Letting it all out

Letting it all out
(Bella)

I flip over for what feels like the hundredth time, unable to sleep, my mind just won't stop racing, Dean's sad eyes haunted my mind.

Frustrated, I throw off the covers and drag myself out of bed, wearing no more than red silk nightgown.

I head to the kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water and go through my emails later, hoping it'd help quiet my mind, somehow. But not before checking in on Javier and Jasmine.

With a bottle of water and a clean glass in hand, I move to the kitchen island and sat down. 

But just as I take the first gulp, I hear a knock on the door.

I squint, checking the time on my phone. Who could possibly be knocking on my door, and at this time?

It's a few minutes past 9PM, not too late but I don't usually have anyone over at this time.

I place the glass back down and shuffle to the door. When I opened the door, I'm startled to see Dean standing there, ashen-faced.

I didn't expect he'd be here, especially when I got his text earlier saying he had a late night meeting and he won't be able to come around. 

His eyes striped me bare and then he mutters. "Hey," his breathy voice teased every nerve in my body.

Even with his not so bright face, he was not less sexy, no matter what, there will always be a part of me that's attracted to him.

I swallow hard, feeling the knot in my stomach tighten. "Why are— are you here? I mean, I got your text," my words stumbles out in a stutter but my voice is calm. "And the kids are off to bed," I add.

He drags in a sharp breath and runs a hand over his face. "I know. But I'm not here to see the kids," he mutter and then he looks at me directly. "I'm here to see you," his expression softens as he narrows his eyes on me.

My lips parted but no words could come out.

Oh no, is this about the other night?

My heart ramps.

"Please can we talk, like really talk?" His tone is pleading.

I gather my thoughts and straightened up. "I don't think there's anything to talk about, Dean. It's late, you should go home," I assert, my voice hoarse.

I wanted to close the door and walk away but then his next words glued me to a spot.

"I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay, I'm tired of feigning a smile," he holds my gaze and I feel a lump form in my throat. "I've been lying to myself all these years, starting a relationship with Ashley just because I wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I have moved on but the truth is….," he pause, his face raw with emotion. "I've never been able to get over you," he breathed out in a way that gets my heart racing.

And when I look at him, there's something in his eyes, a vulnerability I have never seen before, and that made my eyes dart away for a moment, I couldn't bring myself to look at him anymore.

"Why are you telling me this?" I choked out, the words catching in my throat.

"Because I want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you, I've been living in regret and it's killing me slowly,"

His words riled me up and I turn to face him. "It wasn't?" I ask, a hollow laugh escaping me and then I begin to walk into the living room with him in tow.

I hear him close the door behind him and only then did I turn and snap at him, my emotions getting the better part of me.

"You left me heartbroken and pregnant. Do you even know how many nights I lay awake, wondering if what we shared meant nothing? And now, after all this time, you just say sorry and expect me to just… what? Forget everything?" I spat, my voice trembling with both anger and hurt.

He goes silent for a second and when he looks up at me, I see real regret in his eyes and on his face.

He opens his mouth and closes it right back, it took another second before he says. "I take all the blame, I should have trusted you and believe me if I can turn back the hands of time, I wouldn't do that to you,"

My breath hitched as his words sink in. I feel my resolve crumbling slightly but the pain of the past is still there, like an open wound refusing to heal.

But seeing Dean's voice clad with raw emotion, unfiltered, makes my chest tighten even more.

I try to get hold of the overwhelming emotions threatening to consume me.

Dean takes a cautious step forward and continues. "I need you to know that my feelings never changed, I love you, I always have and that'll never change,"

I feel a flutter of something inside me, it buzzed, merrily and I can't seem to stop it.

I quickly close my eyes, trying to block out the intensity of his confession. "Dean…," I whisper, my voice breaking slightly. "I can't trust you, and trust is everything. You hurt me more than anyone ever has,"

His expression falters in deep regret and then he reaches for my hand and I let him take it. "I know I did, I'll forever regret it. But if there's even the smallest chance—," his voice cracks and I watch him swallow hard. "If you give me even the tiniest chance, I'll rebuild what we used to have, even more stronger, get you to trust me again, I'll fight for you, for us, our love."

My lips tremble and I struggle to hold back my tears. I wanted to believe him, to let his words heal the pain I'd carried for so long.

My head tells me to keep putting up walls, to protect myself, my heart slowly whispers that it's okay to let him in, that what we had is worth a second shot. But the fear of being hurt and disappointed again loomed large.

I look up at him, and I couldn't hold my tears anymore, it trickles down my cheek. "I don't know Dean. Your mom doesn't want us together, she'll always work against me,"

Dean's hand move to my face and he gently wiped my tears, while his other hand is still entangled with mine. "I have a no contact order on her, Ashley included. I cut ties with mother, she won't bother you again, I'll see that she doesn't,"

I'm taken aback, he cut his mom off?

I swallow hard.

That's…. intense.

But then the doubt creeps in, like a trail of icy needles at the nape of my neck.

Will that even keep them away, stop them from trying?

Ashley is dangerous, more dangerous than anyone could ever think of.

Is it okay to love Dean, knowing what it'll all bring?