Chapter 16 — Checking on Kim

Dan woke up at three o’clock in the afternoon to an empty apartment. He wasn’t sure if he had dreamed about drinking coffee with Sam or if she really had mysteriously shown up in his apartment. The issue was resolved when he found Jim’s wallet and gun still sitting on the table in his living room.

After showering and shaving, he felt like he could function semi-normally. He checked with both the Milford and Mt. Carmel police departments and discovered that no one had reported last night’s assault. He guessed that the strip club was trying to keep everything quiet. That was good because he didn’t want Kim to have to lie during questioning to protect the club or that worthless piece of shit Jim.

He didn’t know if Kim had a DVD player or not, but he stopped on the way to her apartment and rented a romantic comedy. He wasn’t too sure about the ‘romance’ part, but the lady behind the counter assured him that this was a funny chick-flick that would pull anyone out of a bad mood. If Kim didn’t have a DVD player, he would pick one up for her tomorrow.

Dan sat in his car at the apartment complex for ten minutes before he got the courage to go to Kim’s apartment. He had failed to protect Kim in the strip club parking lot, he had failed to protect her after she drove off with Jim, and he wasn’t there for her after she ran back to the club. He got involved with her so he could help her and so far, he wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

Walking towards the apartment he realized just how much of a failure he had been throughout his whole life. He had always lived to protect the innocent, yet he failed to protect the civilians in Vietnam. He failed as a husband and allowed his wife to commit suicide. That was doubly bad because it meant that he also failed as a father and now had no idea if his daughter and grandchildren needed help. To top it all off, last year he failed as a policeman and didn’t find Kim until after she had already escaped from the kidnapper. All in all, he did not consider himself to be much of a man.

Kim opened her apartment door for him before he even had a chance to knock. She let him in and stood there in her green robe, barefooted, eyes downcast. Her hair was damp from a recent shower but brushed out. She was wearing mascara but no other makeup and smelled like a gentle sea breeze. Dan thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

He stood before her, feeling awkward, out of his element. “I called earlier, and your next-door neighbor picked up," Dan finally said. “She said that you were sedated and would probably be asleep for most of the afternoon.”

Kim nodded her head. “Yeah. Emerald gave me a couple of Valiums and they spaced me out pretty good. As soon as I woke up, I took another two, so I was out of it until about an hour ago.”

Dan didn’t know what to do. She looked like she needed a hug, but he didn’t think he should initiate it. “Why didn’t you call me, Kim?”

Kim didn’t look up. “I knew you’d be mad at me.”

Dan took a deep cleansing breath. “Listen, Baby, I’m not...”

The moment the word ‘Baby’ came out of Dan’s mouth, Kim launched herself into his arms. “Oh, Baby, I am so sorry. I thought I was being brave but I was just stupid, and I should never have gotten into that truck with Jim, and I know you don’t want me working at that club and you think I’m a whore because I let other men touch me and really, I’m so very sorry that my life is such a fucking mess, and I hope you can forgive me because I need you and I need you to be my mentor and my friend, please don’t throw me away.”

Dan held her tightly, letting her sob into his chest. He wasn’t sure what she was feeling—hell, he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. But the hug was comforting and made them both feel better, and they could sort the rest of it out later.

When it became clear that Kim wouldn’t be able to pull herself together for a while, he led them over to the couch and sat down. Kim surprised him by sitting in his lap and leaning her head on his shoulder. She was warm and soft and smelled nice, and the robe felt silky under his hand.

Dan settled into a comfortable position and stroked her back, trying to soothe her. However, after a few peaceful moments, he started worrying again about his involvement with this beautiful woman. He liked her and had to admit to himself that he enjoyed the way it felt to have her cuddled on his lap. But he was a fat old cop with limited income and no upside potential. He was not the sort of handsome, energetic young man that Kim should be with. And he certainly didn’t want to be a perverted old man who was taking advantage of a young woman in need.

Then Kim turned her head and gave him a gentle but needy kiss on the neck. He was deep in thought and wasn’t expecting it, so he automatically froze.

Kim immediately sensed the change in his demeanor and began to cry harder. “I am so sorry, Dan. I know you deserve someone better than me. I’m just a used-up stripper who gives hand-jobs to strangers in the back room. You are such a good guy; I wish I could be what you want.”

“No, Kim. It’s not that. I think you are a beautiful woman. You’re caring and sensitive. You’re a wonderful mother who is willing to sacrifice for her daughter. You’re smart, and you are a survivor. Any sane man would love to be in a relationship with you. But I also know what you’ve been through and I know you’ll take time to heal.”

“But you are healing me," she cried. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I feel safe with you. You are not like other men. I don’t want to pull away from your touch. I feel like a woman when I’m in your arms, and I haven’t felt like that in such a long time.”

“Kim, why do you want to hook up with a used-up old fart like me? Think of the future. In ten or fifteen years you’d probably have to push me around in a wheelchair and feed me gruel. You deserve better than that.”

Kim was ready to put up a fight. “Fuck the future. I have spent my whole life working for the future. Then last year I had to look death in the eye. I understand now that my future could be snuffed out at any moment. Why can’t I be happy now, for once?”

Kim once again decided that words weren’t going to work with Dan. She slid to the floor and untied her robe, kneeling before Dan. As she began to fumble with his belt, he grabbed her hands. When she looked at him and saw disapproval in his eyes she collapsed to the ground and began to sob heavily. “Why? Why won’t you let me touch you? Have I done something wrong? Do I disgust you?”

Dan’s mind was racing. He didn’t want things to go any further sexually, but he didn’t want to hurt Kim. He tried to come up with a good reason for making Kim stop. He tried to find something to say that wouldn’t crush her. Finally, in desperation, he blurted out the truth that he had kept hidden from everyone, even from himself. “Kim, I think I’m impotent.”

Kim heard Dan and thought about his words and what it cost him to say them. She stopped crying and climbed out of her well of self-pity. She held her face impassive. After a short pause and some sniffles, she said, “Oh. Listen, Baby, are you sure that’s the problem? Maybe you just haven’t had the right motivation. Maybe it will work with me.”

“I don’t think so, Kim. I usually can’t even get it up at home alone watching porn. I think there’s something wrong.”

Kim wanted to take the pressure off the situation, so she tied her robe closed. “Well, they have pills for it now, don’t they? I thought I just read something about that.”

“Yeah, I heard about them, but they are prescription only and I’m embarrassed to go to my doctor about it.”

“How long has it been like this?” she asked.

“Oh, I don’t know," he replied. “I started having some trouble with my wife before she died. That was a half-dozen years ago. I haven’t been with anyone but her since I was in my twenties.”

“It’s okay, Baby," she said. “This is something we can work on. There are plenty of other ways for us to be close. You know, there’s a lot more to sex than inserting Tab P into Slot V.”

“Maybe. But let’s take it slow, okay? I’m already worried about trying to keep up with you.”

Kim smiled and kissed Dan briefly on the lips. “Sure, Baby. I promise that I won’t attack you tonight. No expectations. No timetable. We’ll just take things as they come.”

Dan chuckled. “Yeah. It will be like it was when we were in High School.”

Kim smiled to herself. ‘No, Dan,’ she thought, ‘this isn’t like when I was in High School. If it was, you would have already banged me in the back of your car. That’s where Janice came from.’

Kim stood up, straightened her robe, and sat back in Dan’s lap. “So," she asked, “did you at least kiss back in High School?”