Price of honesty

Price of honesty
(Bella)

I knew I wanted Dean, I wanted him so badly. Even now my body still tingles from his touch. I just realize how much I've missed him.

That kiss, his gaze that makes me weak to my knees, it all reminded me that I was starving.

I could feel the wave of heat washing over me when my eyes strayed to his crotch, I just couldn't help it, my mind instantly projected him naked, and his cock buried deep inside me, what those gorgeous hands of his could do to me.

But then, I shook my head, inwardly scolding my lewd thoughts.

My walls had crumbled to dust when Dean said he has and will always love me.

Strangely I didn't doubt his love, I had looked into his eyes, searching for even the barest traces of lies but I found none.

I see the way he looks at me and that itself tells me more than I need to know.

A part of me wanted to tell him that I never stopped loving him. But I restrained myself from doing so. I'll put it down to being cautious, and yet my whole body screams at me to admit that I love this man, more than anything, that I was done fighting my feelings.

But I didn't, instead I let him kiss me, I melted into his arms, and for the first time in a long time I let myself be vulnerable around him, hoping it'll convey a message than any words could.

The unease I had felt before I opened my door to him, the endless stream of thoughts begins to slow down.

Perhaps, my logic was wrong, pushing Dean away wouldn't solve the problem. Still, a small part of me was still holding back though, still terrified, there's always a fear that our happiness will be cut short by his mother and Ashley.

But then, do I let this fear get in the way of my— our happiness?

Probably not.

I exhaled deeply. Right now, I need to take it one step at a time.

This conversation with Calvin tomorrow is taking enough of my nerves.



The next day, I had meticulously explained everything to Ivy and by the time I was done, she goes silent from her end.

After a heartbeat she breathed out. "So, what's the deal? Are you giving him a chance or…?"

I dragged in a ragged breath. "I want to. He's been sincere with me about his regrets, and it's clear he's willing to go extra miles to make up for the past,"

Ivy furrows her eyebrows through the screen, sensing there's more I'm holding back. "But?" She fixes her gaze on me.

I shrug. "A part of me is still holding back for obvious reasons, do you think I'm being unreasonable?"

She shakes her head and gives me a tiny smile. "That's natural, given the way things ended between you both. It's okay to be cautious," she pause and looks at me. "I'm no fan of men and their stunts but I know you love this guy, I see the way your eyes crinkle when you talk about him, angry or otherwise. Maybe, just maybe this is a chance to let go of some of the pain you've carried all these years,"

I go silent for a second, taking in Ivy's words. I look back up at her and nod slowly with a smile, appreciative of her kind words.

I need not to be told though, I had explicitly opened up my heart for Dean and there was no going back.

Even though I still can't tell him that now, all I have to do is to stop fighting the inevitable and let everything unfold naturally.



I forced a deep breath into my lungs. I could feel my own nervousness as I sit just across from Calvin.

I kept fiddling with my fork in my plate, unable to eat the salad I had ordered. Actually I didn't want to, but I felt it'd be awkward letting Calvin eat alone.

We sit in silence for more than a few minutes until Calvin put down his knife and fork and wiped his mouth clean. He reaches to my hand and takes it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

He looks at me a bit nervous now. "Bella, you know I like you, more than just a friend," he confesses, his eyes pinned painfully on me. "I want more, let's get in an actual relationship and see where it goes?" He says, his eyes never leaving mine.

My face falls flat and I could feel my throat burn, a lump forming there. Calvin furrows his eyebrows as he notices my expression but before he could say anything I blurted out. "I— I can't, I really can't, Calvin." I say earnestly.

Calvin's expression falters and I see the twitch in the corner of his mouth. "Why?" an edge surfaced in his tone.

I sucked in a shaky breath and mustered my courage, I locked my eyes on his. "It just won't work,"

He gives me a measured look, his jaw clenching. "You can't say that, we haven't even tried, how can you already know?"

I bite the inner side of my cheek, guilt slowly twisting my guts.

I hold his gaze a second longer and say calmly. "I like you, Calvin. I really do, just not in that way," I felt that there might be holes in my lungs because I kept losing my breath on every note. "I want you in my life, but as friends, just like we've always been,"

"Bullshit," he draws his hand away from mine and the hurt in his eyes is like a punch to the gut. "This is because of him, isn't it?" He struggles to keep his voice calm on the surface but I could hear the slight tremble in it, his eyes searching mine for answers. It's clear he's hurting.

My heart begins to hammer against my ribcage. I swallow hard, feeling the knot in my stomach tighten.

I shake my head. "This isn't about, Dean. I care about you and that's why I want to be honest with you," I explained, hoping to get through to him.

But he still doesn't get it. "It has to be, otherwise why think we can't work out?" He takes my hand again, his eyes almost pleading. "He hurt you, Bella. He has little or no faint in you, but I do, I'm nothing like him,"

The pain in his eyes and his features tugs at my heart, it sucks to see him so down.

I didn't want to hurt Calvin, and that's the only reason I couldn't tell him the truth sooner. "This has nothing to do with Dean. You mean so much to me and I just don't want to lie to you," I say earnestly, feeling the tension between us.

My eyes darts away for a moment, I can't bring myself to look at him. 

But his next words drags my attention back to him. 

He lets out a chuckle but there's no real humor in it. "I guess I'm being left behind again, everyone I've ever cared about choosing what's convenient for them, their dreams, careers over me." he hissed, his voice edged with frustration.

I can't tell if that's aimed at me or not. I don't know the full story with his ex, but I could tell he was hurt badly.

I'm about to say something but the words shrivel up in my mouth as I heard a familiar voice call my name from behind me.

I whirled around and gasp at the sight of Dean's cousin.

Rihanna is smiling down at me, and I get up quickly. "Oh, my God. How— when did you return?" I stutter.

The last time we spoke was during and after my wedding, I remember Dean saying he wasn't sure when she'd be back from London.

But then something happened, as I pull away from our hug, Rihanna froze, her gaze stuck behind me.

I follow her gaze and it's on Calvin, who looks just as terrified.

I pause, looking between the both of them. "Wait you two know each other?" I ask, the confusion evident in my face.

But none of them said anything and then, Calvin stands up and begins to walk away, but not before I see his eyes flicker on Rihanna.

Weird.