35-Confliction

**Ezra**

I hear the familiar sounds of Isabella's sweet moans coming from her bedroom and Marcello giving her commands. I want nothing more than to join them, but I feel as if the walls are closing in on me. There is no doubt Isabella was made for Marcello. She doesn't want children, and neither does he. It does not look like adoption will be working out for me anytime soon- that hit me harder than I will admit to Marcello or Isabella. I swore this wouldn't change a thing, but the longer I sit and think about the things I'll never have, my heart shatters.

I would give anything to become a father. To look into my child's eyes and see myself and the woman I love. My son would have my hair and nose but his mother's eyes and captivating smile. My daughter would be a spitting image of her mother, perfect in every way. Her brother would be her protector, and I would teach her the true meaning of love so that she would never settle for less than she deserves. My son would find a loving wife who brings him peace when the weight of the world becomes too heavy. I would walk my daughter down the aisle and give her away to a man worthy of praising her for the rest of her life. Then, here comes the grandchildren. My legacy. The very reason for my existence.

But how could I ever have those things if I do not have Isabella? Just the thought of impregnating another woman makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe I could pay for a surrogate and use my sperm, but I wonder if Isabella would allow me to use her eggs. I can respect that she does not want to sacrifice her body to grow a child, but she also does not want to take on the responsibilities of being a mother. Adopting older kids felt different because they would not depend on her, and I would be their primary guardian. She was willing to support my decision to adopt and would help in some ways, but I have a feeling that was asking too much of her.

If she does not agree with me finding a surrogate, then I think I should back out of the relationship. I will be a single father and focus on my children. I could never love another woman the way I love Isabella, but maybe one day I will find someone with the same goals and desires. Fuck, I hate thinking about other women at all. Isabella is the love of my life, but sometimes love isn't enough. I understand there are sacrifices in relationships but am I willing to sacrifice fatherhood? I'm not so sure anymore.

I don't know how much time has passed, but I do know it is late at night by the time Marcello comes into my office.

"I expected you to come and join Isabella and me. She finally ate some soup and went to sleep." He sits in the black leather chair on the other side of my desk.

"I have too much on my mind tonight." I fill my shot glass with whiskey and throw it back for the millionth time tonight. Isabella would be pissed if she knew I was drinking to alter my emotions.

"It must be serious if you brought out the Pappy Van Winkle. What is on your mind?" He pours himself a glass and waits for my response.

"I don't know where to begin." The whiskey makes my body feel warm, but my heart is running colder by the second. Maybe the alcohol is bringing out more anger than I anticipated, and I know I should stop. I can't let my emotions get the best of me, especially when Isabella is hurting. My mind and heart are in a dangerous war with one another.

"You can start with what exactly put you in this mood, to begin with." Sometimes it's nice to have a friend who is so close, but sometimes it sucks. I simply want to drown my sorrows with this bottle of whiskey and go to bed when I feel numb enough.

"I won't wait another three years to have children. And that is just the minimum amount of time it will take to start the process. It could take years more than that, and I'm not getting any younger. At this rate, I won't be alive to meet my grandchildren. The love of my life doesn't want to be a mother, and I have no problem respecting her body, but once we get to Italy, I will start searching for a surrogate. It's the quickest process, and the children will at least have my DNA. Adoption can come later." Marcello's eyebrows shoot up. I already know what he's thinking, but I don't give a shit. There has to be a compromise with this, or I will forever feel a hole in my heart.

"I think you should ask Isabella how she feels about another woman carrying your child. How often would you be in touch with this woman? What if the surrogate gets pregnant with your child and decides she can't hand the baby over to you? Would you be willing to co-parent with that woman?" I am to the point where I have no control over my face, so he notices my indifference towards him, "You know I support you no matter what, but I think you should give it more time to consider other options and talk to Isabella before you decide."

"If Isabella doesn't want another woman carrying my child, then she needs to think of a better plan before I find the perfect candidate. I respect her choice to not become a mother, so I expect the same respect when I choose to become a father." I rise from my chair and walk away from the discussion. There is nothing more to say because I have already made up my drunken mind.

Instead of going to Isabella's room, I stumble into mine. I feel like an ass for not being the man Isabella needed today, but the weight of the bad news became heavier than I can bear. The last thing she needs is another negative person in her life to bring her down. I'll plaster a smile on my face tomorrow and tough it out, but I will give her an ultimatum once I feel she can handle the conversation. She can either support the surrogate idea, and we will stay together, or we separate so that I can have the family I always wanted. Some might say I am a piece of shit who led her on, but I would be the devil himself if I forced a child on a woman who doesn't want it.