Chapter 57

Luz.

Luz is enjoying this chat with Jomari and she doesn’t want it to end. If it was just up to her, she would let her friends wait behind that tree for another hour or two.

When Jomari pushed her away after the court hearing, she was so hurt that she tried to forget about him. But you can’t forget someone who has saved your life once, let alone twice. And now that they’re together, she realizes how much she has missed him.

And now he has something important to tell her.

The last time he told her something important, it was that he had fallen in love with her. What could it be now? That he wants to date? The thought gives her a frisson of excitement. She can’t say that she’s fallen in love with him. At the moment, what she feels towards him is more like an interest and a physical attraction. It’s nothing like what she felt for Crisanto or for Sir. But these things surely take time and, even if they’ve shared very powerful moments, she and Jomari haven’t known each other for long.

So she thinks that what she feels for him now is enough and, if he asks her out, she will say yes. And if he’s not going to ask her out, she hopes that at least the topic of conversation will require a lot of talking and will keep him on that bench with her for a while longer.

“What is it?” she asks him.

“That thing I told you when we were in the van...” he says awkwardly, letting go of her hands and clasping his tightly together.

Yes, when he told her that he’d fallen in love with her. This looks promising. She waits for him to continue.

“When I told you the reason I wished I had never met you?” he adds as if there might be any confusion or she might have forgotten.

“Yes, I remember,” she reassures him.

“I’m sorry, I should never have told you. It was none of your concerns or anything to do with you.”

“How could it be nothing to do with me?”

He had told her he loved her, not that he loved someone else.

“I mean it’s not your problem and you shouldn’t feel responsible about that too.”

“I don’t feel ‘responsible’ about it,” she reassured him.

Why was he making it sound like such a terrible thing?

“Anyway, please, forget what I told you then.”

But Luz doesn’t want to forget it. In her mind, she had primed herself to start dating him. How can he take it back? Can someone “unfall” in love?

Yes, she has stopped being in love with Sir, but that’s only because he rejected her offer. Instead, she has done nothing to trigger—or deserve—Jomari’s change of heart. But how can she protest about it?

“Fine. No worries. It’s all forgotten,” Luz says, trying to sound more upbeat than she feels.

“Thank you. Now we’d better walk up to that tree so that your friends can finally come out of hiding.”

***

Claudia.

Gianluca has spent every minute he’s been allowed here in the ward with me and our baby.

I imagine it’s a nightmare for Gianluca’s bodyguards keeping him safe in a place so full of people. They must be guarding the entrances because I haven’t seen them here in the ward. And I was very relieved that they didn’t follow us inside the birthing room!

The birth was exhausting. More painful than any RA flare-up I’ve had so far. I’m glad that we’re not in a relationship and nobody is expecting me to produce another child, because I don’t want to go through this all over again.

The baby is asleep in Gianluca’s arms. Gianluca is clearly smitten with him and he’s watching him so intently, so lovingly, that I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby woke up from the intensity of this adoration.

The baby grizzles.

“He needs milk,” Gianluca says.

I’ve never seen someone anticipate another person’s needs so eagerly.

“I’m sure he’s fine.”

“But it’s time for another feed.”

He’s right but my cracked nipples can’t take it. Gianluca sees my expression and understands.

“I’ve bought you a new nipple cream. I demanded to speak to the pharmacist in charge and she assured me that it was the best in the world. A miracle worker,” he says, taking a packet out of his pocket.

I don’t know how he manages to sleep, feed himself and always turn out here nicely dressed, when he seems to be spending all his time either here or buying things for the baby and me.

I don’t know what I would have done without him. My mum and dad are away on a cruise and I told them not to cut it short for me. They didn’t protest and I wondered if they would have continued their cruise even if I hadn’t offered.

“Thank you, that’s very kind.”

The baby continues to squirm and grizzle. I resign myself to the feed. I stretch my arms and Gianluca passes him over.

As soon as I feel his small weight in my arms, my heart feels with tenderness. I have never felt like this for any baby. In fact, I have never been a baby person. But now it’s all different.

He smells my breast and opens his tiny pink mouth in such a trusting way that I would feel bad if I put my finger in it instead of my nipple. He latches on quickly and painlessly and I can release the breath I was holding. A lovely tingling sensation spreads across my breasts as the milk starts flowing.

“Did it hurt?” Gianluca asks.

“Not this time.”

“He’s learning,” Gianluca says with pride, as if he had personally taught him how to suckle.

Flashbacks of Gianluca sucking at my breasts come to my mind uninvited. I push them away because that’s not going to happen ever again.

Some women worry, that after seeing them giving birth, their partners are put off having sex with them. I don’t need to worry about that because Gianluca and I are never going to have sexy fun and games again.

“We must choose him a name,” Gianluca says, not for the first time today.

“Yes, eventually.”

“We can’t wait forever. I have to register his birth,” Gianluca insists. “Also, it’s awkward to always call him ‘baby’.”

“Fine. We will when we get out of the hospital,” I say.

“Why are you so reluctant?”

“I guess it’s fear. Once we give him a name, he will officially exist and it will feel like the birthing process is over. Once he’s officially arrived, he can be taken away.”

“Who would take him away?”

“Death.”

“Ouch, Claudia!”

Gianluca touches his balls in the typical Sicilian gestures to ward off back luck.

“That’s a very pessimistic outlook,” he says. “And we have no reason to fear that. The doctors have checked him and he’s perfectly healthy.”

“But bad things can happen, often out of the blue,” I say.

A cloud comes over Gianluca’s face.

“You’re thinking in this way because of your RA.”

I wince at the word. I forgot that the midwife said it in front of him, so now he knows.

“Perhaps.”

“Claudia, why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s nothing important.”

“It’s what made you unwell when we were on my island, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you tell me it was period pains?”

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why? It’s not true that it’s not important, if it’s making you fear for your healthy newborn’s life, to the point that you don’t want to name him.”

“I’m ashamed of it,” I blurt out, and I’m shocked at my own sincerity.

It must be the birth hormones playing havoc with my brain.

“You should be. You should have told me.”

He’s misunderstood, he thinks I’m ashamed of not having told him.

“No, Gianluca. I’m ashamed of having RA.”

He looks surprised. “But there’s nothing to be ashamed about, and it’s not your fault anyway.”

“You were ashamed of your father’s crimes even if you weren’t the one who had committed them. Somehow, you felt that they tainted you. Can’t I be ashamed of something that’s actually to do with my own body instead of another person?”

“I thought you would think less of me once you knew the truth about my family. I feared that you would refuse to marry me. But why would I think less of you for having RA?”

“That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard, Gianluca! Can’t you see that someone could be reluctant to marry a woman with a chronic disease—one that is going to make her less and less able to do everyday things? My joints will become swollen and misshapen. I won’t be able to look after myself, let alone look after others. Are you seriously telling me that this makes me an attractive life partner and that you wouldn’t have thought twice before deciding to marry me?”

“I don’t know how I would have felt if I had known when we were about to get married, because I’m not the same guy anymore. I’m older now. But I can tell you that, right now, it makes no difference to me,” he says. “In fact, it makes me want to be with you even more, because I know that you will need me. I want to look after you and our baby. Please, let me do it. Stay with me.”

How can this conversation have gone from choosing the baby’s name to staying together?

I’m tensing up and the milk isn’t flowing so well. The baby grizzles a little.

“I’m sorry but I won’t be the disabled wife of the handsome billionaire courted by scores of beautiful women. The one that everyone tells him to leave. People whisper that he should have left her long ago, and that he must be stupid, masochistic or a hero for staying with her. And that she must be selfish, cruel or sadistic for not releasing him from the marriage bondage.”

He picks up my hands.

“Claudia, you can’t release me from a promise I’ve made in front of God. Only God or death can release me.”

“I didn’t know you were religious.”

“Maybe I’m not, but when I married you, I promised to stay with you for better or for worse. For me, marriage is for life, and love is forever.”

“Is this why you’ve never filed for divorce?” I ask him.

“Maybe it is, but it wasn’t consciously. I just put it off because something inside me didn’t want to do it. I felt that, if you wanted to break free from me, I would have to let you, because love doesn’t mean putting the loved one in a cage. I guess I was waiting for you to make the first step and tell me that you really didn’t want to be my wife anymore.”

I feel tears pricking my eyes. I had always thought that he hadn’t filed for divorce because he was too busy working and partying.

He strokes my cheeks and wipes the tears that have just started running down.

“But you never made that first step, you never filed for divorce,” he continues. “Now you know why I didn’t do it. I’d love to know why you didn’t do it.”

There’s only one truth about it. “Because I never stopped loving you. I hated you too—for going to Singapore, for lying about it, and for caring about your job more than you cared about mine or about me.”

He smiles. “Then, it’s all good. You still love me and I definitely still love you. We should be together.”

“No, Gianluca. I can’t be your wife anymore. You deserve someone better.”

“But it’s you I want. Can we at least live together?” he asks.

“Do you seriously think that your new wife would live with your old wife?” I ask him.

“There isn’t going to be a new wife. For me, it’s you or no one.”

“No, Gianluca. You must find a new wife. You deserve someone to love you and be your life companion. If you can’t think of anyone else, Luz really loves you.”

He narrows his eyes. “How do you know? Did you talk to her?”

“She came to me when I was still in Singapore and she begged me to go back to you. She couldn’t bear to see you suffer. I gave her my blessing and urged her to tell you her feelings.”

“You shouldn’t have done that. If I’ve given you my heart, it doesn’t mean that you can give it away to others. It doesn’t work like that.”

His tone is sharp and I understand that something has happened between them, and it wasn’t good. I hope that my encouragement didn’t push Luz to do something that backfired on her.

Our baby grizzles and drops my nipple. He squirms and his face turns into a grimace. He’s probably filling his nappy.

“I’ll change him,” Gianluca says.

I’m surprised by his eagerness to change a poopy nappy, but he’s probably just keen to get away from me.

“That’ll be great, thank you.”

I could do with some rest. The night feeds have been relentless.

Gianluca takes the baby off my arms and cradles his head in the crook of his arm like an experienced parent. With one hand, he takes a fresh nappy from the changing bag.

“Come, Luigi, let’s get you fresh and clean,” he tells the baby, and darts a smile at me.

I smile back. It’s only when they’re out in the corridor that I realize that he’s just given a name to our boy.