Chapter 33 - Amelie

"How are things with Dorian?" Axel asked me as we drove. I had the feeling that he had been meaning to ask me that for a while, but perhaps he hadn't done so for lack of opportunity. "They seem to be making progress," he said, without taking his eyes off the road.

"We're finally trying things out as a couple, I think. Of course, my feelings for him have always been a bit subtle, and I don't know why it took us so long to admit it, but the truth is that I regret asking for it all this time," I commented to him, also without making eye contact.

"You mean you're dating?" he asked me, still holding my attention. Axel was even more focused than Dorian in traffic. Or maybe he was just embarrassed to ask and didn't want to look me in the eye. That was a possibility.

"I don't know if we can use that term," I said. "With the whole issue of EVE and the club, it's hard to label us, knowing what goes on behind the scenes. There's also the matter of you and EVE, who everyone knows are together," I said. I wasn't sure about that, but everyone was treating it like it was true, so I started treating it too.

"We're not together; in fact, we have never been. I asked her out several times, but she always refused, so I came to the conclusion that all she wanted was to have sex with me. She used to say that I was the only one who satisfied her, but now that Carbon has come along and everything has changed, I feel like I'm going to be discarded," he said. His serious, nonchalant manner made me wonder if he was sad about it or not.

"And how do you feel about that?" I wanted to know and was curious. Part of me liked going out of my way to help others. I'd been screwed over many times, but when it came to my two best friends, I really got into it. The truth was that since the appearance of EVE, our connections had become even stronger. Everything that happened to one of us seemed to reflect on the other as if we were really connected. If something bothered Axel or made him sad, it would somehow spill over onto me and Dorian too, even onto EVE.

"I don't want to be like Dorian. But I don't have much interest in therapy either, Amelie," he told me. "I've been used to official rejection from EVE, and I always knew that at some point someone might come along who was better than me and would blow her away. It's just that I expected it to be some random customer who was just paying for a woman one night. I didn't expect it to be someone so rich and important, and above all, genuinely interested in her and even in you," he said, letting off steam and putting his therapy argument completely to bed.

"Axel, if EVE turned down a serious commitment with you, of course, she's going to turn one down with Carbon. She seems determined to carry on with her deplorable life. I don't know if I can imagine her in a reality where she isn't having sex with various disgusting men for money. That's who she is," I said, staring at him. It was possible that he hadn't thought of it that way.

"I'm not sure about that, Amelie," he said. "I think EVE may be considering getting out of that life. In fact, if we compare what Carbon made her feel, it's a strong reason to do so. He has a lot of money, and he's very interested in her, plus we have you too. What if he wins you over? What if you give in to him? I'm sure that if that happens, her living with him will be inevitable. That could make her want him. I can't imagine a reality in which she would choose me, since all I was to her was someone to have good sex with. She found someone better," he said, finally facing me.

"Don't you think you're thinking too much? I'm not interested in Carbon myself," I said as if I really believed that. I was pretty nervous about what I'd done at his house, and after learning about everything he'd done with EVE, part of me was keen to find out and have the experience myself. It wasn't fair for me to go through pain that wasn't really mine. "I like Dorian," I emphasized. That wasn't a lie. Years of feelings wouldn't die easily. It hadn't even been a month since I'd met Carbon. I wouldn't sell myself for money. I wasn't EVE.

Axel hadn't said anything more, and I wondered if he really wasn't sad about the whole thing. Finally, we arrived at our destination. Before I got out of the car, he asked me how my pain was, and I lied, saying that it had almost completely subsided. It was a lie because everything was burning painfully, but it was lessening. At least, it seemed to be. He had told me that if I wanted, he could wait for me, and I said that if he had something to do, he could do it. I didn't like to deprive my friends of anything, and I already felt that they cared too much about me. Honestly, sometimes they acted as if I was going to end it all at any moment, and I needed them to stop me.

I entered the office, where Dr. Hans was waiting anxiously for me. "Good afternoon, Amelie," he said, smiling. Dr. Hans had always been very friendly. His years as a therapist had earned him many clients and even awards. I was surprised to get a last-minute appointment with him, as his schedule was always full.

"Good afternoon," I replied, taking a seat on the sofa. "Have you worked out who I am today?" I asked, trying to pretend I was EVE. Of course, like Axel and Dorian, he could clearly identify who was who. It was a game I had no chance of winning. He stared at me, knowing that, and then I laughed.

"You seem to be in a good mood," he said. "That's good," he commented. It was a fact that I used to walk into the room with a half-empty expression and various complaints from every department of my life. I didn't tend to smile much in the sessions, except when the subject got away from me. "Can I ask you the reason for the cancellation?" he asked me, interested. His expression already suggested that he had a notion of what it might be. "Does Dorian have something to do with it?"

"Yes," I answered immediately. I felt my face light up as I remembered being in his arms while we were in the car the day before. It seemed that even my pain had subsided with that memory. "We finally moved on. I confirmed my feelings for him, and he not only accepted but reciprocated," I said. "I was so happy about it and about what we'd been through that I just wanted to be with him even more. It was too important," I said.

"I can't tell you how happy I am to see your progress, Amelie. We've spent so long on this agenda, and you've dealt with so much, but you've finally reached your goal and broken through the barrier of fear of rejection," he said, taking notes. "I'd like to hear more about him soon. You still haven't managed to convince him to have a session, have you?" he wanted to know. I replied that it seemed like an impossible task. He laughed. "Well, many patients come here and tell me to my face that they don't believe in my work. Perhaps, instead of trying to convince them that therapy will help, you could get them to come for a session just to prove what a waste of time it all is. I'm sure I could get him to come back more often," he suggested. In theory, it was a good idea.

"I think it could work. At worst, I think he'd beat you up," I said, remembering that Dorian was the aggressive type. "But I think that out of respect for me and fear, he won't do that," I said. Dr. Hans was aware of everything about Dorian. I liked telling him everything.

He asked me a few more questions about how things were between us, and I told him everything. I told him about us in the car and how he had behaved. I told him about what was going on, and I finally got it off my chest about how EVE was acting. Likewise, I wasn't so sure I was going to talk to him about it, but my experience with therapy meant I couldn't hide anything. I felt that if I wasn't completely honest with the information, his advice would be incomplete and ineffective. I didn't want to waste time or make the wrong decisions. He listened carefully to everything and took notes. I liked knowing that he really cared about me. I hoped that everyone who had problems would find good professionals too.

"Well, Amelie. It's been a while since I last spoke to EVE," he said. It really had been a while. I'd expected this to happen eventually, so I wasn't surprised when he said it after I'd told him everything. "Do you think you could swap with EVE now, so we can talk?" he asked me. I couldn't deny it, but I couldn't promise that I could either.

EVE wanted to talk to him too.