Chapter 27

I finally went inside, leaning against the door, as I thought about what he said and went over to my mom as she was in the living room. I lay down having my head resting on her lap and she brushed her fingers through my hair. It made me feel like a little kid as she did this and we stayed there, comfortably, for the rest of the evening as we watched the television. I was able to sleep through the night, my mom left my bedroom door open just in case, and by morning I was able to join her for breakfast having something small to eat. I had almost forgotten that it was Monday as we left to see Dr. Brown before going to school and I thought it was weird to still go to school since I missed my first period, but I couldn't risk missing my classes now that we’re near the end of the school year.

I explained to Dr. Brown about the event and how I had difficulties sleeping that night with the nightmares, but I felt that the shock of the event finally eased my emotions that I was able to discuss it. Reminding myself of what Elliot said, everything has ended and I’m trying to shake off this feeling as if I'm being tied down. I was there for almost an hour so by the time I returned to school, my second period was almost over and I only had the last two classes after lunch. Elliot met me before I made it to the library and we walked over to the table after getting our meals. Right away, everyone started asking questions and wanting some sort of explanation of the event at the beach.

“What happened?”

“That whole thing was so scary.”

“Did you see when the cops caught the guy?”

Everyone was talking at once and I wasn’t even sure which question to answer first before Luis told everyone to quiet down.

“Don’t be rude, guys. It’s not like he wants to talk about it.” He tells them.

I rubbed my forehead lightly, still feeling the bruise when I touched it, and sighed figuring out how to explain. “That was someone in middle school,” I said and I can see them waiting for more information. “We used to date and he slowly became violent."

I paused taking a deep breath, planning to tell them the truth so I should let it all out.

"I'll be completely honest here, aside from dealing with haphephobia, I have depression and anxiety that sometimes it can be hard to deal with. Because of the relationship I had with him and dealing with everything in my past, I tried to commit suicide.” I said as I looked down hoping that they could understand. “When I saw Chris yesterday I was scared that he would hurt you guys which was why I left with him and one thing led to another…”

Everyone fell silent, I felt Elliot wrap his arms around my shoulder trying to comfort me for speaking up and I wondered what everyone was thinking.

“I'm sorry that happened,” I said, taking a deep breath as I turned back to them. “And thank you for calling the police to help me. You guys really helped me.”

“That’s fine… If I had known how deep that was going to be we shouldn’t have bothered you with questions.” Karen said.

“Well, I wanted to bring it up about my condition that day anyway because I wanted everyone to know and hope to understand that I have a hard time dealing with things that you usually find normal,” I said. “So I’m sorry if I ever act up around you guys or if I get anxious. I’m trying to work on that.”

“After what we saw, it’s good that we followed after you and it’s good that you can tell us this so we can help out.” Fernando said as he started eating. “Honestly, something felt off about him.”

“No, didn’t you see Michael’s face? It went so white.” Jennifer replied.

“I think we should just talk about something else,” Luis said as he started eating as well.

I wasn’t comfortable to continue the conversation so I was thankful that Luis was able to end it at that and move on. The rest of the day went by fast and I went home right away when my mom came to pick me up. It seemed like she only wanted to keep an eye on me to see how I was doing after the whole event and maybe because I was injured this time she’s being cautious like she wanted me to be home. After two weeks went by, I brought up that I need to buy a tuxedo for Elliot’s prom and she seemed excited for this new positive event. That was all it took for her to let me go out again then when the weekend arrived Elliot and I went to the mall. It was nice sitting there watching him wear a suit and seeing the many styles that he can wear. Blue does look good on him.

“I don’t think we should have bought them and renting it would have been cheaper.” He told me as we walked around the mall.

“So we can spend more money again for next year's prom? And also we can wear it when something important comes up that we have to dress fancy.” I said as I was eating frozen yogurt that we stopped at after leaving the store.

“Is it because you like the suit or you think we’ll be wearing it more than once?” he asked me.

“Both,” I answered.

He laughs at my response, “Alright. I get it.”

I reached out to grab his arm. “Hey, while we’re here can we look at something?”

“Yeah, did you want to buy something?” He asked as he followed me.

“I wanted this jacket I saw last time we came here to the mall when we went bowling, but I decided not to get it… I kind of want to see if it's still there.” I said as I finished my frozen yogurt before we could enter the store.

“Why didn’t you get it?” He asked.

“I don’t know. It’s not easy just going to a store and paying in front of people” I said, a little embarrassed. “You don’t want to take long, it's an anxious feeling trying to get the money to pay because you feel like everyone is staring at you, and you feel like they could be judging you for the things you buy.”

“Hm, that has never crossed my mind before.” He said, thoughtfully.

“I only want to see if it’s here first before buying it,” I mumbled shyly as we walked inside the store.

“I’ll buy it for you,” he said.

“No, I’ll get it.” I said as I finally found it.

“If you want it then I’ll get it for you.” he insisted as he watched me pick out the size that’ll fit me.

I turned to him, “No, this is my own treat.” I answered. “Besides you didn’t let me buy you that book when I offered as well.”

Elliot smiled,giving in. “Alright. I understand.”

I gave him a smile in return as I grabbed the jacket and I did try it on just to see how it’ll look before making our way to purchase it feeling anxious as I looked around the store. Since the incident with Chris, I couldn’t help feeling cautious of my surroundings whenever I leave the house and afraid to be alone for a large amount of time. I knew that there was nothing for me to be worried about, but I couldn't help being alert that I have been needing someone close by me or I'll begin to panic afraid that I’ll be pulled away. Dr. Brown explained that it was just another trauma reaction and it would ease in time; it’s still a fresh memory that I can’t ease up just yet. I knew at one point I had to shake off these fears, but for now I’m trying to take it as slowly as I can and try to be comfortable when I step out of my house. Now that volleyball season is over, Elliot has been busy with his exams and he received more letters from the colleges he applied to.

“So, have you opened them?” I asked him as we're sitting in my room after returning from the mall.

“Kind of. I didn’t get accepted to the one I opened, but I have these two,” he said as he took the letters out of his backpack and looked at them. “What if they’re all rejection letters? I mean, it's great that I already got into one, but to know that three colleges don’t want me would suck even more.”

I gave him a reassuring smile. “But there is a college that wants you and it’s one that you do want to go to. If these are acceptance letters then you have more to choose from.”

“Your right.” He said, reaching out to open one of the letters as he leaned his shoulder against mine and after reading the letter he beamed. “They accepted me.”

“Now open the other one.” I encourage him.

Elliot took his time as he opened it and he couldn’t stop smiling as he took out the letter. “I got in!” he said.

“Congratulations,” I said, hugging him. “Now you have to decide which one you'll go to.”

He stayed quiet for a second as he looked at the letters before turning to me, “I’ll see what I decide on and how it goes from there.”

“Just think carefully,” I said and he moved to lay down on the bed.

“This is actually stressful. School and college then there are all the exams that are coming up. I’m just looking forward to prom and graduation.” he said, pulling me to lay beside him and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Then to move out to live with a stranger for a year or two and I won’t get to see you every day. I also can’t be there with you so that means I’m not around to keep Luis away from you. And what if something happens…”

I smiled as I listened to him and moved to lay on my side to face him, reaching my hand out to cup his face. “I’ll be fine… I thought about things like this for a while now and in the end I realized that it was selfish of me for putting myself first. I got myself too comfortable around you and to be worrying about what could happen when you aren’t around isn’t fair for you.” I tell him truthfully. “I should be worrying about myself, handle my problems without needing anyone's help and to show that I can do it. I want to get better while not tying you down with me; always shielding me.”

“You're not tying me down.” He retorts “I know, but I don’t want you to end up feeling like that in the end. Like you’ll regret later in life because you chose me first over anything else and I don’t want that for you.” I said, cutting him off. “If you want to go to that college that’s three hours away then go. If you want to dorm or move out a few cities down then do it. Don’t stop yourself because of me or our relationship.”

Elliot didn’t say anything as he looked at me and reached out pulling my hands away from his face. “And you’ll be okay with what I decide?”

“Of course,” I answered. “You were the one that told me that I’ll be alright.”

He smiled as he leaned forwards to kiss me, “I did.” he whispers.

He kissed me again feeling him leaning over me as I wrapped my arms over his shoulders pulling him closer and we stayed like this for a while. Being twinned with each other, just wanting a bit more of each other before I have to let him go. It seemed like we both wanted more and it was almost distracting that I didn’t realize his hands brushing over my waist feeling like it was dangerous to go further. Last time he was like this was at the waterfall and at this moment I didn’t mind it until I slowly reached for his hand knowing that he would stop immediately. He looked over at me to see if I was fine and I felt a little embarrassed having to stop him, but I knew he wouldn’t rush me into anything if I wasn’t ready.

“It’s fine,” he said as he kissed the side of my cheeks moving to lay back beside me.

“Besides, my mom is in the other room,” I said as I hid my face in his arms.

“Right. She’ll kick me out if she saw us.” He said, laughing.

I smiled as I remembered what he said, “Hold on, did you say that you were concerned about me being with Luis? Do I have to keep reminding you that he’s straight?”

“Then has there been another guy you’ve been eyeing on?” He asked me.

I shook my head, “No, just you.”

“Good. Keep it that way.”

I smiled for a second before looking at him again, “What about you?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever looked at anyone while dating me? Guy or girl?” I asked, curiously. “And be serious. I won’t get mad.”

Elliot didn’t answer right away until he shook his head, “I never looked at other people in any way like I do with you. I was curious about it at first too and I did check out other guys after you confessed to me, but I didn’t feel anything. Is that weird?”

I shook my head. “No, I think it’s okay to just love whoever you are interested in and it’s okay if you're not attractive to other guys while still interested in girls. I’m not going to judge.”

“I was curious about it at first, but at this moment I'm comfortable saying that I’m bisexual.” He said. “I know my parents are still adjusting to it, but I think now that I’ve spent more time with them it seems like they are more understanding now.”

“Was that why you've been busy seeing them over the weekend?” I asked.

“Yes, and bonding a bit more with my step-dad.” He answered. “I was actually thanking him recently…”

“For?”

“Everything… For being with my mom and me, for taking us in after my dad passed away, and for having Jason to call as my brother.” He tells me as he rests his head against me. “I don’t think I’ve ever told him that.”

“And why did you now?” I asked him as I reached out to brush his hair back.

“Seeing how difficult it is for you to express yourself and seeing how real life can be I realized that I never told him this; I felt like I should.” He answered, distracted with his thoughts. “The thought that my dad lost his life because he was alone still haunts me and it just felt like if I said it to my step-dad then it's like saying it to my real dad. Or maybe they both should hear that no matter what.”

I slowly lowered my hand looking at him as I thought about this. “You were still young. You couldn't understand his signs of depression or know how he felt. I hope you're not holding any grudges against yourself with his suicide. From my experience, suicide could look like your finally ending the darkness in your life or in your mind, but it doesn't solve the problem completely. Wherever your dad is now, I hope he's happy.”

Elliot took a small breath and I noticed that he was tearing up, “I hope. I never had the chance to talk about him like this and I never wanted to talk about him to my mom because I didn’t want the memory to hurt her.”

“Is it wrong to say that I just wanted someone to cry for me or to cry with me like you are crying for your dad.” I mumbled, closing my eyes trying not to become emotional as I hugged him. “I always thought it wasn’t fair that I always had to cry by myself.”

Elliot didn’t respond back and I wasn’t expecting him to.

I held onto him as he cried for a while until he was calmed and I thought about what he said; how he felt. I understood why he is still hurt from losing a parent to suicide considering my parents almost lost me and maybe it felt like he might not have been enough to keep his dad alive. Elliot kept saying that I'm strong, but so is he to deal with this at a young age and he doesn't see it. He never let himself see how great he is and I wish he knew. No, he should know. I slowly moved to sit up as I thought about the words I wanted to tell him. He's always been the one to lecture me, guide me, but I want a turn before he has to leave for college and be able to finally speak about my feelings that I’m always scared to share.

“So, can I have a turn to say ‘thank you’ to you as you did with your step-dad?” I asked him.

“You don’t have to…”

“But I want to”

He was about to respond back, but I cut him off because I needed to say the words right now as I'm thinking of them and make sure that I can say them clearly.

“Thank you for stepping out of that classroom to meet me and tried to be my friend on my first day of school. Thank you for checking on me and helping me go to school as I adjust myself after moving. Thank you for helping me get through my episodes and my anxiety attacks when I didn’t know how to handle them.” I say as I'm tearing up now. “Thank you for showing me how to be a friend and standing up when I was bullied. For not laughing at me when I confessed or that you didn’t turn me away right after for being gay. For being my boyfriend who doesn’t take advantage of me, hurt me, or make me feel worthless. Thank you for being you. I never thought I could ever meet a person that could love me as much as you have shown me.”

I had more to say, so much more, but I couldn’t say them anymore. I was in tears that it was already hard for me to finish my last sentence. I wanted to tell him how I love him.

Was that what I wanted to say the whole time? Since when? Since he held on to me after I destroyed my room or since the day he slept over and I woke up beside him? Was it the way he held on to me, always reassuring me, and felt like I was important? It felt like these feelings were already there for a while now and I just never knew what they meant. With him, I always wanted more, but I thought it was selfish to think like that and I couldn’t ask for more or everything would be taken away from me. I clutched my shirt as I realized these thoughts and the words that I said to him.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He was quiet and I wasn’t sure if he even heard me. If he didn’t, I don’t think I couldn’t say it again. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? Maybe it wasn’t that. I don’t know what that word means since I never let myself be so close to anyone until I met Elliot a few months ago.

“Forget what I said.” I said, covering my face trying to wipe away my tears and moved to lay back down trying to not feel anxious, but he moved a bit to lean closer to me.

“Wait. Say it again.” He asked as he reached out grabbing my wrist to pull my hands away from my face.

“No,” I said, lowering my hand.

“Please.”

I paused as I couldn’t look at him and I didn’t want to be disappointed, but I was curious to see his expression.

“I said I love yo-”

He didn’t let me finish my sentence. Before I could get the words out his lips were over my own, warm and intense, that it felt different than usual. I wrapped my arms around him as he pulled me to sit up and I prompted myself to lean back against the headboard. He mumbled something, but I was too distracted feeling his hands run from my back towards my waist like before and I reached my hands out to pull them away so he held onto my hands instead. I try to focus again on what he was saying as he traced his fingers up my arm.

“What?” I asked, trying to hear him.

“I love you too.” He repeated as he stopped to look at me.

We looked at each other for a long second as I held his hand and looked down running my fingers over his palm. “And that’s really okay?”

“Of course,” he said as he moved to sit beside me. “I actually wanted to tell you this, but I was always afraid that it was too soon or not the right time. Maybe it is too soon for us to say it, but it's how I feel. How we feel now.”

“I… I didn’t know what love meant before.” I tried to explain but I felt a little embarrassed to tell him. “I mean, I know that I like you, but it felt like that wasn’t the word to how I actually felt. Saying that I like you wasn’t enough.”

Elliot didn’t say anything for a second and I wondered if I had said too much when he leaned his head against me, “Then I’ll just say it all the time to you so you can know what it means.” He whispers.

I smiled as I wrapped my arms around him, “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s embarrassing,” I answered.

“Oh, now it’s embarrassing?”

“Yeah…”

“Then when can I say it?” he asks me.

I thought about it. “When I say it.”

He laughed, “That’s not fair.”

Something within us changes afterward after that day or maybe it was me. How can the things we talked about made life easier to breathe? I was already taking slow breaths when I came to this school, taking a step when I met Elliot and they kept going higher as I made friends and being able to do more then I have ever done before. But now it felt like I was running. In my mind, I was beginning to panic because I thought I was running away from a monster that I couldn’t escape from but within the time I was able to finally lose it and found a new path that I wanted to explore. This new path that I didn’t know where it was going, what will be at the end of it, who I will meet? All sorts of wonder that slowly it wasn’t so frightening anymore. It was never easy yet, as Elliot said, I’ll be fine.

Dr. Brown told me that it was okay to be anxious because I have people that I care about, which is true, but I don’t think I’ve ever told her that I also wanted to be loved by them as well. My mom would always tell me that she loves me, and I would always say it back, and after a while I realized that I only knew what love felt from a parent. I thought I knew, but I was wrong and that left me to wonder if love was even real to being with. My parents didn’t stay together out of love; Chris' parents might not have loved him enough to notice what was wrong with him and he also didn’t know how to cherish people who cared. It’s not an excuse for everything that happened and maybe it could have been different between us, but I’m happy where I am now. Life finally feels real.

“Michael. Come on.”

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror as I looked over my black tuxedo that was navy blue with Paisley Patterns on the vest and tie; it was like looking at someone else. I had to pull myself away as I walked over to the living room and my mom started taking pictures once she saw me. She hasn’t stopped taking pictures since I tied my shoes and I’m not sure who's more excited now: her or me. She helped me comb my hair after cutting a bit on the side, I wanted to keep my wavy hair on top, and we were both struggling on tying my tie so I ended up video-calling my dad to help. I was about to go outside when my mom told me to wait inside because she wanted more pictures so had Elliot to meet me at the door.

“Mom, just one picture,” I said as I can see him walking up to the front door.

“You boys look so handsome.” She said once she saw Elliot walk in and started taking pictures.

I blushed as I saw Elliot dressed and even though I already saw him in the tux when we tried them at the mall, he looked so much better in it now. “You look good,” I said.

“You too,” he said as he walked over to me and kissed my cheek. “But you’ll look better with this…”

I noticed the box in his hand as he began to open it, taking out two boutonnieres with a small blue lily and two white orchids. He took one from the box and moved closer to me as he pinned it onto my chest pocket; my mom taking pictures the whole time. My face must be red as I watched him and then I moved so that I could put the other on his coat. I’ve always seen it in those teens prom movies, but I didn’t think Elliot would actually go out and buy one; I’m so happy he did. I couldn’t help beaming as I looked at the flower before finally taking a proper picture together so we can be free and make our way to the dance.

We went to a city over to go to a hotel where the dance will be held and when inside it was bright with crystal chandeliers while beneath my feet was a long red carpet. I must be like a child because I couldn't stop myself from looking around, seeing the waiters as they were handing out appetizers for us and the dance floor a little far to the right of the ballroom. I wasn't interested in dancing, but I wanted to have a look to explore curiously and after some time we found a table with some of Elliot's teammates who I have met on some occasion.

I didn’t mind joining them after Elliot was comfortable sharing about our relationship and we didn’t have to hide it while enjoying our night.

Now that we no longer hide our relationship from our friends, it's just a nice feeling hearing him announce our relationship and also happy that he was comfortable to say it. I've always said that I am never embarrassed about being open while in a relationship with the person of the same sex, but it's a greater feeling having the people around us accepts us and not be discriminated against us. Maybe this was also what I wished for from Chris and created the problems between us; to be able to commit to a relationship when we both didn’t know what it meant to be a couple or know our own limitations to not take advantage of our own feelings. We were too young.

I already had my own problems that I used our relationship to hide away from while he used me to hide away from his reckless life that he confused himself along the way. I hope that someday he can change and find someone that’ll help him like Elliot helped me. Elliot and I spent the night talking with his friends, being able to get to know them more, and hearing their thoughts about college. Hearing about the college that they were accepted to or their other plans after graduation. I wondered if Elliot will continue to contact them or he didn't mind not seeing them after graduation; they all seemed so close. It was nice being able to listen into the conversation like I was part of their group.

“Come on,” He said as he reached for my hand and I stood up following beside him.

We were walking to the dance floor and I realized that it was only couple’s dancing now after they changed the music. I would have rather stayed seated if it weren't for the fact that he was leading me to a slow song, but was taking me towards the middle of the dance floor and I looked around shyly as I saw a few people glance over at us. I felt Elliot’s hand placed on my waist and I turned back to him slowly putting my own arms over his shoulders. This was so embarrassing because I should have practiced beforehand if I knew we were going to dance and it's a slow song too. Dancing, in general, is so difficult, but slow dancing was far worse because he’s holding me so close as we swayed to the music and I wondered if I’m doing this right.

“Just relax,” he whispered. “And just follow me.”

I took a deep breath as I rested my head against his shoulders as I just followed his footsteps and listened to the music trying to feel everything while forgetting about everything so I can focus on us. As I’m listening to the music, I can only feel the warmth of Elliot’s arms around me and kept my eyes closed as I imagined us dancing in a grand ballroom like in Cinderella. I smiled at my imagination as I pulled away once the music ended. Elliot didn’t let go of me and I looked at him immediately seeing his expression. I laughed at his hesitation as I wrapped my arms around him again and leaned forwards giving him a kiss that he was waiting for. Was this how prom will be like for me next year?

Elliot didn’t mind that I didn’t want to dance again and the only time he pulled me to dance again was when they played the last song for the night. I was enjoying the time I had with him until all this is over; until summer starts and everything will change. I leaned my head against his shoulders and he looked down at me raising a hand to brush it over the top of my head messing up my hair. It was already midnight when Elliot looked at his phone then moved to grab my hand to follow him. Confused, we walked out of the building and it seemed like we were leaving already.

“Where are we going?” I asked him.

“To hang out with our other friends before the night ends.” He said as he takes off his coat and unlocks the car.

“Are they all at Fernando’s?” I asked as I got inside.

“Yeah,” he said as he started the car.

From the location where the prom was being held, it took us almost half an hour or more to get to Fernando’s house because we stopped by to grab something to eat. We walked over to the backyard, I could hear the guys whistling at us and I smiled as I found a place to sit on the long table while Elliot grabbed a chair to sit beside me. I took off my coat and was careful with my tuxedo trying not to get it dirty as they tried to have me jump in the water and I knew that they were messing with me. I told them about our night, how everything looked from the fancy hotel where the dance was being held and the meals they gave us which was good, but small.

I held Elliot’s hand as I had wanted to say something else to everyone now that summer vacation is finally around the corner and that meant so many things are going to change around us. Elliot and I agreed to wait until his graduation to announce the college he would be going to because I was going to be happy with his decision no matter what and it wasn’t going to change anything between us. I also expressed my thoughts about spending more time with my friends without him because I needed to learn to depend on myself and learn to control my anxiety without depending on others. I have to learn now until it’s my turn to graduate and be on my own to handle the new challenges that Elliot is about to face.

I sat there, looking around at everyone before I slowly got up as I tried to gather up my courage and everyone slowly turned as they now have my attention.

“Um, I just wanted to say something…” I started, now feeling shy, that I decided to make this sudden speech. “Now that school is almost over and we’re almost going to start vacation…”

“What is it?” I heard one of them say.

“Say it,”

I pressed my lips together and took a breath.

“I know all of you still don’t know me so well compared to your long years of friendship with each other, but I just want to say thank you for letting me be part of your group this semester. I wasn’t so open about myself in the beginning and I came with so many problems, but you guys treated me so well like I wasn’t anything different to you.” I told them and I knew I had to say everything now before I get emotional. “Before coming to this school, I didn’t like myself and I thought I'll never have friends because I was afraid. I was afraid to get close to anyone and felt like maybe they won’t like me either, but now it feels like I don’t deserve all of you… I just hope that you will still continue to be there with me next year; I hope that you can still call me your friend. And to still invite me to join you guys during the summer because you want me around.”

I stopped myself from continuing on because I wasn’t sure what to say now and I didn’t want to become a crying mess. I saw Louis stand up from across the table and walked over to wrap his arms around me as he hugged me tightly. I was almost taken aback when Jennifer hugged me now but didn’t think I was going to get a reaction like this. It's a blessing I’m sure of it. I remembered saying that I didn’t want things to change and it's great how things are going, but I want more now. I want to see what else could happen when entering my senior year of high school then entering college.

I know that I will have to deal with my mental illness and continue to learn to live with it, but now I can finally say that I want to keep on living. I want to live and build a new life for myself. I want to see the future I thought I’d never have and I want to be selfish of the things I want to do or say or have. There is a world that I need to see and I have to be ready for it on my own or with the people that I love.