Chapter 44 - Kids?
As I threw up in the bathroom, I thought about everything that had happened. Had I really received that news? Had EVE perhaps not noticed that I had forgotten to take the injection and had gone to take it? What if maybe I had taken it, but didn't remember? I used to be quite responsible about it since I had no plans to be a mother, at least not while EVE existed. The truth was that having children was a decision I hadn't made yet, mainly because I had too many problems to think about, and having a child would be very complicated. I didn't even know if I really wanted to have children one day. More importantly, I didn't expect to be in a position to not plan. In my perfect world, I would have known for sure that I wanted to be a mother, and I would have planned it; it wouldn't have been a surprise.
When I came out of the bathroom, Dorian was waiting for me, as visibly shaken by the news as I was. It wasn't enough that we'd received the news in the living room; we still had to absorb it. "Axel called, and I told him..." he said, sounding like a teenager confessing that he'd fucked up. "I'm sorry, but I think it would be wrong to worry you," he said. Dorian was right; in fact, I wasn't planning to hide it from Axel at all.
"Let's go home. Call him back and ask him to close the store and go to the apartment," I ordered, as I made my way to Dorian's car, to sit in the passenger seat. It wasn't long before he approached the car and sat down, ready to drive. He confirmed to me that he had called and that Axel would hurry to be at my apartment as soon as possible. Finally, Dorian started the car. I was worried about the whole thing; I couldn't believe it.
When we arrived at my apartment, I threw myself on the sofa, still thinking about the entire situation and what I would do. I wasn't against abortion, but I didn't know if I wanted to have one. I had a lot of things to think about. Most importantly, I had to consider who the father would be. That was my biggest concern.
About an hour later, the doorbell rang, and Axel entered the room. I hadn't spoken to Dorian since I'd arrived. I think I was afraid to talk about it and make it more and more realistic. Perhaps if I lied to myself, it would become less real. Dorian also seemed airborne in thought and didn't seem to want to talk about it either. Since we'd arrived, all he'd said was that he was going to cook something, and he went into the kitchen. I stayed on the sofa, completely stretched out, while I left the television on. At that moment, I didn't care if it was the news or a series. I didn't care; none of it would help me with my problem. What was I supposed to do?
Dorian was the one who opened the door for Axel. The way I was lying on the sofa, it wasn't possible to see me. When Axel entered the apartment, he could see Dorian in the kitchen and immediately asked about me. Dorian didn't answer, so I concluded that perhaps he had pointed to the sofa because then I could see Axel's head examining the sofa. "Ah, Amelie," he said, finally approaching me, worried. He looked as shaken as Dorian and I were. With both of them there, I wondered if they wanted to be fathers, or if I wanted to be a mother. Why had my world suddenly turned upside down? I was feeling the same way when I found out that EVE wasn't leaving, and that I should just get used to her and live with her. Completely lost, I stood up and greeted Axel. "Is it true?" he asked me. I nodded. "And what are you going to do?" he wanted to know. I said I didn't know.
A few minutes later, Axel was sitting next to me. "I've already called OWE to say we won't be going today. They decided it would be better to close for the day," Dorian said as he went into the living room to tell us. We were all still silent, thinking about it. It seemed that everyone wanted to ask the same question, but was afraid to. "Dinner's ready," Dorian said, finally breaking the silence between us. So, without delay, we went into the kitchen and sat down. There was a very succulent pasta dish waiting for us. Dorian was good in the kitchen, and this only made me think even more about the subject of children. Did Dorian want to be a father? He could be the kind of father who liked to cook. It was a good way to think positively about things, but there was also the question of whether he would be the father.
"Axel, I need to ask you," I said, after we'd been eating for a while. "Did EVE know about this?" I asked directly. At that moment, we stopped and looked at each other. I needed to know.
"No, Amelie," Axel replied. There was sincerity in his voice; I could believe it. "If EVE found out she was pregnant, she wouldn't think twice before having an abortion," he said, even more sincerely. It was no surprise to any of us there. I stared at him for a few seconds. "I can't say much about it, since I don't think it's a bad idea," he said.
"And you're in favor of abortion, even if it's your child?" I asked. Up until that moment, I hadn't taken the subject of being able to have an abortion seriously. I would consider it at some point, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.
Axel looked at me with a serious expression, pondering his words before answering. "Amelie, this is a decision we need to make together. I don't want to impose my opinion, but it's important that we talk about it and consider all the options," he said, trying to remain calm in the face of the delicate situation. "We still have the issue that we don't know who the father is," he said. It was true; we needed to remember that because it was a crucial part of the whole thing.
Dorian remained silent, but his expression reflected his concern and the weight of the situation. I knew we needed to discuss not only the possibility of abortion but also what it meant for each of us and how it would affect our lives. After Axel's opinion, I was afraid to ask Dorian's opinion. Of course, I hoped it would be Dorian's; after all, it would make things easier, especially if he wanted to be a father and I wanted to be a mother.
"I just want you to know that I'm not pressuring you into any decision. It's something we need to decide together," I added, looking at them both. The truth was that I was scared, confused, and not sure how to deal with this unexpected turn in my life. I still had to consider the idea that EVE had had unprotected sex with Carbon. The thought that the baby could be his added to my worry.
Dorian finally broke the silence, expressing what we were all thinking. "At least we're working with three possibilities. Amelie and I are having sex, and I know you and EVE are too. OWE's records show that lately all of EVE's partners have been protected, except Carbon," he said, looking at each of us. The third option was the biggest problem.
As we continued talking, we realized that this decision would affect not just me, but all of us. The dinner Dorian had prepared seemed less important than the weight of the words we were exchanging at the table. I think it was clear that no concrete decisions would be made at that dinner. More people needed to know and be included in the decision. We both had it and didn't have time to think about it.
I sighed as I thought about it. "Dorian, what do you think?" I finally asked. Maybe if I knew his opinion, I'd be able to think better about what I wanted. It wouldn't do any good if I wanted to have his child, but he didn't want me to. I wasn't fit to be a single mother. Of course, I knew that no matter what, they would be with me, but if I were to have the real experience of motherhood, I would want it to be with the father, not the friend.
"Honestly, I don't know, Amelie. I don't know if I'd be a good father, given all the life history I have," he said. To my surprise, he looked at Axel, not me. It was true that Dorian had seemed a little different over the last few days, but I hadn't imagined that it could be something so long-lasting. When was he going to open up to me?
After the discussion at the dinner table, we decided that we needed some time to reflect on the situation individually before making any important decisions. Axel suggested that we each express our feelings and thoughts on the matter, allowing room for an honest and open conversation, but that we would need Carbon and EVE for that. EVE was the one who worried me.
"Axel, do you think that when EVE finds out,, she'll go for an abortion? Could you stop her from doing anything before we've all decided?" I asked. The last thing I wanted was to have to come back after EVE and find out that she had already had the abortion. I didn't want to go through that. Axel had told me that he wouldn't let her think on her own. I was sure Dorian would help him with that. So I had to decide whether she or I would tell Carbon. For me, I wouldn't even tell.
We spent the next few hours sharing our worries, fears, and expectations. Axel stressed the importance of considering not only the immediate impact of pregnancy but also the long-term implications for our lives. Dorian, for his part, expressed his own insecurities and the anxiety he felt at the thought of becoming a father. Apparently, Axel had his mind set on not having children, while Dorian was really considering the idea.
As I listened to them both, I realized that the situation was not just about me and my decisions, but about the complex dynamics of the relationship we had. Our lives were intertwined in ways that neither of us could have foreseen, and given the circumstances with EVE, I would probably be forced to get rid of her before the child was born.
After more discussion, we agreed to give ourselves a few days to process the information and evaluate our own positions. Each of us needed to better understand what we wanted for the future and how the arrival of a child would change that scenario, should it arrive.
During this time, emotions would oscillate between tension and understanding. The individual conversations we had were deep and revealing, highlighting the importance of open and honest communication in times of crisis. I always knew I could count them both, but in moments like that, I knew for sure.
The next day, we met again to share our conclusions. Axel admitted that, despite his considerations, he really preferred not to have children, mainly because he knew that EVE didn't want to. It wouldn't be very nice to have a child who was Axel's, after all, it wasn't me he liked. Dorian expressed his willingness to support whatever decision I made, but he also admitted that he was willing to take on the responsibility of being a father, even though he was afraid. Maybe for him, we wouldn't have.
As for me, I was still undecided. The idea of becoming a mother was not something I had seriously considered before, and the potential impact of this decision on our lives weighed heavily on me. However, it was clear that whatever choice I made, I would have the support of both of them, although the biggest challenge would be facing Carbon and EVE.