more than any words could express. "No one is really ready to be a father, Axel," she said, her soft voice laden with wisdom beyond her years. "Anyway, I'm sure Amelie won't mind too much if you refuse to take care of and participate in the child. From what I hear, Dorian seems determined to carry out these tasks, and even Carbon wouldn't mind. You're worrying about nothing," she said, with even more indifference. She looked at the whole situation with such calm that I felt envious.

Her words echoed in my mind like a distant echo, dispelling the shadows of doubt and uncertainty that haunted my thoughts. It was true; I could only refuse. No matter how unprepared we felt, no matter how frightening the future might be.

"You're right, EVE," I muttered, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders as I absorbed her words of wisdom. "We can't control Amelie's decisions, but we can choose how to deal with the consequences." My voice was calm now, a note of resignation mixed with determination. "Whatever the outcome, I'm going to leave it all for later. There's no reason for me to worry now." EVE nodded, a slight smile curving her lips in a gesture of silent solidarity.

Finally, after so much talking, I let EVE go to work. As the relationship was still in its infancy, it was fine for her to carry on working, but in a few months, if Amelie really went through with it, EVE would have to tell everyone at OWE what was going on. She would also have to stop the sessions and everything. I was sure that was probably the thing that annoyed her the most about the whole thing.

I passed the bar, finally taking a seat. The place was quiet, so I didn't have to worry about all the security. I could have a drink with my friend and talk about all the shit that was going to happen in our lives. Maybe Dorian would work up the courage to finally get his problems off his chest. It was obvious that he was hiding something from everyone. If it was going to have an impact on our lives, he'd better speak up soon.

I just wish I could go back in time, to when the three of us were just the three of us. The time when Dorian longed for Amelie's love, and she longed for his. Longing for the time when I didn't have to worry about how I felt. Maybe I was happier before. Maybe I should have made different choices. If I admitted that EVE was fucking me more than I thought...