Chapter 49 Chilly air
Lana's POV
I was shaken awake, groaning, I turned on my side. I continued to try to sleep, but I was shaken awake again. "Lana, you need to eat something," I heard aunt Amber's voice.
"I'm not hungry," I said.
"It is important that you eat. I made your siblings something to eat. Come on," she tried to encourage me. I turned on my back and I looked at her. My lamp was shining. She was sitting beside me on my bed. I must've fallen asleep for so long. She gave me a little sympathetic smile.
"Can I just have something small?" I asked.
She nodded, "Sure, now get out of bed, everyone else is downstairs," she said as she stood up. With another groan, I got out of bed. I do not care how I look, I followed after aunt Amber.
I could hear talking and my siblings just arguing too, as usual, as we walked down the stairs. I could feel that my throat was starting to close up, like this type of suffocating. I don't think that I'm ready for people yet. Aunt Amber wouldn't leave me alone until I eat something, so I forced myself to just walk into the kitchen. I didn't bother to look at anyone in the lounge. Through the suffocating, there was a lump in my throat too, as tears well up. I tried to blink them away as I stare at the side of the dinner table where my dad always sat. The only thing is that his mug is still on the table.
We bought that mug for him when it was father's day and he always drank out of it. It was a black mug and it stated 'Best dad'. I just stood in the doorway, hugging myself as the tears ran down my cheeks, my one hand against my throat. I cannot be here. Aunt Amber is at the sink as she makes something for me. It was only the two of us here in the kitchen. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop a sob, but when I do manage to stop it in time. I opened my eyes but aunt Amber held my father's mug in her hand.
"Please, put that down," I said, calmly.
"I need to put this away so that the table is clean," she said, still holding the mug.
"No, please put it down," I repeated.
"Lana, sweetie. Everything will be okay. Its only a mug," she said.
"It is not just a mug, its my dad's mug," I replied as I rushed over to her side and I snatched it out of her hand. "This is my dad's mug, I don't want anyone else touching it, its not just a damn mug," I hissed at her as tears streamed down my face, I hurried out of the kitchen with the mug and I went to my bedroom.
Shutting the door behind me, I sobbed as I sat down on my bed. I held the mug against my chest, just sobbing, this gut-wrenching sob that feels as if it will never end, as if this brokenness will never end, as if this weight of loss was settled on me that it would never disappear.
I reached for my phone on the bedside table. It was lighting up again with Arden's name. He was calling me for the millionth time. I pressed the green button, and placing the phone against my ear. I was trying to gain my breath from my sobs. "Lana?" Arden's voice was like soothing velvet in my ear. I squeezed my eyes shut, just trying not to let out a sob again. "Lana, are you okay?" he asked with concern this time.
I just couldn't speak, if I spoke, then I would just break again. "I can hear you, just know that I am here for you, I am not going anywhere. I want to be with you, but some circumstances right now is not allowing me to go to you and hold you. I never gave up on you and I never will. I will wait for you and if I do get the chance to go to you, then I will be there soon. I'm sorry about your loss, I really want to be there and comfort you," he continued to speak.
Tears streamed down my face and I let out a breath but his words about the baby came back. This was a mistake, at least his voice kind of soothed me and it will be the last time. I am changing my phone number tomorrow. I need to move on, he will not accept our baby, so I am doing what is best for us. To save extra heartache when he rejects our little one. "Lana?"
So I do what is best...I ended the call.
I clutched onto my phone and it lit up again with Arden's name, but I switched my phone off. Placing it on the bedside table along with my dad's mug. I got up and walked to the cupboard, I took out a hoodie. I needed to get out of this place. I needed fresh air.
After walking through the lounge and informing uncle Mariko that I would go for a walk, I felt relieved to have fresh air. It was a chilly evening and I just took a walk on the sidewalk. What made me just walk further away from the house was seeing my dad's car still parked in the driveway. The last few memories of him getting me at my apartment were just making me break again, but I walked as far as I could.
I stopped on the sidewalk but there was a club over the road, the same club that my dad rescued me from, and I took a deep breath. I continued to walk past it. I could hear men whistling at me, but I didn't bother with them. Seattle has too many memories and I didn't want to go back to New York because of Arden. Perhaps I should go back without him knowing that I'm there. Perhaps I need Cynthia. She will distract me from it all, or so I hope, but I need to think about it clearly.
For now...I am just walking as far as possible, somehow my legs give way and I land on my knees on the sidewalk. I sob in public, even though there aren't a lot of people, but there are people and cars and a few flashes going off across the road...the media. They would want a front scoop of my dad's funeral. They would always be at a distance, as my dad made a deal with them years ago. I even forget that they are around sometimes, dad made it easy for us, and now... I will be in the papers in this position.